If there's one thing we like to do over here at Destructoid, it's sharing 10 Things about ourselves. Serious Things, silly Things, gaming Things, and all sorts of other Things. But there's a problem.
Up until now, all everyone has ever done is share 10 Things about themselves. And I don't know about you, but I trust the Dtoid community about as far as I can throw them. Think about it; if I told you that Portal 2 is my favorite game ever, how would you know I'm not lying to you? It could be that The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker HD is my favorite game, or Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze! How would you even know what is real and what is an elaborate fabrication?
Indeed, if you want to know the true 10 Things about someone...you have to ask someone else. And that's what I'm going to do today. I'm going to give you 10 Things; not about myself, but about GajKnight. So for the first time in the history of 10 Things, you know it's information you can trust.
To be honest, I don't know what mr. and mrs. Johnson were thinking. Seriously, who names their child "Gigantic Android"? And let's be frank here, I think we all know that, android or no, GajKnight's Johnson certainly isn't gigantic. But what are you going to do about it? We don't choose the names we were born with. Just because GajKnight has an embarrassing name like that (make sure to point and laugh the next time you see him), doesn't mean that he's a bad guy!
But, oh wait. GajKnight did choose his username, despite the fact that he is in no way, shape or form a knight of any kind. What do you say to that, Crooked Gaj?
It's true! GajKnight is one of the many people that inhabit this planet who was blessed with a butt of his very own. It's quite the average butt, to be honest; nothing really special. A very decent 6/10 butt, but a solid 7 if you're a fan of the series. It's not an 1,500 Megawatt Aperture Science Heavy-duty Super-colliding Super-butt, but it's a butt nonetheless.
It is a butt that one could touch, and I don't really know what else you would want from a butt.
GajKnight likes to claim that he is psychologist, or at least is working to be one, but this is not the whole truth. For you see, at a very young age GajKnight was actually subject to a secret experiment to give average folks superpowers. Since no one is more average than GajKnight (see: butt), he was the perfect candidate.
He ended up with basic telepathy, fittingly the single most average superpower except maybe flight. He now uses his gift of mind-reading to help people overcome their daily psychological problems. Ain't that nice of him?
Goes without saying.
GajKnight is very British. Ridiculously British. His favorite word is "quite", that's how fucking British he is. He's so British he'd probably add U's to every other word if you let him.
While most of the time that's a perfectly fine trait shared with many other Brits, it doesn't always work out so well. When Gajknight found out that the names of many European country don't actually have a single U in them, he decided to take action. And so he started his campaign. The eloquent slogan "United Kingdom fucking starts with a U, what excuse do the Netherlands, France, Germany, Spain, Ireland, Sweden, Finland and Denmark have?!" was heard throughout the land.
The rest is history. However, it is worth noting that throughout the campaign, Gigantic Android Johnson didn't use his mind-reading powers even once. He has said that mind-reading is only for the betterment of mankind, while the Brexit was just his campaign against U-lacking countries. Quite.
Contrary to popular belief, GajKnight doesn't particularly care for Kingdom Hearts 2. Far from being his favorite game ever or anything like that, he actually thinks Kingdom Hearts 2 is decidedly meh.
For one, he doesn't think that the gameplay fucking rocks. It's not all that action based, it doesn't have high speed combos or constant movement, no over the top abilities or magic to speak of, and none of it is totally customisable. Second, the characters just don't do it for him. Sora is a super nice guy and always on the side of justice and doing the right thing. He’s equal parts goofy, serious, smart and sensitive. Essentially, not someone GajKnight could easily relate to and play as. Couple that with Donald Duck and Goofy, who don't remind him of the best parts of his childhood, and you have a very meh trio of heroes that fail to make any cutscene a joy to watch.
But the final nail in the coffin is that KH2 just doesn't hold a special part in GajKnight's heart. He was around 41 when he played it and it didn't leave an impression on him. As an outgoing old man who had all the friends in the world, he didn't look at games as his main avenue for having fun and seeing new things. Before KH2 he just played games for the fun of it, to enjoy the gameplay and character’s, not looking at how they made him feel, what the main themes were or anything below the surface. Kingdom Hearts 2 did nothing to change that. All this talk of ‘darkness’ and ‘nobodies’ and ‘shadows’ was just convoluted tripe to him, and not anything deeper.
Which game GajKnight does consider his favorite remains a mystery to this day.
What? Sometimes ice cream is just ice cream.
It's not in any way a secret that GajKnight enjoys naked newspaper dances. He's even been known to do them in public from time to time. Hell, I'm pretty sure that there's a segment of him in some David Attenburough documentary or another. But while the practice itself is a widely known fact, no one is exactly sure why he exhibits this...'unique' behaviour. The dance doesn't appear to be ritualized in any significant manner, consisting rather of random flails and prancing.
Some say that Gigantic Android cuts all the U's out of the newspaper headlines and bathes in them after his dance. Some say he believes that newspapers are high in nutritional value, and the dance is his way of preparing them. Some say he likes to look at the pictures because it's the only way he can look at someone's face without reading their minds, which makes him so happy that dancing is all that's left on his average little mind.
At the end of the day, no one is really sure why GajKnight does what he does. Sure, we could always just ask him to share these details about himself, but if you're suggesting that you clearly haven't read the premise of this blog and you should be ashamed of yourself for skimming this magnificent and highly informative prose.
Despite a number of achievements in his life, ill-gotten or no, there is only one thing that makes GajKnight feel truly alive: bugging me.
Ask GajKnight how his day was, and he'll tell you exactly how many times he was able to bug me. He keeps a running tally on how bugged I am, and compensates slow days with extra bugging the day after. His methods are varied and inspired, as is to be expected from someone who has made it his life's goal to bug someone over the internet.
When we finally arrive at Armageddon itself, when I lie there in a ditch clinging to life, I will expect to see GajKnight standing there. He will look down upon me, grinning from ear to ear. He will then descend and join me in my ditch. And he will poke me in the face.
GajKnight is a silly person. Very silly. Extraordinarily silly.
GajKnight has his good and his evil. He likes Zero Escape (yay!), but he hates Pokémon (boo!). But as irrational as his tastes can sometimes be, GajKnight is here and he's here to stay. I wouldn't have it any other way. I mean, if I don't put him in his place, who will?
That, and he's a pretty cool dude.
And those are 10 totally true, 100% legit, incredibly facts-based and in no way made up Things about GajKnight.
Do you have more facts about our favorite Gigantic Android Johnson? Share them in the comments!
Or even better: share your 10 Things about your Dtoider of choice in your own blog. Is Nekro really Australian? If so, how is he even still alive in his 20s? Why haven't the dingoes caught him yet? Does Jinx01 actually enjoy PC gaming, or is it all an elaborate ploy to hide his love for the Atari Lynx? Does Wes even like tacos? Does Dreamweaver really have that much hentai? Actually no, I'm pretty sure that's legit.
Whatever the case, if you have information on the community, it's your solemn duty to share it. I for one will not stand for lies and secrecy. You know what must be done.