So I have returned with the answers to all of last week's E3 wishes. I have consulted my deck of tarot cards regarding the upcoming and already leaked press conferences. As we all know, I am one of those famous 1-900 number phone psychics and a professional fortune-telling fae. My cards totally don't bear any animus toward humanity. They are out to give you insight into the future, not crush your hopes and poop on your dreams.
This year, I decided to do readings by way of a simpler three card spread. Such a spread might be used to read one's past, their present path and the future with each card drawn. I decided to set this up more in a chain letter style, though. Each user that responded to my blog last week was to leave one E3 wish and three conditions by which the prior user's wish would be read. So User #1 would have the cards read by User #2's conditions. If a user's conditions were somehow too directly aimed at their own wish, I have made some substitutions..
And with that, let us begin!
Wish #1 - Torchman - "I hope Namco announces a North American release of Super Robot Taisen OG: Moon Dwellers at Sony's Press Conference."
What Nekro thinks will happen - The Sun Arcana symbolizes optimism and suggests Nekro believes this game will indeed be announced and he would totally sex it.
Whether Reggie is at E3 or not - The High Priestess confirms Reggie will be present and that he will tackle anyone that does not announce this game for the NX.
The number of dungeons in Zelda Wii U - The Hermit says there will be nine dungeons in Zelda and also Nine Holy Waifus will be in SRT OG:MD. He also demands you damn kids and your games get off his lawn.
Wish #2 - GoofierBrute - I hope Nintendo announces Mother 3's release, complete with the fan translation.
What Mike Wallace thinks will happen - The Reverse Empress says Mike thinks Earthbound fans will continue to suffer and be fried by Reggie's heat vision.
What old-school FPS fans think will happen - The Reverse World card says FPS fans think more DOOM is coming. Despair, Earthbound fans.
(Substitution) Favorite thing - The Wheel of Fortune contestent's favorite thing is "R S T L N E."
Wish #3 - Michformer - Monolith Productions' Blood remake/reboot revealed!
What Dreamweaver thinks will happen - The Reverse Chariot suggests Dreamweaver thinks there will be a setback, perhaps a delay of this announcement.
What Persona 5's Protagonist thinks will happen - The Reverse Strength card says the hero will express burnout in the form of "...", then consume a beef bowl to raise his understanding, charm and academics.
Hot springs mini game - The Star arcana suggests Monolith Productions is so confident in this delay, they will tell us this wearing only towels at a hot spring. And each of them are trying to get a peak at each other's goods.
Wish #4 - TheGentleGamer - I wish for Persona 5 to be released in the US by the end of this year.
Eddie Goro returns - Unable to control his need to ruin only Tekken, the Devil says Eddie Goro will appear in P5 to teach our hero capoeria and this training will be necessary to romance the best girl, who is always aligned with the Empress Arcana.
No paid DLC - The Hierophant believes there will be no paid DLC and says that you did well on your exams, giving you 20,000 yen as a reward.
Harada is announcing it - The Lovers arcana confirms this and that Harada will profess his undying love for Chie Satonaka, whom he will marry live on stage!
Wish #5 - Isuma - A Tekken 7 release date.
Sailor Zebes' conditions:
Video games - The Magician is confident Tekken 7 is, indeed, a video game.
What K-On's Mio Akiyama thinks will happen - The Fool card says her eyes will widen with great joy at the limitless possibilities by which this game could be released.
Dank memes - The Reverse Emperor says "Yo, I heard you like announcements of release dates so Namco is going to announce a date in which they'll announce the release date of Tekken 7."
Wish #6 - Sailor Zebes - More Dragon Quest!
What the reveal trailer will be like - The Reverse Hanged Man says Square Enix finally gives into a vocal minority demanding Dragon Quest be more realistic. Dragon Quest XI is revealed as a gritty, realistic FPS devoid of color and fun, co-developed by Ninja Theory and Double Helix.
What critical reception will be like - The Tower says it will be be even more poorly received than Mr. Caffeine and PS3's starting price point.
What fan reception will be like - Reverse Justice says blood will run in the streets, a #DragonGate hashtag begins trending. Nintendo Treehouse is blamed somehow.
Wish #7 - TheBlondeBass - A The World Ends With You sequel.
What Professor Oak thinks will happen - The Reverse Temperence card says Professor Oak says Neku reminds him to much of his grandson and offers him an assortment of grass starters.
What Reggie thinks will happen - Death card says Reggie believes this sequel died from suffocation via zippers and buckles.
What the frog from Frog Fractions thinks - The Reverse Moon leaves the frog fearful. There were so many badges to collect in TWEWY. The number got so high he gave up math because that game needed better writers instead.
Wish #8 - StriderHoang - Concrete details on the NX and the future of Nintendo.
What does Camilla from Fire Emblem Fates: Conquest think will happen - Judgement believes Camilla will find Nintendo soooo cute and envelop Shigeru Miyamoto's head in her cleavage..
What Persona villian Nyarlahotep thinks will happen - Strength says Nyarlahotep believes Nintendo will have bright future with the NX and summons Hitler to kill your friends.
What SeymourDuncan17 thinks will happen - Temperance says Seymour believes Chie Satonaka will become Nintendo's mascot, replacing Mario. And he will object to Harada marrying her.
Wish #9 - GaruSlicer - New game surprises from Nintendo.
Crono from Chrono Trigger's take - The Tower means Crono will pantomime wildly to tell us Nintendo is making a game where destruction reigns and the end is nigh. That or Lavos is coming.
What KOS-MOS of Xenosaga thinks - The Fool honestly trembles at the many ways KOS-MOS is weaponized, but she expects more Namco games to appear on NX.
What Yuri from Shadow Hearts thinks - Judgement states Yuri was behind the attempt to merge Shin Megami Tensei and Fire Emblem. He will try again with SMT and Pokémon. It could end up being a shop simulator, though.
Wish #10 - Malthor - A proper sequel to Skies of Arcadia,
Abe Lincoln's top hat - A Hierophant enjoys balance and a top hat sure made Honest Abe rather unique among presidents. What makes Sega unique and consistent is its capacity to disappoint since the Dreamcast. Don't expect much, but hey, someone hacked the GameCube version of SoA harder, so that's something!
Macaroni salad - The Hermit asks you stay the hell away from the macaroni salad at K&W.
The sound of a dial-up internet connection - Lovers, not that it matters because bzzzzzzzzzttttttkeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhrrrrrzzzzzzxboooooooingdeleerdeleedeleedeleeekrrrrrrsssssdhhh Welcome. You've got mail!
Wish #11 - Fuzunga - a Jade Empire sequel exists!
How EA will piss people off - The Moon thinks this wish is a nice fantasy and EA will bore people. Looks like that came true!
How Kickstarter will be involved - The Hanged Man died so a KS would not happen again at E3. Take notes, Sony.
What Dr. Nefarious thinks will happen - The Reverse Star indicates that he not only isn't confident this won't happen, he doubts he will ever appear in a movie sequel.
Wish #12 - Zalno - Sony announces backwards compatibility that isn't dogshit.
What Tony the Tiger thinks - Reverse Magician suggests Tony things look grrrrrrim.
Spicy pasta sauce - Empress card says a true queen loves her pasta with a little kick.
Ubisoft celebrity guest - The Wheel of Fortune spins and stops on Bankrupt, for Ubisoft guests and BC as well.
Wish #13 - Dango - Ape Escape sequel/remake/cereal brand announced.
Robo Panda Z's conditions:
What does Akira Toriyama think - The wisdom of the High Priestess means the sight of monkeys takes Mr. Toriyama back to a time when Goku was a little boy and the Dragon Ball series was good.
What does Robo think - Reverse Sun says he's gonna give you up, that he's gonna let you down, that he's gonna run around and desert you. Then he's gonna make you cry, then he's gonna say goodbye and then he's gonna tell a lie and hurt you. That lie is an Ape Escape sequel happening.
Who/What needs to be sacrificed - Death legit showed up for this. Damn. The souls of all PS Vita owners would be required but Sony doesn't believe they exist.
Wish #14 - Robo Panda Z - HD remakes of Chrono Trigger and Chrono Cross and a third entry to the series.
Overlord Zetta's conditions:
Color of second host's undies - Emperor's undies are blue, the color of disappointed fans.
Are they still on Namek - Justice says this is indeed where SE and their ideas exist. Frezia may correct this shortly as SE really shouldn't be retouching perfection.
$666 - Devil. I... uh... think I might burn this deck soon.
Wish #15 - OverlordZetta - Vita gets games.
Siddartha85's conditions -
What Donald Trump thinks - The Chariot insists that Donald believes Sony needs to make Vita great again. More exclusives are needed.
What Bernie Sanders thinks - World arcana says Bernie feels sharing the wealth between PS3, PS4 and Vita is still best.
What Canada thinks - The Reverse Star says Canada is apathetic on the matter.
Wish #16 - Siddartha85 - Alan Wake 2 without DRM
Capcom's board of directors is killed off - Reverse Temperance doesn't know what this has to do with Alan Wake or DRM, but some kind of disorder is expected on either front.
Megaman's charging shot FX - Wheel of Fortune gets more games than Megaman now.
Internet's opinion on MML3 being a Nintendo exclusive - Reverse Fool, infinite forms of misery and salt ensue because Nintendo can't have cool things without fanboys whining about it.
Wish #17 - EdgyDude - Capcom announces Megaman Legends 3
Sr Churros' conditions:
What Lightning Farron thinks will happen - Reverse Hierophant. Lightning sulks and refuses to be happy about this.
What FFIV Cid thinks will happen - Hermit card reckons Cid should toss all those young people of his airship so he can enjoy Megaman Legends 3 alone.
What Professor Sycamore thinks will happen - The Moon says Professor Sycamore is too wrapped up in how much swag he has to care, but he does offer a balanced selection of Gen 1 Pokémon to all children.
Wish #18 - Sr Churros - SE announces Final Fantasy Crystal Cronicles for the New Nintendo 3DS.
What Larx thinks will happen - Reverse Devil. Larx sets the unoffical Dtoid Discord chat ablaze should this happen.
Sony ignores the Vita again - Hanged Man says "No shit, this ain't comin' to Vita" and dies for the N3DS version to happen.
Is Zelda a prequel to Majora's Mask - The World says yes, and it's also prequel to FFCC.
And that's all for this year! Think I'll try a new method next time. This deck is starting to worry me.