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LONG BLOG

Five tips for a #GamerChristmas

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For a culture that's been kicking around for thirty years, we have a sad lack of shared traditions. This is why Four In February is my favourite time of year whether I participate in it or not - it's nice to feel a sense that everybody's doing vaguely the same thing, possibly in a slightly inebriated state, probably haunted by the vague paranoia that they're not doing it well enough.

Still, let's not forget that Four in February started as an idea by writers on a website, and that nothing ever fixes itself that you don't try and fix. Unless it has nanomachines. Or Regen cast on it. Or it's offhanding the Adjudicator's Shield. Anyway, without further ado, I encourage the Destructoid community to put forth its ideas for Christmas traditions and embrace #GamerChristmas.

5. Watch The Wizard

Yes, OK, everybody knows the meme, but how many of you have actually forced yourself to sit down and subjected yourselves to the whole thing? No, don't close the browser already, 1989's The Wizard is actually a surprisingly enjoyable film (as I found out when I sat down last year and put myself through the whole affair last year). When it's not being genuine good-natured fun, it's being eye-poppingly awful; either way, you're not going to get bored.

The face of POWER



It also works quite well as a Christmas flick, being a road movie about a dysfunctional family learning to love and understand each other again through the magic of video games. Let us always be mindful that the best Christmas movie ever made is about a bad father trying to get home to his family for the holidays (Die Hard).

Trigger warning: There are a LOT of terrible schoolboy errors in the writing, stuff that really should have been caught in a movie that's basically a 90 minute NES commercial. Make sure your blood pressure medication mixes well with your eggnog.

4. Break up with WWE

Ever had makeup sex with someone who was still really upset with you? Like, they kept sighing or maybe they were just looking to one side and waiting for it to finish? Imagine that, only you paid nine ninety-nine for them to let you do it, and that's what the last twelve months has been for WWE fans. 


I can cancel my subscription. AND I WILL.



WWE has always cashed in on making its viewers sad and angry, but that's just because we're geeks and there's nothing we love better than venting our spleens in the comments section. It's what we do. This isn't that. The relationship has become abusive. We're not even angry any more, just tired and empty. We want out.

Why not take a crack at Lucha Underground? Go on, give it a Google right now and have a look. It's like the wrestling you know and love, only not awful.

3. Buy yourself a console that's now dirt cheap

Why not treat yourself to a console that until now has been completely outside your comfort zone? You can do it properly and everything. Wrap it up for yourself and open it on Christmas Day. Really make a go of being a kid again.





Let's have a quick look at Amazon. You could bag yourself a PS Vita for 150 bucks and be playing Titan Souls, Helldivers, The Binding of Isaac and 1001 Spikes on the bus. Or you could get a 3DS for a hundred dollars and be playing Phoenix Wright Vs Professor Layton, Animal Crossing, Tomodachi Life and Attack of the Friday Monsters. Or you could join us in the Monster Hunter master race. Master monster race. Monster race. Something.

2. Learn to appreciate your isolation

Alone at Christmas? None of your gaming friends within geographical range for some couch co-op? Maybe you're sat at a family get-together and you're the only one there with a handheld console.

Stop, breathe, and take some time out for some multiplayer against randoms on a completely generic shooter on Xbox Live. Say nothing for 30 seconds, then cough quietly and count how long it takes for a random American child to tell you "You cough like a bitch."


IT'S A LEGITIMATE STRATEGY



Turn the console off, and return to your pariah status with a lovely warm sense of superiority.

1. Throw down some gamer resolutions

Mine is to get The Binding Of Isaac: Rebirth properly finished in time for Afterbirth to hit the Vita. Yours doesn't have to be so specific goal, though. It could be anything to reduce the size of that goddamned pile of shame, though. I mean, look at it. February is going to be a NIGHTMARE for you. 


I still haven't united the crowns. For the love of God, IT'S BEEN OUT NEARLY TWO YEARS.

I'm no different. I haven't finished MGSV, for Christ's sake. Five years I waited for that game, FIVE FREAKING YEARS, and months after its release it's only 49% complete because I've been making troll builds on Dark Souls 2 so that I could do some hardcore ruining of other people's Christmases  By the way, Merry Christmas. Or should I say... EX-mas. YOU DIEDsmas. Something.

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About Dalek Sexone of us since 3:11 PM on 02.27.2013

Z list internet comic. I have worked on stuff for podcasts like What A Fool Believes, We Are The Lolocaust, The Monday Movie Show and The Gamescast. I named myself while I was blogging for Tachyon TV. There is a Dr. Who character called "Dalek Sec," only I made it a penis joke. Witty.

I have a Youtube channel where I play terrible mobile games. Sometimes I write and sing funny songs, like the Tailspin theme I rewrote to be about Jonathan Holmes.

Every print magazine and most of the websites I have ever written for have collapsed pyrotechnically within months, making me the Typhoid Mary of games journalism.

I used to write and manage the front page of Encyclopedia Dramatica when it was still good (pre-2008).

I got fired from NTSC-UK once.