Slightly altered of an original by ThisIsArtMaybe
I haven't completed a Pokemon game probably since half the time Pokemon has been around, but that doesn't mean I am not passionate about the franchise. If for no other reason than because it became me for a spell during elementary and junior high.
I collected the cards obsessively, I traded with those stupid link cables, I was even convinced a friend of mine owned a real life Pikachu and that I just couldn't go and see it for myself because it was always too sick for visitors. A result of my pre-mature gullibility rather than my love of Pokemon, but I digress. I did really love the Pocketed Monstars.
That Pokemon is now turning 20 makes me feel as spry as a Mankey on cocaine. Nope. I don't feel old at all! Pft. Noooooooooooope! I can still watch Transformers in my TMNT pajamas. I can still run a mile without taking a breather. I can still wear my caps backwards. Hahahahaha! Yeah!
... p-perhaps I can shake this existential crisis by making one of those Internet 'top' lists. Those are always good for a solid giggle.
FUCK THE RULES and in no particular order (the Pokemon, not the rules):
He has two kinds of fluff. Some brown, some vanilla chocolate. All of it I want to snuggle with. Zigzagoon is illegal amounts of adorable in the recent 3D outings.
Also, if you accentuate the "goon" in "Zigzagoon", you will have a good time.
Speaking of "goon", here is a tangentially-related segway!
What's more wholesome than snuggling fluff? Bear-hugging loads of soft chub and slime! Yeah!
Goodra is famous for being an especially affectionate Pokemon. I love hugs and that goes triple for when it's from really cute things. Cute things which are a solid foot taller than me at that. Aw! I want a Goodra hug so much!
Also, that's a dragon? Pokemon has some really huggable dragons, all the way down to Gen 1's Dratini fam.
I can't stop listing the ones that are super cute!
Cyndaquil always looks so darn happy. It also sounded like a happy little babby in the anime. It could probably also kill you with those fiery little spikes protruding out it's happy little spine.
Cute and deadly. I could think of no better combination of attributes for a Pokemon!
OH WAIT! How about having godly physic powers and legs for days? That's right! It's the original big daddy of Pokemon, Mewtwo.
It must take some next-level patience to reside in a dank, dark cave for Arceus knows how long just for silly old me and my colorful balls. I threw them at his face and, before I knew it, he was all mine, baby. Oh yes.
I then told him to do things and you better believe he listened. It made me very happy. It took a little whipping into shape, granted, but he eventually found his place. The legendary, mighty Mewtwo reduced to nothing but a mere toy. Mnf.
I'm cheating a bit here, but I'll be doing it again soon enough. So, I say deal with it!
I mean, when you have Pokemon both this cute and so badass, you can't just pick one! At least they're in the same family of evolutions.
I'm... not cheating too much, am I?
I've always had a fondness for electric types (my most favorite Pokemon is an electric type, in fact) as well as Pokemon with glorious hair (my most favorite Pokemon has a Mega Evolution with glorious hair, in fact HAVE I SPOILED TOO MUCH). So, this electric... mouse-dog (?) family is a no-brainer.
Of all the iggly, squiggly buggies out there creepin' around our tiny planet, the horned beetle is, far and away, the most beefcake of them all. They could probably lift two whole scoops of ice cream at once!
They're like nature's black knights.
I HATE insects and I'm telling you right now...
"That's fucking badass."
Any Pokemon that embodies those things is fucking badass, dude.
So, I've heard through the grapevine that some folk do not like Nosepass.
Why? Because he looks dumb? He does look dumb. I know that! Why else? Because of his nose? Yeah, he's got a nose, too! Just like you or me. He is relatable and a fairly powerful tank Pokemon to boot. I've used him kind of recently and I enjoyed it a lot.
Take a good long look in the mirror the next time you wanna talk shit about Nosepass. You are no better, you absolute jerk, and you need a bath because you stink of poo. Nosepass (probably) smells of dirt, moss, and gravel. Way less awful than poo.
I get it. I GET IT. You think my taste in Pokemon is weird and stupid. Well, I got news for you: You might be right. You jerk.
I don't know. I just love Bidoof's dorky grin, with that single bucked tooth. His fat, dorky face. And his name. "Bidoof". It sounds like the name you'd give to someone who fails at everything all the time.
"You Bidoof. Stop failing at everything!"
So, much like Nosepass, Bidoof is relatable. He is a tragic failure of a creature with no legitimately redeeming qualities, just like all of us.
Now, here we have a smelly flower with beady eyes and a gumdrop for a body and... I don't even know how it stands on those partially-used condom feet. That bud must weigh at least twice it's actual body mass.
Whatever. Despite it all, I do think Vileplume rocks pretty hard both visually and while on the battlefield. Sleep Powder and Giga Drain all the way to the bank, yo.
Hitmontop, I have never used. I have only watched and admired it from afar. It is a stick figure with a horn that it uses to break dance it's way to sweet, sweet victory and sometimes literally kick ass.
He deserves his own movie, ala Bruce or Jet Lee. Or like that Mewtwo thing I mentioned some time ago. Pokemon: The Hitmontop Movie: Kickin' In Da Streets, with a soundtrack by Dead Or Alive.
HE HAS A LITTLE HOODIE OH MY GOOOOOOOOD WHO'S THE CUTEST FUCKING THING EVER YOU ARE THAT'S RIGHT YOU ARE
Holy calamity! That's a huge Pokemon!
And he knows it, too. Look at that sharp, unshakable expression of contentment on his face. It says "I'm big. In fact, I can barely fit the screen half the time. But, dammit, I'm beautiful.".
Don't let nobody get you down, Wailord. I mean, God forbid, that'd be very unfortunate for those standing under you.
There are some Pokemon every generation almost designed solely to be the token bamf's, often sharing similar qualities. There's always a Mewtwo, always a Garchomp, always a Typhlosion, always a "Tyranitar".
"Tyranitar" just has a really awesome ring to it, doesn't it? You hear it's name, you want it. You see it, you want it even more!
He's sort of the Godzilla of Pokemon, only about several stories shorter.
That Pokemon that was always gimped with a stupid name from that trainer who was at least not driving that hard of a bargain for something so darn cool.
Such a beautifully simplistic design, Farfetch'd. He's got a cheeky as heck look on his face, a leek... is a bird, and is likely pointing you in the direction of some damn fine eats.
And, what's that? An apostrophe 'd'? What is that?! I love it! Let's do that more often, Webster!
In a far better universe than our own, we use octopi as artillery.
Totally naturally or morally ambiguous genetic engineering? Who knows. But, I do at least know I'd feel pretty safe behind a set of tentacles and an ink cannon. Way more than behind some human with only two tentacles and an assault rifle.
I mean, the assault rifle is something to consider, but how much could you possibly accomplish with just two tentacles and no ink?
Azurill is one of the most innocent Pokemon amidst the roster of over 700. How could you possibly want to hurt something so tiny that's bouncing on it's own bulbous tail and attacking you with a stream of bubbles?
I only want to attack it with hugs and kisses.
And a Thundershock, Thunder Wave, and PokeBall so that I can catch it and force it to be my friend forever.
I do genuinely feel bad for Slakoth. He's not lazy, he's just born that way. Evolution's play thing that has yet to make space for something that can at least stand on it's own two paws/claws/feet/partially-used condoms.
In battle, thanks to his Truant ability, he is a pretty nifty risk/reward sort of deal. It can very easily backfire, but between that, Encore, Yawn, Slack Off, Amnesia, and Hammer Arm, you can have a pretty interesting time with this one.
That or you could just chill with him and watch Next Friday and Mrs. Doubtfire all day while eating bags of Sour Patch Watermelons.
In a sea of sad, silly attempts at aping Pikachu's timeless design and totally outrageous market penetration, Plusle and Minun stand as the most creative and, oh yeah, THEY'RE FUCKING ADORBZ.
Baby forms? No sir. Rats? Ain't feelin' that. Flying squirrels? You stop that right now. I need me some positively/negatively-charged mouse-battery Pokemon! They're electric Pokemon, don't you see?
Look, look! Both varieties of cheek have little pluses and minuses! That is GLORIOUS!
Pre-Pokemon X/Y's release, everyone was goats over Gogoat. Including me. I was so goats. I wanted to ride one so bad and run my hand through it's remarkable mane.
You'd think a goat Pokemon would be the butt end of a cruel joke like Bidoof, Slakoth, or Magikarp. They are self-centered, anything-eating busters who, like pugs, loose a great deal of their cuteness as they become adults.
What artist wouldn't portray such a thing in a negative light? Well, I could think of a few, but most probably don't like goats very much!
Now? I can see myself liking goats. So long as they let me ride them, wrap a Christmas wreath around their neck, and nickname them "Gogoat".
You know who used to be my favorite Pokemon before Ampharos? Because I don't remember. Probably something lame like Pikachu or Charizard. That's how awesome Ampharos is. He took my memories and replaced them with his own so that he could assert himself into my life and become king.
Who's your daddy? Your biological daddy? No. That does not make sense. Ampharos is your daddy now. Also, your mom, your sister, your best friend, and your worst nightmare. He is a powerhouse with fashionable bangles and a belly fit for rubbin'. And he's an electric type.
Ampharos is the perfect Pokemon.
It's a jellyfish with a poofy stache and a king's crown! Also, blue is my favorite color! What lovely shades of blue!
Owls are nature's best thing. They look so damn cool! So does Noctowl!
Though, unfortunately, Hoothoot is one of the most pain in the ass Pokemon to train. He's weak, thoroughly useless, and doesn't even look that cool like an owl should. By the time you train him up to Noctowl, it's almost not worth it.
BUT WAIT A GODDAMNED SECOND BECAUSE LOOK AT THIS ADORABLE SCAMP!
Pokemon Sun/Moon are a ways out from their release, but Rowlet is already tickling my meaty fancies. Who cares if grass types are usually the weakest of the starters? He is a proper badass owl Pokemon that doesn't require grinding through some stupid Hoothoot. In fact, you can get him almost immediately!
Priorities, Game Freak. You've got them!
Fuck the police. Chandelure can't go to jail. He is too pretty for jail. He'd also just phase through the walls anyway, because he's a ghost. Who's a chandelier. With "spooky" blue flames? What is this? A Nintendo game?
Sure, he's, indeed, a chandelier. Maybe. You think that's stupid? Well, nobody cares what you think. You know what I think, though? I don't even think Chandelure is a chandelier, to be frank.
Peep this, conspiracy theorists:
Chandelure is great. Don't pretend he isn't.
Heh. What next? I'm gonna say I like Garbador?
... I mean, he's not that bad, actually.
He's a cutie-patootie showing us dat booty.
Butt-confidence is something I can deeply respect.
He's a duck-face clown monstrosity with head tumors that are also on fire.
I would probably have Jynx up here, but not only was Jynx a thing... they actually decided to extend the lore of Jynx by giving her a baby form that is, while cute, despicable on principle.
More like Mr. Why?
Oh, don't look at me like that, you piece of shit. You make for some of the most dreadful Pokemon fights imaginable. All you do is Sing. That's all you do. And Peck. Oh, and Growl. Because of course do, you predictable piece of shit.
For a parrot with a music note for a head, you have a terrible singing voice. Where's Simon Cowell when you actually need him for once?
It's like they actually tried to make the most pathetic, stupid, DUMB Pokemon one could possibly fathom. Well, bravo. You succeeded.
It's terrible, it looks ugly, and it's a smelly skunk.
I MEAN WHAT THE HELL okay, I'll give you Nosepass. I love Nosepass, but let's be fair... he does sort of look a bit dumb. But, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, this is not even funny.
WHY IS IT'S NOSEHAIR ONE OF IT'S DEFINING VISUAL QUES? WHYYYY?