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LONG BLOG

Tales of Xillia Impressions [nsfw]

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[This post contains spoilers for the first couple hours of the game and is nsfw.]

[Seriously.]

[You have been warned]

Sir Fucks A Lot. That's my main character in Tales of Xillia.

In truth his name his name his Jude and he is lame. He has so little personality that I can't figure out what his personality is. There are hints of someone who is super nice and polite, he's dumb as a rock, and the faintest trace of other personality traits, but they're too faint for me to pinpoint. He also has accidently syndrome. There's a book I have with letters from Dan Savage advice column that involve accidents such as "I accidently didn't tell my boyfriend of one year that I've been another guy's slave for four years and this is going to be an issue when he makes me get an piercing in a very delicate place." These are not accidents, they're are incidents are totally in guilty party's control and their fault. Jude's mistake are more "I accidently wandered in a sewer that I've been told multiple times to stay out of, I don't understand why I'm being attacked, guess I gotta kill a dude!" but if you played Jude you'd understand that not mentioning he has a secret sex master is a mistake that could also happen to him. It probably already did.

My boyfriend isn't very impressed with Jude. "You should have played as the girl," He told me. "She has pokemon." I will never admit this to his face, but he is right. Not because she has pokemon, but she isn't lame like Jude it turns out. I thought when I initially saw her that she was just some hippie in bad clothes, but she's actually kind of cool. Kicks ass no questions asked. Learn from my mistakes, play as the chick. And report back if she's better or not.

There's is one advantage to playing as Jude. He has so little personality that I can imagine him as whatever I want. It helps that the dialogue isn't worth reading so I can disregard it, and insert whatever I want. Hence Jude has become Sir Fucks A Lot. He's become the character I wish I was playing, not the character I was stuck with. He does whatever he want, performing various sex acts along the way.

See, he didn't really kill a bunch of guards doing their job while he was accidently trespassing. He just gave them such amazing bjs that they went home to have a beer or whatever they drink in this world and go, "Mmmm that was a good bj." Yep. And he didn't leave those people in green goo without much of a though-okay he did. But he's a jerk only interested in sexy times, so that makes sense. Those everyday clothes he wears, there's no way those are everyday clothes. Those are his sex dungeon clothes. And it continues.

This is how my Sunday evening was spent, detailing the adventures of Sir Fucks a Lot to my boyfriend as I played. I wouldn't have spent my evening differently. He would have.


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About Geistone of us since 11:05 PM on 07.05.2015

I am a girl who games. Really badly. But I game. And I'm very passionate about games.