Note: This article is a satire and is not meant to be taken seriously. The quotes are not genuine, and were made up for comedic’s sake.
Nintendo websites across the internet rejoiced last week as Nintendo launched Pokemon GO in several territories around the world. After a year on its deathbead, the Wii U has made it difficult for its press sites to stay afloat.
“It’s been tough,” said Shawn Long, Editor-in-Chief of Nintendo Enthusiast. “With Nintendo releasing like four games on the Wii U this year, it’s been difficult to keep gamers coming back to NE.”
“Before Pokemon GO, we had to put NX in our headlines to get people to click on the article,” commented Elia Pales, Senior Editor at NE. “Kimishima would say that the NX is coming in March for the ninth time, but we have to write an article about it because otherwise I may not be able to eat dinner.”
“It was easier in the early days of the Wii U,” lamented Akia Rahming, another editor at NE. “At first, you had this third-party support. Sure, nobody actually bought Watch Dogs on the Wii U, but we could write articles on the game because it was coming out for the console. That really helped out with traffic, you know. Now, we have Deus Ex: Mankind Divided coming out, but not on Wii U, and we can’t write anything about it.”
This year’s E3 did help a bit, but the aid was only temporary.
“Yea, Zelda sure did help us out a bunch,” said Menashe Kestenbaum, owner of Nintendo Enthusiast. “Everyone was absolutely sold on that game, and the TreeHouse stream allowed for us to write an article on each different new Zelda mechanic. Unfortunately, E3 is only three days long. We can’t write about Zelda forever. We need something else as well.”
Thankfully, Nintendo launched Pokemon GO, which helped provide quite the abundance of news stories, along with great website traffic alongside it.
“This one girl found a dead body while exploring Pokemon GO and like 500 people shared that article on Facebook,” exclaimed Long. “Another guy is mistaken for a drug dealer, and tons of people are interested in that story as well! People are reading Nintendo stuff again!
“It’s difficult to find a consistent reader-base,” added in Pales. “After all, the Wii U has an install base of like 12, maybe 13 units. A release like Star Fox might be pretty big for like a dozen people, but everyone cares about Pokemon GO.”
The writers of Nintendo Enthusiast continued to party through the weekend, while writing stories about how Pokemon GO is making Nintendo rich as well and how the app was used for an armed robbery in another state.
“The best thing about Pokemon GO is that these stories are just gonna keep on coming,” said the website’s Editor-in-Chief. “Hell, thanks to this traffic I’ve almost got enough saved for a Tesla. Now… if only two people could get married through Pokemon GO, that would surely get me over the top!”
This article was originally published on Nintendo Enthusiast.