A couple of weeks ago, I was pretending to work and was clicking around the recently redesigned Destructoid marveling at how good it looks and wondering when it will cease being broken. It was during this random web browsing when I noticed that I had logged 99 blog posts. This called for a celebration and I asked you to be part of it. You didn’t disappoint.
I have never done an AMA before and figured that post 100 is just as good as any to finally have one. So without further ado, I give you my 100 Blog Post Fapstravaganza!
Does Spielerdad dream of electric lizard people? - GajKnight
So this question comes about from the fact that my co-workers at the office are not actually human, but Lizard People or Reptilians. I’m not the only one to posit that shape shifting Reptilian aliens have invaded earth and are just biding their time before taking over. David Icke, who is not crazy in any way, claims shape-shifting reptilian aliens have already taken control of Earth since many of our leaders are indeed, REPTILIAN.
My co-workers are a strange lot. At first I was of the belief that all of my co-workers were just highly functioning individuals with Asperger’s Syndrome. They all have questionable social skills and poor communication skills, which are key indicators of Asperger’s Syndrome. That slowly changed over time when I realized that they lack other key symptoms.
There is something inhuman and uncanny about them that I can’t quite put my finger on. Many times they make me feel uncomfortable. I think they know that I know. I will try to continue being nice to them, so that when they do take over, I can become some sort of pet. Like a pampered lap dog.
So to answer your question, yes, I do dream about them. However, instead of dreams, it's more like nightmares.
Bloomers or Spats? - Parismio
I knew what bloomers were and can say without any doubt that I would not wear them. I did have to look up spats though…
These are cool and I approve. Unfortunately, I can’t help but feel that Brooklyn hipsters are going to appropriate these and ruin this rediscovered style for everyone. Hipsters suck.
You know how having sex on a plane is called "the mile-high club?" I call masturbating on a plane, "the mile-low club." Are you a member of either distinguished organization? - weslikestacos
I disagree wholeheartedly in referring to masturbation on a plane as the “the mile-low club.” There is nothing wrong with rubbing one out. IT’S NATURAL! Therefore, I’m providing you with more apt names for self-gratification while on an airline:
With that said I haven’t performed any of the above on myself nor am I a member of the mile high club. I’m a tall guy and flying is generally a very uncomfortable exercise for me. Trying to be intimate, with either myself or someone else on an airplane is going to be an exercise in extreme aggravation and disappointment, which is already the case in any of my attempts in intimacy in the best-case scenarios.
What do queefs smell like? - Ein on Shrooms
The short answer to this is that queefs should smell like nothing. A queef is simply air trapped in a vagina. Unlike a fart, which is gas formed in the gut during digestion and then released out of the anus which does indeed have an odor.
If you’re with a girl and she lets out a stinky one and then tries to pass it off as a queef then it can be one of two things.
1. She may have a medical condition and needs to go to a gynecologist ASAP. A cheesy smelling queef should set off alarm bells for you.
2. She’s a fucking liar and you should dump her right away, because relationships are based on trust and she can no longer be trusted.
Can you fly using your dick as a propeller? - Luca Blight
No, I cannot, nor anyone for that matter, use their phallus as a propeller to achieve flight. That’s just plain silly.
With that said, I posit that a penis can be used for propulsion in a vacuum. I hypothesize that in space, an astronaut can propel himself by urination, as long as there is a way to develop a way to safely expose his wang into the vacuum of space. Just think what a majestic sight that would be.
Occams Electric Toothbrush checked in with multiple questions, so let’s do these rapid fire.
1. Do you like your mother-in-law?
Yes, but she doesn’t make it easy.
2. Most interesting place you've ever had an orgasm?
New Jersey Turnpike.
3. Favorite meal ever?
On our honeymoon to Austria, my wife and I ate at the St. Peter Stiftkeller in Salzburg. It’s known as one of the oldest restaurants in Central Europe and rumor has it that Mephistopheles met Faust there, which is probably bullshit. The food and atmosphere was amazing though.
4. What song would you want played at your funeral?
I’ve never given this much thought to be totally honest. My desire is to be cremated when I shuffle off. As a full blooded Sicilian, I’ve been to my fair share of Italian funerals and the whole spectacle of multiple days of viewings with all the sobbing and wailing, then a church service, then the burial, then a lunch is exhausting. I have prepared specific instructions to not make a fuss when my time comes. Italians make a really big fucking deal about death.
With that out of the way, I would play something tasteful, like Black Sabbath’s N.I.B.
5. Favorite work of art?
La Pietà. Regardless of your religious affiliation, it is by far one of the most amazing sculptures I have ever seen.
Bulbasaur, Charmander, or Squirtle? - SrChurros
Full disclosure, I know nothing about Pokemon. I’ve never played Pokemon and never watched any of the shows. If I had to choose one, I would say Squirtle, as it sounds sexual in nature.
Another set of multiple questions, this time from ACESandEIGHTS.
1. What is your favorite bourbon for under $50?
Woodford Reserve Bourbon Whiskey.
2. How long should a man grow his beard?
As long as he pleases, but he should keep it clean and well groomed.
3. How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a man?
4. Was "Star Wars" the /real/ masterpiece, with its non-stop action and make-up-lore-as-you-go-along and Empire kind of a corny fanservice bullshit placeholder that was just a cliffhanger for the ultimately disappointing Jedi? Basically: Did Lucas peak super early and just start descending into lameness circa 1980?
Yes. But, Lucas did not direct Empire, and this is my favorite out of all 3 of the original trilogy, so there.
Which of the blogs you've written do you like the most and why? – SirDavies
This is a tough one and a bit of a toss-up, but if I had to choose, then I’d say the “5 Spooky Places that Should be in a Video Game” post. I generally enjoy reading about history and I’m fascinated by the macabre, so researching and penning this was a lot of fun.
What do you do when you're seemingly underqualified for jobs you want, yet seemingly overqualified for jobs you don't want? - Inquisitive Ravenclaw
This question was the most sincere of everything I received and I will try to answer it seriously.
I’m making assumptions here, but it sounds like you hit a plateau in your career advancement, which happens to pretty much everyone, including myself. When I first started my career, I worked at decent places, but they didn’t offer much in the way of career development our upward mobility. Because of this, the only way to get a bit of raise and more responsibility, was to jump ship to another company, which is okay. Remember, companies will cut you when times get tough and they don’t show loyalty towards employees when it comes to their bottom line, so employees should act accordingly knowing this fact. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but that’s reality. So moving on when they are not paying you what you deserve or giving you what you want is okay.
However, jumping from job to job can only take you so far before you hit a point where the jump becomes a bit too profound. When you hit this point, you need to do two things; lie to future employers saying that you know said skills and then work hard as fuck in training and teaching yourself on how to actually do it.
A former boss that I look up to as a mentor taught me this years ago. I was complaining that all the positions I wanted required knowledge of a particular type of design software and he said that I should just put it on my resume and say that I knew how to use it in interviews and to begin applying to jobs while I self-taught. I did what he said and it worked. Sure it was risky and could have blown up in my face, but life is about taking risks.
When I started at the new job, I was out of my comfort zone, but I got better over time. Being uncomfortable is how you get better and stronger. I’ll use a gym metaphor since I’m a former jock. When the weight you’re lifting starts to feel light, then you add more weight. If you use the same weight to the point when you're comfortable, then you’re not getting any stronger. When you become comfortable in something, that’s when you stop growing. Same in the gym as it is in life.
Now, I realize that this won’t work if you’re a foot doctor and want to become a brain surgeon. I suppose you can teach yourself how to operate on brains by kidnapping and experimenting on vagrants and hobos, but the authorities will look down on this.
I would like to thank the community of misfits here for giving me a forum to express myself and save the incoherent thoughts pinging around in my head. It has been a blast and I’m looking forward to posting 100 more blogs.