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LONG BLOG

Conrad Zimmerman's Chupacabros: A Podtoid Willem Dafoe Movie Pitch

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[In Podtoid episode 236: "Give My Scarecrow A Blowjob", co-host Conrad gives us a rare Willem Dafoe movie pitch. It's a long and complicated affair that's read at a pretty fast pace, so it's a bit difficult to follow aurally. What follows is maybe the only transcript on the internet! I'm not sure, I didn't look that hard. But it's not on the Podtoid wikia, so... here!]

Brendan Frasier is Humphrey Windcomb, a high-powered attorney who's been successfully paving the way for his oil company clients to begin drilling in wilderness preserves. And while visiting the site of a drilling operation, an accident relating to poor safety standards causes and explosion resulting in a devastating oil leak. And so Humphrey is wounded in the explosion and is rushed to the finest medical facilities in the world (which we all know are in Tijuana, Mexico). After months of recovery and introspection, Windcomb now faces a crisis of conscience.

"I'm a lawyer facing a crisis of conscience!" he says and he looks out over the pristine landscape of Tijuana and the beautiful sunset from his wheelchair — when out of the corner of his eye he sees some movement in the brush.

He looks closer and sees a small dark form, with twinkling eyes and a voice that says, "I know all about conscience!" The form steps out into the light and reveals itself to be a short, rail-thin figure with fine fur and spines running down its back. And its head is completely hairless and human (well human-ish, it's played by Richard O'Brien). "I'm a chupacabra, and I can be your guide! Let me take you on a journey of self-discovery — we just need two tickets to Atlantic City."

Meanwhile, out of the view of both of them, a man stands on a hilltop with a pair of binoculars, examining them. It's Willen Dafoe. He says, "I knew the chupacabra was real! And I, Mickey Finkswiggle the greatest cryptozoologist in the world, is gonna be the one to catch it!"

So, Humphrey and the chupacabra head to the airport and the chupacabra is wearing a big fedora hat and a long overcoat to disguise himself. With Humphrey's condition in a wheelchair they manage to make it through security without any incident. They sit down in first-class and Humphrey falls asleep the second the flight takes off. When he wakes up, they've landed in Atlantic City and the chupacabra rushes him off the plane, eager to begin their spirit quest.

Then the camera pans down to the baggage handlers unloading the plane, and there's a bloodied goat with a gaping hole in its side sliding down the conveyor belt.

So, they get to a hotel and the chupacabra explains his plan. "I have an elixir that my body produces," he says and he makes a cup of coffee for Humphrey, "it helps people like you who have difficulty letting go. I'll just squeeze a little bit of it out into your drink and you'll feel better right away." He squeezes his hand over the drink and a few drops fall out, he gives the cup to Humphrey and he drinks it down...

...and the world just starts to lose focus. [Holmes commentary: "Now the world starts to lose focus?!"]

The vision gets fuzzy and we hear the chupacabra say "The secret to living with yourself when you're a horrible person is to put yourself in a perpetual state of numbness." And so, Humphrey and the chupacabra hit the town and there's a big montage of them gambling and drinking and it processes into a cocaine bender and lap dances with scantily clad, progressively nuder women, grinding on Humphrey in his wheelchair. And Humphrey forgets about all of his problems, and he's smiling, and the party extends on until dawn. The scene fades back in on the VIP room — it's just a mess, it's completely unclean, but it's now occupied by police officers.

And along one of the couches is one of the dancers, she's got a hole in her stomach, she's completely drained of blood.

The police officers are totally baffled, when suddenly Mickey Finkswiggle enters the room and says "I know what this is! It's the chupacabra! And the people of Atlantic City will never be safe until I's catches it!"

So, this goes on for forty minutes — the chupacabra and Humphrey having these increasingly debauched nights of excess, and Mickey showing up just after they leave "There's got to be a pattern," Mickey says aloud to nobody in particular, every time this happens. And then he's walking down the street and he sees a billboard for the 25th Annual Everything Goes Orgy Marathon and realizes where he can lay a trap for the chupacabra.

So that night, Humphrey and the chupacabra of course go to the Everything Goes Orgy Marathon (I mean who would miss the 25th?) and they start the evening off with some light bondage. A man in a gimp suit ties them to posts and goes to retrieve torture implements off the wall, and he starts laughing. Then Humphrey goes, "Why are you laughing, gimp man? Make with the slapping and the hurting so I might forget what a horrible person I am!"

"I'm laughing because I'm not just a gimp," says the gimp man, pulling off his mask, "I'm also Mickey Finkswiggle, the greatest cryptozoologist in the world, and I've finally caught the chupacabra! Now I'm gonna put it in a cage!"

"Can't you see the chupacabra is a wonder of nature, it cannot be allowed to be contained or destroyed! We must preserve its natural glory forever and allow it to run free!"

"You are indeed a great lawyer, Humphrey Windcomb! And there's no defense to your argument. I shall never again try to lock away newly discovered species in cages!" says Mickey, who unties the chupacabra and Humphrey from the posts before walking out to feed it.

Humphrey turns to the chupacabra and says, "You said you were going to teach me how to live with myself, but instead you taught me that I need to defend the environment from the horrible people who are seeking to destroy it with their corporate greed. You are truly a wise and great friend, chupacabra."

The chupacabra looks back at Humphrey, with tears welling up in his eyes, and says, "Then I've failed. For the life not lived to excess is no life at all." 

Reaching into his overcoat, he pulls out a revolver, places the gun barrel into his mouth, and pulls the trigger.

His body falls across Humphrey in the wheelchair, who looks to the sky and screams, "Why, god! Whyyyy!"

~Fade to black

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About Dr Melone of us since 10:58 PM on 01.31.2012

Hello, curious browser. I've been a reader of Dtoid for several years now and continue to enjoy the unique sense of community around these parts. I think I'll stick around, if ya don't mind.