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LONG BLOG

The Other Beginner's Guide to Destructoid

   0

There's a guide doing the rounds at the moment explaining how to get involved here at Destructoid, well I'm here to expand on things a little further with my own unique perspective on things. Please, take a seat.

 

- First rule about becoming a Dtoider is to not talk about Spiderman.
- Second rule about becoming a Dtoider is to repeat your damn self. Never change!
- Third rule... there is no third rule, just like Half LIfe 3.

 

1: Making an Account

Always come to me first to verify your email and password. Once you have provided me with your bank details I will then be able to vouch for your spam history. Once you pass you may enter the world of Cockery.
Oh, and DO NOT put some actual info about yourself in your bio, be a douche and leave it blank.

2: The Writers

Everyone falls under this category. The staff write to entertain us. We write to entertain ourselves. I write to entertain no-one. Why are you here? Go take a long bath and eat some cake.

If you do want to contribute to the wealth of this site then never write from the heart, always ignore your internal monologue, mistrust the intelligence of your audience and waffle on to your heart's content. By following my advice you will be hired by Destructoid to write puff pieces about very bad games.

3: Comments, Shit-posting and You

When you are finally fed up with the C-blogs after many of your articles have gained only a single fap or worse no faps and no comments at all, head over to the comments section on front page articles to let loose your pent up hatred of the community into the world. Do not hold back!

Also make sure to give the staff writers a headache, since they do feck all anyway, why not make their day shittier? Remind them they can't spell, have no clue of what they are talking about and how much you hate the website you still visit on a daily basis because your life is empty.

Hey, it's all about you, as long as you are happy nothing else matters. Don't forget to leave your bank details along with a spiderman GIF somewhere within your second shit-post.

4: Quick Posts

When you want annoy the hell out of people and lose followers head over to the Q.Posts and post some useless fluff. Here you can talk about all the lame stuff weighing on your conscience, in much the same way as they do on Twitter, because oh-god-you're-so-damn-cool-with-your-witty-quips-and-your-surreal-outlook-on-life!! *cough* Excuse me. What I meant to say was please post your bank details.

The Q.Posts is a great place to post a full blog and be resented for it. If you prefer, why not post a picture or a GIF (live pictures - they are the future according to Apple. Fruity.) without any context.

And if you really hate yourself talk about waifus. Doki Doki!

5: Community Blogs

A really bland way to make a mark is to write a Top Ten list. This way you can highlight your utterly pointless preferences to others and give Dtoiders an insight into how dismally you think and feel about a particular subject. Also, add your bank details somewhere around No.4 so I can skip to it and get on with my business.

If that doesn't appeal to your blossoming journalistic heart then write some salty long-winded, muddy, wall of text about some issue only you care about and inadvertently draw attention to your limited grasp of the English language. We shall then sit back and laugh and point at you. Good luck!

6: Huge Membership

By paying for the site you will make sure the tiny Chinese babies that mine Silicon Valley for exclusives, interviews and titbits of gaming news are kept away from their families for longer in order to work harder and provide you with even more content. Thanks to the extra money provide by you they will also be able to consume two crumbs of bread during their lunch-break - which only commences once their tiny fingers begin to bleed. Join today! As an additional boost, if you sign up between 6:00am and 6:01am, Mr Destructoid with give you a free lap-dance. (Disclaimer: On Mondays you may actually get an unshowered Mr Andy Dixon sporting a SpongeBob mask instead.)

7: The Great Waifu War & Amazing Photoshop skills

The Great Waifu War ended in the Edo period when Daimyo Niero of Dtoid province confronted the invading armies of Shogun IGN, Shogun Polygon and Shogun Kotaku. After exchanging life stories Niero acted quickly and struck his trademark kawaii pose catching all Shoguns off guard. Blinded by his cutey-booty the Shoguns imploded, leaving Niero their bank details. Niero used the Philosophers' Legacy to build a space ship - by himself - and left to colonise Venus. But before leaving, he drew pictures of cocks on their fractured helmets.

8: What to Avoid

You must never follow any of this stupid nonsense. Except, do leave your bank details. Good day. 

 

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LOOK WHO CAME:


Luckrequired   
Seymour   81
Retrofraction   47
Parismio   24
Brett Makedonski   20
Wes Tacos   13
RadicalYoseph   12
Gajknight   10
Bardley   10
vxxy   8
Luca Blight   8
Scrustle   8
siddartha85   5
SrTotallyNotASpambotChurros   4
JPF720   4
Dango   2
Batthink   1
ShadeOfLight   1


 
 

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About Luckrequiredone of us since 12:26 PM on 02.08.2014


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Life doing its thing. You feelin' it, too?



Vanessa could take Samus.


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Roughly Ten Things About Me:
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I'm an European-Asian male living under the rule of a monarchy.

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I am not a writer; I am a crayonologist. I enjoy shredding paper with pencils. It's extremely cathartic.

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I'm very passionate about reading, it helps me pretend I'm English (wot wot). My favourite book is Alexandre Dumas' "The Count of Monte Cristo".

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I love listening to music on trains, in parks, sprawled out on my bed and during gaming. I like any genre; favourite artists include: Underworld, James Brown, The Police, David Gray, The Kinks, Johnny Cash, Foo Fighters and Jimi Hendrix.

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I adore film and popcorn. Popcorn slightly more. I couldn't pick a favourite film but I do tend to shy away from horror. Oh, fuggit I'll name-drop Leon and Gladiator.

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Like fellow Dtoiders I also game.

| My Top Ten | My GOAT Game | My Sega Saturn |
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Other things include: drinking too much tea, unashamedly singing poorly, making shallow attempts at keeping fit, and thinking too much.

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Finally, I'm an enthusiastic cook. Currently obsessed with making Tacos. Was obsessed with quiche and focaccia.


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BLOGRONOMICON 2nd Edition
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RETCON-PUNCH!
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CONFESSION
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Resident Eggy
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The Ninth Thingy
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Olivia Rescue Simulator
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Caption Contest # 14


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