There's a guide doing the rounds at the moment explaining how to get involved here at Destructoid, well I'm here to expand on things a little further with my own unique perspective on things. Please, take a seat.
Always come to me first to verify your email and password. Once you have provided me with your bank details I will then be able to vouch for your spam history. Once you pass you may enter the world of Cockery.
Oh, and DO NOT put some actual info about yourself in your bio, be a douche and leave it blank.
Everyone falls under this category. The staff write to entertain us. We write to entertain ourselves. I write to entertain no-one. Why are you here? Go take a long bath and eat some cake.
If you do want to contribute to the wealth of this site then never write from the heart, always ignore your internal monologue, mistrust the intelligence of your audience and waffle on to your heart's content. By following my advice you will be hired by Destructoid to write puff pieces about very bad games.
When you are finally fed up with the C-blogs after many of your articles have gained only a single fap or worse no faps and no comments at all, head over to the comments section on front page articles to let loose your pent up hatred of the community into the world. Do not hold back!
Also make sure to give the staff writers a headache, since they do feck all anyway, why not make their day shittier? Remind them they can't spell, have no clue of what they are talking about and how much you hate the website you still visit on a daily basis because your life is empty.
Hey, it's all about you, as long as you are happy nothing else matters. Don't forget to leave your bank details along with a spiderman GIF somewhere within your second shit-post.
When you want annoy the hell out of people and lose followers head over to the Q.Posts and post some useless fluff. Here you can talk about all the lame stuff weighing on your conscience, in much the same way as they do on Twitter, because oh-god-you're-so-damn-cool-with-your-witty-quips-and-your-surreal-outlook-on-life!! *cough* Excuse me. What I meant to say was please post your bank details.
The Q.Posts is a great place to post a full blog and be resented for it. If you prefer, why not post a picture or a GIF (live pictures - they are the future according to Apple. Fruity.) without any context.
And if you really hate yourself talk about waifus. Doki Doki!
A really bland way to make a mark is to write a Top Ten list. This way you can highlight your utterly pointless preferences to others and give Dtoiders an insight into how dismally you think and feel about a particular subject. Also, add your bank details somewhere around No.4 so I can skip to it and get on with my business.
If that doesn't appeal to your blossoming journalistic heart then write some salty long-winded, muddy, wall of text about some issue only you care about and inadvertently draw attention to your limited grasp of the English language. We shall then sit back and laugh and point at you. Good luck!
By paying for the site you will make sure the tiny Chinese babies that mine Silicon Valley for exclusives, interviews and titbits of gaming news are kept away from their families for longer in order to work harder and provide you with even more content. Thanks to the extra money provide by you they will also be able to consume two crumbs of bread during their lunch-break - which only commences once their tiny fingers begin to bleed. Join today! As an additional boost, if you sign up between 6:00am and 6:01am, Mr Destructoid with give you a free lap-dance. (Disclaimer: On Mondays you may actually get an unshowered Mr Andy Dixon sporting a SpongeBob mask instead.)
The Great Waifu War ended in the Edo period when Daimyo Niero of Dtoid province confronted the invading armies of Shogun IGN, Shogun Polygon and Shogun Kotaku. After exchanging life stories Niero acted quickly and struck his trademark kawaii pose catching all Shoguns off guard. Blinded by his cutey-booty the Shoguns imploded, leaving Niero their bank details. Niero used the Philosophers' Legacy to build a space ship - by himself - and left to colonise Venus. But before leaving, he drew pictures of cocks on their fractured helmets.
You must never follow any of this stupid nonsense. Except, do leave your bank details. Good day.