This is the adventures of the crew of the mining ship Red Dwarf. I, Arnold Judas Rimmer have been co-opted by the X-Com organisation so we may engage with the alien force. Recognising my natural superiority and leadership qualities (chicken soup technician 3rd class) I led the team on our first away mission to engage the alien enemy. Maybe we can communicate with them! Maybe the Quagaars will at last give me a new body.
I sent Kryten to scout west, Lister and Cat proceeded north whilst I manfully scouted east taking cover behind a convenient barricade. I can hear the aliens but cannot see them. I am almost sure they are suing for peace.
This is all spoiled by the actions of that idiotic droid, as Kryten engages the aliens and fires upon them! My chances of acquiring a new body are slowly circling the drain. Lister enters the fray like some parody of Rambo whilst singing Rastabilly Skank, managing to tag an alien. Cat has spotted the meld! He forges forward and encounters a 10 foot tall alien made out of energy. Oh smeg. I am maintaining my cover, like a general marshalling my forces.
Cat has been killed by the energy alien! Oh smeg! Oh smeg! Oh smeg! I fire in a blind panic at the energy alien, somehow by sheer chance killing him. Everything has gone to smeg. Lister makes a run for the meld but is pinned down by suppressing fire by three aliens. Kryten is our only hope.
Kryten has the meld! I always said that droid would go far! He’s also took out one of the aliens! Two left! Lister throws a grenade in the rough direction of an alien, despatching it. I despatch the last one. We have won the day! Hurrah!