Strider makes some cool cards for some cool people, but he can't really be expected to have the time to make one for everyone. I made one for my own profile and then decided to make a couple for other dtoiders while I'm at it. Unlike Strider's card, these follow the Magic the Gathering ruleset! So if you have Magic Set Editor installed, you can just download the cards I made and modify them or add your own! Maybe one day, you'll be able to play a draft made purely out of Destructoid cards... But as is they're fun little add-ons.
Magic the Gathering has 5 colors of mana: blue, red, green, white and black. As such, I wanted to make cards for 5 dtoiders who don't have cards yet but would, together, have a balanced distribution of mana.
Black mana's typically associated with disruptive abilities that force the opponent to discard cards, yourself to trade health away for some advantages. There's also a lot of graveyard interaction where you can reuse cards after they expire. I picked myself to represent black mana because of some self-destructive tendencies of mine. Plus, the red/black color scheme of Persona 2 can be perfectly applied to Magic!
Planeswalkers are cards that are on the same level of power in-universe as the players, so they're the perfect fit for dtoiders. Every time they use an ability (once per turn) their loyalty counter is affected (bottom right). Players can also attack planeswalkers to decrease their loyalty. Once loyalty decreases to 0 or lower, the planeswalker is moved to the graveyard. In this case, I have included no ability that allows me to gain loyalty, going well with the self-destructive aspect. All my abilities allow the player to draw cards, either from the deck or the graveyard, but I'm also an easy target that won't last very long on the battlefield. Recycling tired memes is my best move in real life, and is the best move in this card as well, not costing health like the other two abilities do.
White is mostly associated with swarming the enemy with too many creatures to handle, and with holy power allowing to smite or disable the strongest creatures on the board. Larxinostic's card reflects this by being themed around Neptunia (Nep Nep) taking over. Once someone starts talking about Neptunia in the chat, you know it's going to get Nep Nep in here! Unfortunately Neptunia's purple color can't be reflected in the color pie, but blue's a close equivalent.
Larxinostic's first ability is to pretend to be Occam's Electric Toothbrush by writing BANNED in all caps in the chat, followed by nobody actually getting banned. This ability allows for quick loyalty gain in exchange for Nep posting. The second and third ability allows the Neps to spiral out of control, as long as you've got the loyalty necessary for the third.
Blue mana is associated with control of the board, having abilities that mostly center about making sure the opponent cannot play their decks the way they want to. As such, Gamemaniac3434's second and third abilities are designed to make the opponent pissed off.
You might be amused at the swampy antics of his research, but you'll laugh a lot less when his mastery of biology hits your strongest creature at the worst moment! And worst of all, once he starts forcing the "Mmmm" rule there's no telling what will happen to your game plan after a single slip-up.
Red's the color of hastiness, designed to win the game quickly or die trying. Cheap creatures and spells that damage the opponent or their creature's health are aplenty in that color. As such, it's a perfect fit for Torchman, who's quick to call other people's waifus shit but stumbles when it comes time to back it up. Plus a torch, that's kinda red right?
To reflect Torchman as much as possible, I forced the player to say the same things over and over just to use the abilities on the card. Starting at only 3 loyalty, it takes at the very least 4 outbursts saying that the ultimate's coming before Angel has the chance to come out. The most interesting ability on the card, the second one, actually hurts his ability to get the ultimate out... So that ultimate must be particularly impressive right?
Ehh, she's alright I guess? Kinda forces you to play three colors if you're not going to rely on Torchman to cast her, which can screw you over in Magic.
Green's the color of nature, associated with rapidly increasing your mana resources, putting strong creatures on the board and making those strong creatures even stronger. Green's not really about how many you have, but how far you can go with little.
So of course I chose TrippyTip. While she might talk about butts and cocks with the rest of us, she's also about to rise above and beyond by combining both. Both Larx/Trip and Blaze/Trip are unsunk ships, so her last ability (a passive) allows the shipping game to remain strong. As long as she and at least another planeswalker stays on the field, everyone benefits!