Since Nanners is a giant buttface, dickhole, cuntflap (just kidding boo), I had to change my idea for this month's.... Musing? BoB? You fucks have too many names for the same God damn things now days. So instead of writing about me as an old man (and how fucking awesome I'd be), I'm going to shoot out (heh) a quick top ten list, of why my glorious cock is better with age.
10:It's not small and boyish anymore. Seriously, when you're little the thing is like a long pinky finger. You have no clue what to do with it, other than piss. It randomly gets hard, but it's not till anywhere from 8-12 that anything fun happens with that. It's just a little noodle. Now, I have some nice girth and a good bob to my walk. There's a bag of junk between my legs and dammit, it's manly junk.
9: It's been places man. Oh, the places it's been too. Some good, some bad (ok, a lot of bad), all memorable though. My dick has been in more dank tunnels than a fucking Ninja Turtle.
8: He no longer springs to attention at a blurry picture of an elbow. Fucking boners man. The younger you are, the more often they happen. At the slightest god damn thing too. I'm so happy I no longer get 52 boners a fucking day. 28 is managable. The worst are when you're getting measured for pants or if your physical doc is attractive. Yes, I've had the shame of both.
7:He can hold his liqour better. Whiskey dick. Common issue for many mena fter a hard night of drinking. Not this salty sailor though. I can be passed out with alcohol poisoning and he will still perform. That's talent (and a drinking problem).
6: My dick accepts all forms of holes. Stuck fucking one gender? HA! Pathetic. Get out of here you fucking peasant.
5: It's the nicest looking thing in my pants. My legs are all scarred and beat to shit. I'm a hairy fellow on top of that. My ass isn't that great, but my dick? Youthful and brilliant. Well trimmed, excellent skin, good shine to the helmet. Yeah, my dick is a looker still.
4:He cums in different flavors. Unlike when I was younger and all you got was pills, booze, hot sauce and anger, now my semen can cum in a cornucopia of different tastes! A little water, some pineapple, maybe some papaya, a little cranberry, whatever you like! No wheat grass shots either! Fuck you Jamba Juice.
3:He has learned multiple points of entry and has different speed settings. When you're young, your dick is a like a liquor store robbery: In, out and messy as fuck and shits getting shot up. But with some experience and some years of learning, your dick can become a seasoned SWAT vet. Laying down breaching charges, that don't hurt the door. Smooth, confident entries with no bloodshed. Total tactical control of the situation. Sure, sometimes it's nice to have a gang bang(er), but most prefer the SWAT approach in my experience. Except for whores. Man. I love whores.
2:Patience. They say patience is a virtue and not something that can be learned. Well, my dick disagrees. Compared to when I was 14, this guy has calmed the fuck down a whole helluva lot. He's no where near as quick to spit in your face and be out in a flash. I wonder when The Flash comes back on TV? I like that show. Perfect blend of corny and awesome superhero shit imo.
1: He knows Andy Dixon's mother. Is there a sweeter mother to fuck? No. Not even yours HLBC. Definitely not Luna's either. Christ, you scare me Luna. I would never touch your mother or your father or anyone you even know. Please don't hurt me if you read this.
So there is 10 reasons why my dick is better with age. What, you expected me to write about games?
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About PhilKenSebbenone of us since 9:50 PM on 04.21.2009
Formerly known as Miguel Martinez. He is now almost 37 and old and one of your Community Managers. Focusing on community playdates, contests, and modding. He will never be Andy Dixon. He probably hates you as well (He's lying about that). He loves the cock though. He used to run The Low(er) Tier, he podcasted (and was on PStoid, led by dudes in pants) and got into development and then fell out of it. He says he enjoys nothing (his fat ass loves tacos though), but his known interests (besides games) are: reading, hiking, playing with his kids, yelling at old(er) people, collecting various urine samples, stalking Smurfee, bad MSPaint work, thinking about working out, itching his bare butthole and seeing how long he can go without smelling his finger and Batman. He loves old school cars (Chevy), football (Packers & Niners) and of course: Vidya Gamze!
His favorite games as a wee lass were: SMB3, Gunstar Heroes, Commander Keen, Blake Stone, Doom/Quake, Excitebike, Anything from Sierra/Lucasarts and MK. Now days he barely has times for games. Keen on TBS and Roguelikes still though (Spelunky ftw!). The replayability makes his dick hard. He also is known to be playing FPS online and headshotting your ass. He's always down to game with anyone, so feel free to hit him up on whatever you see I'm on. He's been on Dtoid quite awhile now (almost 8 years) and has been involved in numerous off the radar things like contests, recaps, Community Managing and spreading his AIDS. You could find him lurking mainly in the forums, but yeah. Dtoid has forums? Nlol. Now he's a simple qpost whore. He also checks for spam and spreads his love here and there in cblogs and the fp. He loves you sick bastards. In a sexy non-sexual way.
He is also on that thar Tweetarr @MikeMcPhil. Feel free to hit him up, He is always down to chat or lend an ear to someone in need. Or he'll send you some horrific or weird memes. Your choice.