The holidays are here and my wife is spending us into oblivion. I don’t see why we have to buy presents for EVERYONE. Isn’t Christmas supposed to be just for the children?
And no, my wife’s cousins, who are in their late teens and twenties DO NOT fucking count as children anymore. They are in college, or recently graduated and have jobs. If anything, they should be buying my 3 year-old daughter Christmas presents now. The statute of limitations (or something) of buying Christmas presents for them is over. Oh, they made a Christmas list? So did I, and there is only one thing on it, and that is:
“Santa, please don’t let the bank foreclose on my house when my wife spends the mortgage payment on Christmas gifts.”
Christmas has become overly commercialized and tiresome, but if I have to buy a gift, then you better believe that I’m going to buy you something horrible and passive aggressive. With that said, here’s my top five gaming gifts to give to people you hate. Merry fucking Christmas
5. Kinect for Xbox One or the Xbox 360
For all the impressive technology housed within a Kinect, boy does this thing suck. No one knows how to actually make interesting games for this thing, INCLUDING Microsoft.
The Kinect is actually one of the main contributors to Microsoft losing its lead to Sony when they launched the Xbox One. The act of including a Kinect in the box made the Xbox One $100 more expensive than the PS4. Also, the Xbox One, which is already negligibly inferior graphically to the PS4 was further hampered by the fact that developers were locked out of hardware resources specifically set aside to support Kinect. What dipshit actually thought this was a good idea?
I recently disconnected the Kinect from my Xbox One and sold it off to someone for $50 on a Facebook virtual garage sale. I feel like I took advantage of this person. I feel dirty and ashamed. The only way I could have made this worse is if I followed this guy home, broke into his house and kicked his dog. I used the $50 from this sale to buy a bottle of Scotch and washed away the shame.
4. X360 Special Forces Headset
The promotional copy for this product states that you will “Communicate with precision and style with the Special Forces Headset for Xbox 360 from CTA Digital. What makes this headset unique is its throat microphone, which is sensitive enough to pick up a whisper yet clear enough for everyone to hear you in the game environment.”
Indeed, nothing is more stylish than a “throat microphone.” All the racist 12-year-olds online, who can’t see you anyway, will be mightily impressed and jealous while they teabag your lifeless body.
I am assuming that this will help the mouth breathers out there, who can’t help exhaling into their microphones. Sometimes when I’m playing online I’m not sure if the heavily breathing person who I’m playing with is a fat Halo fanboy or some creep masturbating to the sound of my voice. Perhaps it’s both?
The user reviews for this product have not been kind. My favorite is from OgreKing on GameStop.com who writes:
“People have no trouble hearing me, but they can't understand what im [sic] saying. It sounds like your [sic] talking through a kinect mic. Other than that it works as intended.
So essentially, OgreKing (if that’s your REAL NAME) believes that the X360 Special Forces Headset works like shit, which is exactly what the manufacturer intended.
3. “2 in 1” Comfort Grip for PS4
This product confuses me on many levels. First of all, I have no idea what this product looks like. There are no images of it on the GameStop.com website, so I provided a picture of a bear on a bicycle, because I’ve always wanted to and never had a reason to, until now.
Reading the promotional copy does not provide any more insight as to what this product is supposed to do either.
Cut fatigue and keep your controller in great shape. Custom cutouts fit like a glove, No more excuses!
• Custom textured joystick covers
• Protect your controller from dust and scratches
• Precision cutouts for each button, joystick and the D-Pad
• Non-slip material with ribbed grip for better control & enhanced gaming performance
• Soft-touch silicone material
The good news is that this product is dirt cheap at just $9.99 (or £5,000,000... probably). The bad news is that this is probably a repurposed sex toy given that it has a “ribbed grip” and “soft-touch silicone.”
2. Toad Wii U Fight Pad Controller
NO ONE LIKES YOU TOAD!
1. Pyramat Video Game Lounger
Folks, don’t buy video game furniture for yourself. If you receive video game furniture from a friend or family member, you should question your relationship with them, because they secretly hate you.
Gentlemen, video game furniture are vagina repellents. Girls will leave “Back to the Future” quality flaming tire marks out of your house if they see this thing in your living room or bedroom.
Ladies, honestly it doesn’t matter if you own this thing or not, because guys will pretty much screw anything.
The promotional copy is also hilarious:
“Take your gaming experience to the next level! Reclining in comfort while listening to powerful built-in speakers and a subwoofer you'll hear and feel your games as never before! Easy to use audio controls and easy access inputs and multiplayer connection allow you to tailor the experience and bring your friends along for the ride! Sturdy construction ensures excellent comfort and a long life!”
First of all, if you own this thing, you will have no friends. Secondly, it's good that this thing is built “sturdily” because you will be using it a lot, by yourself.
All in all, the Pyramat Video Game Lounger is the best gift to get someone you hate. It’s relatively cheap, takes up a lot of space, and will ruin their sex life. It’s scores the Christmas trifecta in passive aggressive resentment.
Have your own ideas on what gifts to get people you hate. Let me know in the comments.
Have a happy, healthy, and safe Holiday.