ESRB to re-rate ALL video games; Super Mario Brothers series given an AO for being a "Turtle Murder Simulator"
The ESRB has been on a tear lately. First they slapped an AO (adults only) rating on Manhunt 2. This gives a possibly mediocre game that would have came and left with little fanfare the notoriety it doesn't deserve. But now The ESRB is setting its sights higher; by re-rating every game in existence. I interview Lance Buttwhipple (pronounced butt-we-play, but-what-evers) outside ESRB headquarters.
"The ESRB is committed to bringing family fun back to gaming" states Buttwhipple, CHC
of the ESRB. Curious of his official title, I asked to explain what The CHC does.
"As you know, the members of the ESRB don't actually play the games that we rate. So in order for us to be in the proper mood to rate, the CHC was created. Chief Head of Concessions
ensures that the popcorn is properly popped, coffee orders are correct, and that those inflatable hemmoroid rings are at their maximum PSI. Its not an easy job, but I take popcorn and butt comfort very seriously."
When asked to expand on some of the new ratings, Asswhipple had this reply:
"Super Mario Brothers had some of the most violent turtle torture I've ever seen. First you stomp them, then kick them into a bottomless pit. Also, the damage that can be inflicted with Kuribo's Shoe still keeps me up at night."
"We took a look at Custer's Revenge for the Atari 2600, and the sexual content was not even recognizable. But then we took a look at Custer's penis. After hours of study we discovered that it is 11 pixels long, instead of the 10 pixel penis limit in the regulations. That had to be re-rated as AO."
Buttwhipple was most happy with the ESRB's efforts at cleaning up the internet. "The ESRB is going to accomplish what the government and conservative groups could not, and that is the removal of filth from the internet."
I raise an eyebrow in disbelief, and ButtWhipple continues:
"Our initial efforts have started with a character named "Bridget" from the game "Guilty Gear". A sassy lass dressed as a nun of all things, we find that she is a little too scantily clad for a game. We have been collecting terabytes of her images in various compromising positions for research."
I raise my hand to clarify just who Bridget is, and at this point Buttwhipple's car arrives. Buttwhipple puts a hairy, calloused hand in my upraised hand, and bids me adieu.
He lowers the car window, waving his other hand, a slim manicured one. "We're keeping you safe" Buttwhipple yells as he rides off.
I ride off also. To find a vat of hand sanitizer.