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LONG BLOG

10 Things You Should But Didn't Know About Zack Furniss

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He Used To Be The Stunt Double For Kurt Russell
They met on the set of The Travels of Jamie McPheeters when Kurt was a boy and became fast friends. Throughout his storied career the story was the same, whenever Kurt was to perform a death-defying feat Zack would step in. To this day they are still good friends and occasional bridge partners.

 

Zack Has Never Been To Disneyland
After a summer killing spree Zack was Canada's most wanted super-villain. His picture was all over the news networks and Facebook did a shocking profile on him to warn and educate its users. The arresting officer, Inspectah Deck, relieved to finally have apprehended Zack could not hold back his digust and brutalised him. The two had to be separated. Just before they were untangled Inspectah got right in Zack's face and warned him that when he was done with him he'd never see Disneyland. Zack never did.

 

He Ate Too Much Tofu One Time And Wasn't Happy About It
While surfing in Bali, Zack was invited to have brunch with local lifeguard Dwayne and his wife Jayne. Impressed with his Zack's form and attitude Dwayne felt a friendship could blossom between the two. The couple had prepared a stunning selection of diets for both fine-dining carnivores and herbivores which left a speechless Zack visibly drooling. Mid-way through the feast Zack had enjoyed the tofu miso hummus with his chicken nuggets so much he decided to help himself to some more. A mistake he would later regret. As Zack wretched the contents of his stomach onto the bosom of Jayne, Dwayne strongly considered never inviting Zack again.

 

Zack Moonlights As Josh Tolentino
After a public outcry regarding a lack of diversity at Destructoid management decided that in order to attract and draw in more Far-Eastern readers it needed to branch out and employ a representative of Asian descent that was deftly familiar with their own culture. There was no-one; China's burgeoning economy meant its bloggers had way too expensive base rates, Japan were still upset over the rubber chicken incident, Thailand didn't even know what a Destructoid was. So the staff had a spark of ingenuity. They would have Zack – with his Hollywood background – play an Asian. What could go wrong? Let me tell you ...in one word. Vietnam.


It's like watching Optimus Prime transform

 

Shit, Ten Things Is Hard. Erm, I Mean... Zack Has A Sports Injury From College?
When he was not performing neck-breaking stunts for Mr Russell, Zack could be found on the teenage proving grounds of college baseball. Where he was king. Much to the detest of resident college thug and low intelligence quotient suffer Peter Parker. One day after a gruelling game the guys hit the showers. Peter had noticed Zack was impressively blessed down below. This enraged the young Parker who had been the talk of the town with his public displays of ejaculation. Peter enjoyed nothing more than painting his town white. As the bodies disappeared from the showers, Peter peeked in to find Zack on his own. He struck. And bit Zack on the dongle. Blood everywhere! Shrieking in agony Zack's cries alerted the gym teacher who came running to see the commotion. He found Zack on the floor with Peter hovering over him with a chunk of male matter in his mouth. The gym teacher rolled up a towel and beat the living shit out of Peter. Zack fully recovered and is once again able to ménage à trois with the best of 'em. Although not outright a sporting injury Zack prefers to fictionalise the story due to embarrassment.

 

Zack Used To Be The Lead Singer Of Limp Bizkit
It's true. Look.

 

Zack Is Part Bionic
One day while working in an abandoned warehouse Zack was shot by terrorists and rushed to an experimental medical facility where he was transformed into a cyborg. Due to his miraculous recovery he resolved to prowl the street as a law enforcer... wait, I think that was a movie.

 

Holy Poop I'm Nearly Done! Zack Has Struggled With Religion
Zack has the honour of grappling on the Olympic stage with Jesus himself. Little is known about the Greco-Roman wrestling skills of the Christian Lord and Saviour but I can assure you they are top-notch. Zack's take-downs were powerful but Christ's ability to rise up off the ground was too overwhelming for poor old Zack. Of course, no-one beats Jesus. And Zack had to settle for Silver this time. In four short years they will battle again.

 

Zack Was A Hand Model
Explore the history of advertising and you will soon become familiar with Zack's hands. He mitts have been featured in almost every commercial facet imaginable. And those delicate paws have captured the attention of adoring fans all over the globe. But fame got to Zack. At the height of his popularity Zack gave it all up and decided to live life as a lowly blogger. He wanted to prove to himself that his hands could generate love and not just be loved. Although he is killing it, he is thankful he has royalty cheques still rolling in.


Those are actually Zack's hands, they're detactable

 

Zack Is Not Related To Liev Schreiber
Not in any way, shape or form. At all. But Zack is still a lovely chap. You already know this.

Been saving this for a different blog but I've been sitting on it for so long I think Zack may think I've forgotten about it and him.

Well, (much like Mortal Kombat) who's next? Do-do doooo. WR-IGHT!

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About Luckrequiredone of us since 12:26 PM on 02.08.2014


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Life doing its thing. You feelin' it, too?



Vanessa could take Samus.


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Roughly Ten Things About Me:
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I'm an European-Asian male living under the rule of a monarchy.

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I am not a writer; I am a crayonologist. I enjoy shredding paper with pencils. It's extremely cathartic.

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I'm very passionate about reading, it helps me pretend I'm English (wot wot). My favourite book is Alexandre Dumas' "The Count of Monte Cristo".

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I love listening to music on trains, in parks, sprawled out on my bed and during gaming. I like any genre; favourite artists include: Underworld, James Brown, The Police, David Gray, The Kinks, Johnny Cash, Foo Fighters and Jimi Hendrix.

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I adore film and popcorn. Popcorn slightly more. I couldn't pick a favourite film but I do tend to shy away from horror. Oh, fuggit I'll name-drop Leon and Gladiator.

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Like fellow Dtoiders I also game.

| My Top Ten | My GOAT Game | My Sega Saturn |
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Other things include: drinking too much tea, unashamedly singing poorly, making shallow attempts at keeping fit, and thinking too much.

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Finally, I'm an enthusiastic cook. Currently obsessed with making Tacos. Was obsessed with quiche and focaccia.


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BLOGRONOMICON 2nd Edition
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RETCON-PUNCH!
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CONFESSION
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Resident Eggy
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The Ninth Thingy
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Olivia Rescue Simulator
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Caption Contest # 14


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