E3 is almost upon us once again, and the people are hyped. Actually they're not really all that hyped this year, but that makes for a shitty opening.
Nevertheless, with rising hype come predictions! Predictions about the new Zelda, Dishonored 2, and everything else good under the sun. However, all of those predictions have one critical flaw: they're way too plausible. Frankly, plausibility is boring. The people want excitement! Things and stuff they couldn't imagine in their wildest dreams!
That's where I come in. I have some pretty wild dreams to begin with, but even then I found myself needlessly obstructed by reality. Fortunately, I found a way. With the help of certain substances which I am legally prohibited from disclosing to you, I have entered an alternate state of being to bring you the only predictions list worth reading. I have looked into the crystal ball, and I have seen.
These are my predictions for E3 2016 which will definitely come true (provided the universe has gone bonkers).
- Paper Mario: Color Splash revealed to be giant practical joke, will actually be Thousand Year Door 2
In a shocking twist, Nintendo reveals that the trailer for Paper Mario: Color Splash was simply a practical joke gone wrong. As the Reggie comes on stage, he speaks important words: "We never imagined that you'd believe us. I mean, why would we make Sticker Star's mistake twice?! Nobody's that dense. However, we did miscalculate with this particular trailer. Unlike my body, your minds clearly weren't ready."
Reggie's underhanded slight at his audience will quickly be forgotten when the real trailer for the new Paper Mario is revealed. Within the first ten seconds this new trailer reveals the return of Partners, Experience points, a seperate Paper Luigi questline, and in a particularly cathartic moment it throws Sticker Star's infamous Things in the fucking bin. A Shy Guy is revealed to be Mario's first partner because Shy Guys are sweet-ass motherfuckers, but fan-favorites Goombella and Lady Bow are also slated to make a return.
As the trailer closes, Reggie takes the stage again. "We didn't know what to do different with this new Paper Mario to make it more fun than Thousand Year Door. So we didn't."
The crowd goes nuts.
It is later revealed during a Treehouse stream that Metroid Prime: Federation Force is still coming, but is actually completely optional content for Metroid Prime 4.
- Baten Kaitos 3 is coming exclusively to (my) WiiU
The folks at Monolith Soft have not been idle since Xenoblade Chronicles X came out. On the contrary, they have been hard at work on their newest title! At this year's E3, it will be revealed that a new entry in Monolith's deeply missed Baten Kaitos series will be coming exclusively to WiiU.
Which is to say, mine.
Yes, Baten Kaitos 3 will not work on anyone's WiiU but mine. "The reason for this", a spokesperson for Monolith will say, "is that ShadeOfLight is clearly the one person in the world who wants it the most. That kind of dedication is something you just have to reward, so our team has been working very hard to make this the best RPG it can possibly be."
The trailer for this new instalment looks amazing: Baten Kaitos was made for HD. Unfortunately, none of you can have it. However, Monolith Soft will also reveal some very early hints towards their next game. "We thought to ourselves; 'Wouldn't it be great if players could actually live in the world of Xenoblade? As in, forever?'"
"Shade's game takes priority though, obviously."
- Logan Cunningham and Danny Wallace now legally required to be in every game
A long overdue decision, but game developers the world over have finally decided that voice talents Logan Cunningham and Danny Wallace now have to have a part in every game that gets made. Nolan North and Troy Baker are allowed to keep their jobs, but have been delegated to second picks.
Logan Cunningham will be honored for his excellent and wicked cool voice work in the games from Supergiant, most notably as the Bastion narrator.
Danny Wallace, meanwhile, got his narrator on in Thomas Was Alone and Volume. While he did win a BAFTA award for it, that clearly was not enough for the Britishest Brit who has ever Britted.
Both of these fine gentlemen will now be working together on every game ever, using their talents for the betterment of mankind('s ears). There is some talk about retrofitting every game already released with their voices, but that will not be announced until E3 2017.
Unfortunately, neither will be available comment because that would ruin the magic.
- Sony finds Playstation Vita in the broomcloset, wants to do something with it
At this year's E3, Sony will make an incredible announcement: it turns out that they had a Vita all along! By some amazing stroke of luck the company janitor found the abandoned console while he was cleaning out the attic. His supervisors had told him to throw out anything he found, but the brave janitor felt there was something special about this particular device.
At their presentation, Sony apologizes to every Vita owner on the planet for forgetting their handheld, and vows to bring some games to the console.
They will not be able to confirm which games that might be. However, they are currently in talks with the janitor for ideas.
- Blizzard creates quality-of-life device that makes your friends like Overwatch
After careful market research, Blizzard has found the one critical flaw of Overwatch:
Not everybody likes it.
Rather than trying to make improvements to the game to get more people into it, Blizzard is going to announce a different solution: they have invented a special headband that will make anyone instantly like Overwatch just as much as you.
As a Blizzard spokeswoman comes on stage, she speaks powerful words. "We all know that some people just have incorrect opinions. Democracy was a mistake. So instead, we will now allow you to simply brainjack your friends into line." Blizzard adds that you will never again have to make an effort to convince your friends to buy Overwatch. Waiting for matches will also be a thing of the past, and you'll never again be paired up with a team that doesn't know what the fuck it's doing.
Some critics will cite ethical and moral issues with this new tech, but they will be swiftly silenced once they too are conditioned to just play Overwatch instead. Cries of "Who Overwatches the Overwatchmen?" will be completely ignored because that's terrible and I'm sorry for coming up with it.
The Overwatch mind control headband will come in Mercy White and Reaper Black; special editions will include a Roadhog gasmask and will feature a special setting that will make your friends want to play as Reinhardt whenever you don't feel like tanking.
- Banjo-Kazooie rights given to Yooka-Laylee devs
After careful deliberation, Microsoft will announce that it has decided to give the rights to Banjo and Kazooie to Playtonic Games, who are currently working on Yooka-Laylee.
As a clearly distraught Microsoft spokesman comes on-stage, he will explain this decision. "Let's be real here: we clearly can't be trusted with this property. We didn't even want them to begin with. We just wanted some developers to work on Kinect Sports for us, and Banjo-Kazooie was included in the package as a free bonus. Besides, have you seen what we've done to Conker? Keep these things far away from us, for the love of god." He will then move into the corner, adopt the fetal position and whimper "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" to himself over and over again.
Walking in a wide circle around the Microsoft employees, a developer for Playtonic takes the stage. "We are obviously very thrilled that we have Banjo-Kazooie back without having to resort to a massive raid on the Microsoft offices. While we obviously couldn't fuck up Banjo-Kazooie anywhere near as badly as Microsoft has, we still want to put our all into making the bear and bird's return a grand one. However, we feel that it wouldn't be fair to just reskin Yooka-Laylee with our old characters. So instead we'll finish that game first, and then go back to our old friends."
Playtonic added that they will be able to use the experiences gained from developing Yooka-Laylee to make Banjo-Threeie the best 3D platformer ever made.
After the presentation, rumors start to surface that Nintendo is considering putting Banjo and Kazooie in a special batch of free Smash Bros. 4 DLC. "To honor the legacy that was so thorougly smashed up until now."
- F-Zero WiiU released last year
In what must be the most shocking announcement of E3, Nintendo will announce that not only has F-Zero WiiU (official title: F-Zero Oh Sweet Jesus What Is Even Happening This Is So Goddamn Fast, or F-Z:OSJWIEHTISGF for short) been in the works for the past two years, it actually already released on the 1st of December 2015.
It is unknown how a game this high profile could fly so spectacularly under the radar, but Nintendo attributes this to a specific effort to divert any and all attention away from this game. Nintendo will claim that it fears having been invaded by some Konami staff who are responsible for this act of pure malice, but insiders say that Nintendo has done everything in its power to make people stop wanting F-Zero in any capacity.
"However", Reggie will state, "we figured that we might as well tell you about the game now. It might be good, it might not, I honestly don't even know."
People will start playing F-Z:OSJWIEHTISGF right after the presentation ends and, provided they can find its hidden eShop page, come to the conclusion that it is indeed quite a good game. "The name is quite apt", says Chris Carter, a local game reviewer. "However, it is very unfortunate that I personally had to steal a review copy because every Nintendo representative I spoke to didn't seem to know this game existed either."
When asked whether the next F-Zero game will actually be released publicly, a Nintendo spokesman was quoted as saying "What's an F-Zero?"
- Undertale named Game of the Year of all Years, internet says "Yeah, fair enough."
At E3 2016, it will be announced that all Game of the Year awards from now on will be cancelled. The reason for this being that one game in particular will be named the Game of the Year winner for now and forever.
Undertale will be the game to get this prestigious Game of the Year of all Years award, beating out Ocarina of Time, Super Mario Galaxy 2, Half-Life 2, Portal 2, Final Fantasy VI, Super Metroid, and Garfield Kart.
After the event every gamer on the internet will come together all over the world and, in complete unison, exclaim "Yeah, fair enough." One gamer will even be quoted as saying "Well, I don't personally believe that Undertale is better than Ocarina of Time for example, but I recognize why other people enjoy it so I can still get behind this award."
One gamer at the New York meet-up will start to rage and rant incoherently. He will be given a Blizzard headband and from then on spends his days playing Overwatch. No other quarrels are reported.
- Pokémon Sun & Moon will make you more attractive to girls
While Pokémon Sun & Moon was already slated to be a great game, this new announcement by Nintendo will really take the cake. It will be announced on the final day of E3 that Pokémon Sun & Moon is so good that it will actively make you attractive to girls.
From now on even simply owning Pokémon Sun & Moon will boost your popularity dramatically, and on top of that you will now be able to invite girls over for 'Pokémon and chill'.
However, Nintendo states that the effectiveness of Pokémon Sun & Moon will depend heavily on which starter you pick. People who pick Rowlet are in a good spot, but you may have some explaining to do to that girl you fancy if you picked Popplio. Worst case scenario, she will simply steal your game, leaving you without game and consequently less attractive.
"We've always been interested in making Nintendo fans more attractive", Reggie admits. "But it took us until now to really nail it with this new game. We figured that everyone likes Pokémon anyway (except one undoubtedly unattractive Englishman), so why not use Pokémon to bring people together? I mean, wouldn't you want to sleep with someone who plays Pokémon?"
Pokémon Sun & Moon will not currently make you more attractive to guys as well, but Nintendo is working on this issue right now. In the mean time straight girls and gay guys are advised not to choose Popplio.
And so, by endangering myself and others I have brought you the very greatest and least accurate predictions for E3 2016! I'll be waiting excitedly to see whether any of these will come true, or if we will just see the boring old stuff once again.
I think it could happen though. Not plausibly, but maybe.
And hey, stranger things have happened! (but not really though)