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LONG BLOG

weslikestacos' Inferno: Canto I

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I can see you're a bit disoriented, so allow me to alleviate your concerns: Your life on Earth has recently come to an end, and like trillions before you, your terrestrial exploits have damned you to Hell! In life you were greedy, vain, and brimming with hubris; basically all humans are total shit nowadays, so Heaven has gotten pretty lax on those aforementioned nasty traits. So, your personality faults aren't what got you here - it's your extreme nerd-dom that did you in! That's right, being a total, absolute dork is grounds for spending eternity in the pits. Guess you shoulda gone outside more, huh?

Don't feel too bad, though - Hell really isn't as bad as it's made out to be. In fact, if you can get used to the overwhelming heat baking you to the core at all times, the constant tormented screams of the other dead souls, and the fact that the jug in the water cooler hasn't been replaced in 250 years, it's really not too different from living in Trenton in July. There are even less rats here!

Waiting room for Hell, or New Jersey? Trick question - New Jersey is the waiting room for Hell!

So, before we get you processed, let me explain how this place works. Here in Hell we have seven different levels - circles, really - wherein souls are assigned based on their nerdy interests and obsessions on Earth. As wasting time on dorky entertainment is considered a grievous sin by the cool-guy, non-nerd populace (i.e., the characters from HBO's Entourage - yes, society deemed them "cool" and you a "total dweeb"), punishment equal to the sin is doled out in each and every layer, guaranteeing you learn from your past mistakes! The outer layers of Hell are for minor offenses, while each inner rung is reserved for progressively worse offenses - the innermost housing the most grievous of nerdy sins. As part of your orientation, you will now be taken on a tour of Hell to learn more about each of the seven layers so you can know what to expect upon assignment. So, without further ado:

Welcome to Nerd Hell!

Outer Layer: Owners of Game Consoles Who Play Games Other Than Call of Duty and Madden

In the past, owners of gaming consoles were placed much deeper in Hell; but the only thing that doesn't change is change, and as such, people who play games other than CoD and Madden have had a bit of a reprieve in recent years, now shifted down to occupy the first layer of Hell. [It should go without saying that people who exclusively play CoD and Madden are Cool Guys Who Do Lots Of Sex, and aren’t really gamers, and will therefore be excluded from damnation for this particular offense.] Play Assassin's Creed? Nerd. Like Rock Band? Gimme your lunch money! Popping in a game from a Japanese developer? SEE YOU IN HELL! The simple fact is that real gamers who don't have a KDR of at least 2.5 or can't even beat the Browns on All-Madden mode, and instead enjoy the literally thousands of other gaming experiences their home consoles have to offer, are total losers and shall thus welcome the damned on an entry-level position in Hell. 

This man is willingly playig The Elder Scrolls Online. He deserves what's coming to him.

While no longer considered egregious in nature, the fact that these poor, unfortunate souls played Far Cry or any Earth Defense Force game means that they're trapped in Hell for eternity. As punishment for their crimes, they're damned to being restricted to games that require 4.6 GB patches that release a month after launch just to get the damn things playable, buying games with features missing from subsequent releases that defined earlier iterations (or even a genre), and being required to pre-order season passes costing as much as the game itself that are either totally ambiguous in nature until release (leading to inevitable disappointment) or entirely lock out all of the good content to save for the pass itself. The audacity to support gaming in its current state is punishment enough for even bothering, it seems. Look, I don't make the rules here!

Second Layer: Comic Book / Trading Card Collectors

Once considered the entry-level position for nerd-ness, the comic book and trading card geeks have now been shifted down one rung (because reading is totally for nerds, of course). I mean, you're a rational person, so think about it: Which would you be more embarrassed walking into, a GameStop or a Ned's Comics and Collectibles and Embroidered Elastic Band on Underwear Emporium (most comic stores now offer this service)? No, don't answer, because I know what you're going to say. Let's face it, dude - only a real nerd would sift through thousands of issues of confusing comics and conflicting plotlines to get a story, when you could have just watched the movie all along! And trading cards, really? The only thing you should be trading to keep out of Nerd Hell is phone numbers with sexy women, just like the characters from HBO's Hit Megaseries Entourage! Didn't you learn anything from that show?

Whatever the hell it is that's going on here, you can rest assured that it's in the bottom 10% of weird shit that's ever happened in this comic shop.

Because these wretched souls enjoyed their comics and card games so much in life, it is our duty here in Nerd Hell to make sure they don't in death. As such, we've confiscated all comic sleeves and card books and have placed all comics and cards randomly on a shelf in between the deep fryer and playground where we send kids who just ate chocolate, but also have colds. In addition, we've removed all older reference issues mentioned in newer issues to keep new readers up with plot changes, thus ensuring you'll never, EVER remember where Captain America got that stupid fucking unicycle. I hope you're happy now, nerds.

Third Layer: People Who Play Handheld Devices in Public Places

Behold! An entire rung of Hell with people paying absolutely no attention to the world that surrounds them. Faces buried in Vitas and 3DS's and mobile phones, these guileless gamers reject social etiquette and situational awareness in favor of being transported to a fantastical world (never acknowledging the irony that they are currently being transported in a world, thanks to Trump, becoming increasingly more fantasy-like). If you think that playing a game while engaging in public, social interaction isn't that big of a deal, ask someone on the bus whose face is in their N-Gage if the seat next to them, THE ONLY EMPTY SEAT, is free. Now wait about 17 seconds for them to register that someone is not only acknowledging their presence, but also attempting to interact with them. Now prepare yourself for the inevitable response of, "Huh?" as you stymie the almost-irresistible urge to slap them in cuffs and make a citizen's arrest. This feeling, how it makes you feel about yourself and the world, is why they're in Hell. 

Living the dream...so long as the dream is visible from the knees-down.

For their transgressions in the mortal realm, these nerds on the run will face their pet-est of peeves - children looking over their shoulder while they game. That's right, nerds, just try and enjoy Fire Emblem while Little Timmy is sniffling non-stop in your ear, shouting, "LOOK!" to his mother, and constantly asking you to play. And don't even think about getting up to move - the battery lives on your devices are so incredibly poor that you can't be without your charger for more than fifteen minutes. Enjoy charging for seven hours to get fifteen minutes of gameplay! Oh, also, the handheld was released with no real intention of ever making any games for it. I hope you like JRPG's and dating sims where you play an orphaned telephone trying to find love in an antiquated corporate office, because that's all you're getting for the rest of eternity!

Fourth Layer: People Who Complain about Changes from Source Material in Super Hero / Comic Book Movies

Have you ever been impressed by anyone's vast knowledge of Ant-Man and their subsequent in-depth analysis of the differences of the movie from the comics, and why those differences lead to an ostensibly terrible film? Yeah, neither has Heaven. As this is a natural extension of collecting comics - not to mention being super annoying - these pedantic pundits of print are damned to the fourth ring in Nerd Hell. Apparently oblivious to the fact that covering an entire backstory and motivational arc of a single comic character would take 2-3 films minimum (meaning triple the amount of already-redundant origin story movies), these nerds complain loudly and evangelically when any single detail of a character is changed to fit the much more time-conscious constraints of a movie or TV series. I mean, really, you're ok with the fact that a teenager created a fluid almost exactly the same as spider's webs, and a way to use that to bend and shape gravity and physics to his will, but not ok with the movie changing it to just being naturally produced by his body to go along with the other nonsense abilities provided by being bitten by a bug? Oh great, and now you've wasted two hours of my evening telling me about the myriad changes from the origin story? This is why you're here, dude.

Aw shit, you didn't tell him that you liked Spider-Man 3, did you? Now you're in for it.

Since being irritating is considered a most grievous offense, we've devised an excellent and very judicious system of punishment for these dorks: Movies based on comics will not only be three-and-a-half hours long each, but we've granted exclusive production rights to Platinum Dunes! That's right, Michael Bay's production company will produce every single comic and nerd franchise film, with none other than Brett Ratner directing each one! Also, instead of each character having distinct personality traits and motives, they'll all be either snarky wise-asses always ready with a witty retort, or broody sociopaths constantly sucking the joy out of everyone and everything around them. So, they're basically all Iron Man from the MCU or any character from a Zack Snyder film. That’s not gonna be an issue, is it?


In the next issue, our intrepid tour guide takes us lower into the bowels of Hell, where even more sinister fiends await. Have ye the will to carry on?

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About Wes Tacosone of us since 9:23 PM on 11.29.2011

Destructoid's resident LVL 70 Tacomancer, and Community Manager. I've personally backed exactly one KickStarter/crowdfunding project: Sony's PlayStation, by Dtoid community member darrenhupke.
PSN ID:pmanningrocks


 

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