Yesterday, we were introduced to New Jersey (Hell's reception area) and the first four layers of Hell. Today, our demonic guide concludes his tour of Nerd Hell. Woe to those who continue!
Fifth Layer: Final Fantasy Fans
Woof. Look, there’s a reason we set aside a special layer of Nerd Hell for gamers who play the Final Fantasy games. Do you think Turtle, known ladies’ man and nefarious fashionista from HBO’s Ultimate Man Guide Entourage, would ever be caught dead leveling up alleged rentboy Vaan or putting up with Hope’s incessant whining? And if you think for a second that whole, “Look at me I’m a tortured soul at a private military school” shtick from Squall would pass in your typical tough-guy, Heaven-dwelling high school jock’s locker room, you’ve got another thing coming! Only the nerdiest of nerds would spend 100+ hours grinding a jabot-sporting Cro-Magnon while they could be otherwise Pwning Noobs© or Blitzing Sackers® is far superior games. If the massive waste of time weren’t a big enough sin, Final Fantasy fans are notorious for picking a horse in the race, obnoxiously promoting that horse, riding it to its inevitable irrevocable injury, shooting it to put it out of its misery, and then beating it. Beating the absolute shit out of that dead horse. I mean really, really wailing on it. Tyler Durden would be proud of the beating they give their character. [See: Lightning fans for evidence to this claim. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.] For this reason, Final Fantasy fans are in a particularly deep level of Hell.
Pictured: Vaan. Not pictured: The dignity of Final Fantasy fans.
For their fandom and fervor for the series, FF gamers get a sending tribute here in Nerd Hell - they’ll get progressively shittier characters as technology expands the horizons of storytelling. Only a famed and fabled series such as Final Fantasy could manage to tell less of a story in each iteration with more possibilities for plot, setting, and character development! They’re in for a treat if they thought Lightning was bad; we have bad. We are Hell, after all. So how’s about this: Final Fantasy CXVII stars the mute and inscrutable Desk, a lowly soldier chosen from the ranks of F.A.R.T. to take on the evil sorcerer Larry as she tries to imprison the underwater leper colony of aw fuckin’ Hell just look at the pretty graphics and shut the fuck up, ok? Also, we made a bunch of aggressive “FTP” mobile games (that play out entirely as PTW) so you can pay $0.99 for the privilege to summon Tidus. Because fuck you.
Sixth Layer: Anime Enthusiasts
Ahhh, you smell that glorious smell of sulfur and melting flesh? I’m pleased to introduce you to the sixth and penultimate ring of Hell - the ring where anime enthusiasts will lament their sins until the end of time as we know it! People who obsess over anime hold the very unique and unenviable position of being looked down upon and picked on by other nerds; could you imagine the brutal jokes that Ari, Cool Guy And Dong Machine Sex Dude from HBO’s Entourage, The Greatest Show Ever Made, would unleash upon these total dweebs? Those sick burns would make Hell look like an air conditioned igloo. Real talk: It’s not that watching anime, or enjoying it so much you’re willing to spend $75 on a 12-episode series on DVD, is an inherently bad thing. No, just like any other vice, there are certain levels of self-control needed to regulate behavior to make the rest of the world at least think
If this image doesn't give you nightmares, congratulations! You're going to Hell!
Being socially ostracized and always smelling faintly of green tea and your parents’ shame is a fitting punishment on Earth, but here in Hell we like to really hammer the point home. Otaku shall henceforth be forced to watch shows that get cancelled after one season, thus never letting them see the fate of Naraku and his merry band of pirate statisticians. Further, only the American English dub is available in Hell, with absolutely no option for original voices or soundtracks. Also, we have specially requested that our writers and animators collaborate to make approximately 72% of each episode to show characters staring at one another with surprised looks and/or characters building up strength (in the squatting position, of course) for an apparently powerful attack that never really amounts to anything. Our existing inventory of anime has been edited to exclude any scenes containing graphic sex, beach volleyball, and characters floating incredulously in the air for more than two frames (again, roughly 72% of existing anime scenes). We’ve also banned all anime GIFs from internet forums, just to add insult to injury. These poor damned souls really CANNOT live without anime GIFs.
Alas! The end of our journey through Nerd Hell is nigh. You’ve seen low-level offenders of Normal Brociety, unrepetentent in their sins; you’ve witnessed the languished sufferings of those who partook in extreme nerd culture, never again to feel a boob or get picked anything other than last in pickup basketball. Now, muster up any courage you may have remaining and gird your loins for the horrors ahead, as we make our way to the final, and most horrific, section of Nerd Hell…
Brace yourselves for ultimate despair, nerds!
Final Layer: Weird Al Fans
Before you even say anything, I know what you’re thinking; and no, that sound isn’t a dying Furby being molested by Stripe from Gremlins. It’s actually the nasal croonings of “Weird Al” Yankovic, the absolute nerdiest thing you could possibly like. Think about it: You’re on a first date with a PYT, and she innocently asks what you’re into. The multitude your of interests race through your head as you try to pick one out that won’t secure a strange look or an instant, “Check, please!” on her behalf. Out of all the things you could possibly say, what’s the very last one you’d admit to liking? This, this exact scenario, is why Weird Al fans are in the deepest, most shameful level of Hell. I mean, where else do you put people who’d rather admit to being into hentai and Lightning (and often, a weird mix between the two) than admit to liking a musician? No matter how witty his songs are, or how much he changes the original to be more enjoyable and relatable than its source material, there’s still something oddly and inherently un-cool about song parodies. Don’t believe me? Just try and sit through one – just one! – song parody video on YouTube. If you made it entirely through that video, congrats! We’ll be seeing you here in the very near future.
After 3000 words, I'm still almost speechless by how nerdy this is.
Nerd Hell is a place where it’s somehow cooler to like Justin Bieber, Carly Rae Jepsen, or Maroon 5 than it is to like Weird Al. Yes, woe is he who drums his steering wheel to the beat of “Eat It,” and eternal damnation to she who doesn’t know “Jurassic Park” is a cover of “MacArthur Park.” Oh no, indeed! To punish the abhorred spirits who haunt this realm, we’ve banned all original music – that is, any original song by an artist that Weird Al might parody in the first place – as well as Weird Al’s music, itself. In their stead, we play on loop a vast selection of cover-cover songs, music that has been covered from a Weird Al cover of an original composition. Did you like “Bad?” Did you like Weird Al’s version, “Fat?” Well, you’re going to absolutely fucking hate “Brat,” an awful cover of Weird Al’s version about a Bratwurst with menstrual cramps. Lightyears worse than “Like a Virgin,” and somehow less clever than “Like a Surgeon,” our cover of Weird Al’s cover, “Like a Sturgeon,” relays to its irritated listeners the pitfalls and perils of being a species of mostly brackish water fish on the verge of extinction due to overharvesting and pollution. The great thing about this layer of Hell is that the only place original pieces of music are available is in the Seventh Layer Karaoke Bar! Here, you can sing along to music as it was initially conceived to your heart’s desire. Except, you met a really cute girl there and you bought her a drink and sort of hit it off, and after talking and flirting the two of you have decided to sing a song together. She’s in a silly mood and decides to sing a popular alternative song from the late 90s. Confident and bold, you step up to the mic and mistakenly belt out the lyrics to “Pretty Fly for a Rabbi,” proving just how incredibly un-fly you really are (for a white guy, anyway). She looks at you with shock and disgust, condemning you for the audacity to sing a Weird Al song in her presence. As she storms off the stage, she is welcomed by a man who has never, not even once in his life, even heard a Weird Al song – let alone enjoyed one. As the two walk off into Cool Jock Heaven, her new beau, Drama (from HBO Emmy-winning series for Cool Jocks and BJ-Receivers Entourage) looks over his shoulder back at you, mouths the word “nerd,” and whisks her away. Probably to screw.
How horrible was this journey to Hell? To which level will your soul be damned for eternity? Why is Earth so similar to the Underworld? Let me know in the comments below, fellow nerds!