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LONG BLOG

KF003 FE3: New Year New Cheer

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Dear Reader:

~  The following blog is a pure stream of mental consciousness. Edits were made but the side-windy turns this thing makes is all part of the narrative I’m painting
PS: No images were included in the making of this post. It was intended to be a more intimate letter to you, the reader. I think you deserve better than that. This is my fondest thanks, for even caring.
Thank you for your patience and for your attention.





:0
Hey. :)

Have I been away? My apologies.

You see the thing is, I’ve actually been writing articles and saving them up. I wanted to give you some consistency. I also believed that this particular article was most appropriate for really reintroducing myself to the destructoid community and because it is mostly centered on looking forward into the future, into a brighter tomorrow, into becoming a better person for the new year I wanted to wait until New Year’s Eve to bring my post into scope (if that makes any sense at all).


I also didn’t want to post a single blog and just vanish. Truth be told a lot has happened to me in the past few months that has ra dical ly changed my life, both good and ill. My stable job (that I started to hate) became full time, enabling me to afford a better place. I moved into an awesome home, I went on TWO vacations this year (I hadn’t gone on a vacation since 2002). I saw different parts of the world, I worked on my body and finally got into shape, I started eating better. I started having dreams and not nightmares. It was an amazing year. It was also the year that my father and I were having major arguments ultimately resulting him in going on a journey across the country. For that I have regrets (an ongoing story rest assured).


But let’s not dwell on the recent. We have other business to attend to: the elephant in the room that is my three year hiatus. Without further adieu, let’s dive right in.

Last time We Talked ((we didn’t talk really, I talked at you through words, see I’m clever because I’m just a smarmy arsehole)) depression, insomnia and use of time were at the forefront of my lack of writing. I allowed my life to get out of my control and spiral into a cycle of “tomorrow I’ll write a post, tomorrow I’ll write a post.” That shouldn’t have happened, and it wouldn’t have if I didn’t let it.




Except I did.


But today I’m a bit stronger than that. I’ve allowed myself finer things in life. I’ve allowed myself sleep. I’ve allowed myself breaks from my everyday routine. And I’ve given myself a career goal to strive to and not let my current employment keep me in that hamster wheel of slightly more than minimum-wage-trickling income.Last time I also asked you, the audience, the bonus question: “What time do you sleep at night and how many hours of sleep do you have on average?” However, no one came by to fap so was the question really asked? I digress though because it just sounds like I’m whining when I’m really just interested in gauging the sleep cycle of the dtoid community and get an idea for what’s considered “normal” among us. 


Now I know it sounds like I’m an anti-establishment flower-sniffing dreadlock-wearing hippy when I talk down about minimum wage and trickle-down income, but I couldn’t be farther from that type of person (not that there’s anything wrong with that). 
I was raised to be pretty conservative and believe in a set of rules for how to appear in order to take more control over how you are perceived. I was taught that perception is everything. Even if you didn’t think you came off as a joke it didn’t mean a thing. If your pants touched the floor then they were too long, go get a shorter size. 

Almost always dress professionally unless doing dirty work like I discussed was my fate two blogs ago in my “grand” return. You want to look professional, serious and sophisticated. That by merely wearing a suit shirt, maybe a tie, a suit jacket, nice pants and shoes (with matching socks) you opened doors to employment opportunities and respect that you might otherwise not have gotten as much. 

This is merely a blanket philosophy that should have merely applied to interviews and maybe some fields of academia but was applied to everything. That is how I lived my life up to a certain point and it served me well during some interviews and in others I’ve learned to cope with the reality that it would never have made a difference.

Now that you know a little more about me let me state this: employment can be an amazingly fun experience and it could be the worst part of your day.Period. Is there an in-between? Absolutely! But the thing I’ve come to realize is if you are not happy with the place where you work or the job function that you are doing: You. Are. Only. Hurting. Yourself. By simply returning to that same setting week after week after week you are forcing yourself to endure more self hate and anguish.

It took me over four years to learn that.


Four years I will never get back and that’s okay. I’m at peace with that. In fact, today I’ll be going back to a similar setting but with the knowledge that those days are numbered. My new position starts in a week after the new year and I will rarely work in the same setting let alone in the same capacity. From here on out, most of everything in how I look at life has changed. I’m not REALLY trapped in this job. I choose to be here until I decide it’s time for me to change the scenery.

So that’s where we are right now. A new chapter. A new year. A new outlook. And it has been working. My social media experience on twitter has changed. I’ve outreached to others in their time of need and I feel better for it. In turn they follow me back and we become legit friends. Not just “online buddies,” but people who banter back and forth on nonsense that only we care about. It’s nice. It feels like there are actual people I’m connecting with in person and not merely the parascope effect of “having experiences.”


Likewise at work people have taken a notice on how I appear and engage others and they take a moment to say positive things to me. At first I was taken aback and didn’t even know what to say but it really came clear to me soon enough that I am part of the environment I exist in. If I internalize the bad then the bad will exude from my presence and transfer to others, but if I had only internalized the good and shunned the negative I would have had a much easier first year than what I experienced. Recently, receiving positive feedback had resulted in extended vacation time in the following year. I am very satisfied.


This was also the year that I was not satisfied with my aging. My hairline had definitely receded somewhat and I appear older, for the worse than I had a few years ago starting in this company. The bags under my eyes from the late nights and the heartburns I experience from foods I used to enjoy are shining red beacons telling me that it is time to not settle for this current position.


This was the year I finally decided to go back to school. That’s right. Go back. To. College.

DUN. DUN! DUUUUUUUUN!!!

I decided to go into some STEM field. I haven’t decided what yet, perhaps dentistry or pharmacy. I like helping people and those jobs have a possibility of agency for helping others. It’s something I’m considering.

 
I may update further on the career front in the future but for now I feel like I opened up my private life a little too wide for a little too long. I hope you enjoyed this stream of consciousness, this brain-brick of a blog post as I had been sitting on these thoughts for quite some time. I wanted the words to come out just right on this special hopeful night as you read this after recovering from a night of revelry. 

I wish you well dear dtoiders, in all of your future endeavors and I hope you have a safe and happy new year’s eve and day. And of course, I wish you a happy new year. May 2016 be bright, beautiful, and BOSSome!

Until next time, Toiders, keep toiding.





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About Kwamouflageone of us since 2:36 PM on 08.31.2012

I'm a college graduate who focused almost all of his time on his studies and now wants to take a break from that life and see what he can do in the real world by making something of himself.

What does that mean? Well it means that more schooling is in my future but for now I want to get out all the game related thoughts I suppressed for 4 and a half years during my studies. That's what this blog is all about.

Do I have higher aspirations for being on Dtoid? ABSOLUTELY! I hope to be a paid writer someday (anywhere really but to be paid on Dtoid would be a dream come true). That's a nice little fantasy. But it's not about the work, it's about forcing myself to keep on writing.
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I currently write the following features:

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An Escapist's Love of Zenonia 4
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Top 5 Reasons I Didn't Blog
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