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LONG BLOG

How E3 Will Go Down - "Hold onto Your Butts"

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With the recent "leaks" of E3 announcements, anyone else wonder what on Earth could be left to reveal? Let me fill you in on my take of what the event could hold.

Bethesda walk onto stage to the music from Fallout, stating that, like war, their game engine "never changes." They show some in-game footage of Fallout 4 before cutting it short, saying that only those who enjoyed Fallout 3 will get to see the event and anyone who preferred New vegas is immediately ejected from both the stream and the building via rocket chair. Once everyone has been picked up, carted off to hospital or brought back into the arena and the trailer has ended, Bethesda will announce the first original expansion to Elder Scrolls Online. They also announce that the original Elder scrolls team has moved to the Zenimax studio and Elder Scrolls VI will only start development once ESO has been milked like a fat cow. 
They also announce a sequel to Evil Within being developed as well as a new Dishonored. both games will be out "in the near future." When asked when that might be, they reply that it is is anywhere between "the present and the distant future." 

Next up is Square Enix who show off their roadmap for the next three years of Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn. It includes a remake of a world that is a replica of Final Fantasy 7. The crowd goes nuts but they reveal it's actually going to use assets from the PC port instead of FFXIV. 
They show off some new IPs and even a new virtual reality game where you get to interact with Hentai. Destructoid crashes. 

Destiny disappoints gamers everywhere by giving them the opposite of what they ask for. 

EA take to the stage and flip off every member of the crowd as they do so, pissing them off even more. They announce Battlefield 5 to be coming out at the end of next year. They also announce that Mirror's Edge 2 has been delayed due to a new annual racing IP. 
They are asked if the new Battlefield game will have a good story. In response they bring out the writing team behind Bad Company 3 and execute them on stage. That settles that

Ubisoft waltz onto the stage and talk about how great they are for half an hour before actually getting onto the games. They have sequels. Lots of sequels and no new IPs to show. 

Hello Games get their own segment and continue to be both idiotic but fantastically refreshing at the same time. 

Microsoft start off the conference with a bang, literally, they shoot a gun in the air that sort of epitomises their exclusive titles (loud and annoying). Show more footage of Halo 5. Announce Battletoads and the crowd goes wild. Show some gameplay of Quantum Break. Get some actual footage of Scalebound and end on a high note with a new IP.

Nintendo stalk onto the stage. They spray the crowd with ink and laugh at them. They then announce a new wave of Amiibo, for pre-order right at that moment. The crowd starts buying Amiibo while Nintendo talk about other IPs that are underwhelming. Once the noise has died down, they state that Star Fox for WiiU will be out on November and will come with more Amiibo characters that will be released the same day Star Fox does. Close their show with Legend of Zelda.

Sony walk out and decide to leak the first half of their presentation onto the internet. God of War 4 announcement. Half the crowd goes wild, other half shrug. All the crowd boo when Sony states that God of War 4 will only be digital and available to those who bought the God of War 3 Remaster.They announce that the very next day 50 Indie titles will come to the Playstation Store. As the crowd all get up to leave Sony state they were pulling their leg and the next game they are about to show is the real game coming out the next day.
Music flares and suddenly The Last Guardian appears on screen. the crowd drool in a pool of saliva and semen as the greatest "fairy dust game" ever heard of is shown to be one day form release. Sony drop the mic.

Hideo Kojima crawls onto the stage and picks up the mic. He looks at the crowd who are looking back at him with mournful eyes. "I'm sorry," he states. He stops before he says anything else. What is he sorry for? That is the question on everyone else's mind. Is it his fault Konami has been on a war path?
Metal Gear Solid V begins to play, same footage that was shown last year. Suddenly the image freezes and, without warning, a character running down the street is shown, as he runs towards a warehouse.
Creatures erupt on all sides of the street, getting closer and closer. The character reaches the warehouse and slams the door shut behind him as he sprints inside.
The camera fades to white and the music flares up as the title screams SILENT HILLS… Release date 2017.
"Sorry I fooled you all," Kojima states, smiling widely and walks off stage as everyone looks at him in abject shock and awe

Thank you Shade for telling me to publish this, never considered it before. 

- Make Tea. Eat Crumpets. Play Games.


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About TheLimoMakerone of us since 6:59 AM on 03.25.2015

Hello there. I'm insane. From England.
I love what you've done to your carpets.

The horror genre means a great deal to me (mainly as they give me excellent ideas on how best to dispose of my ex-girlfriend) and I have expressed my love for the genre in countless blogs which must be especially grating for the other members of Destructoid to read but, eh, f*** it.

I mainly game on the Playstation 4 and you are more than welcome to connect with me on there if you want but, if you're new here, interact with me a bit first because, believe me, I'm an acquired taste.
Well, acquired taste... Wanker.
Tomato, tomato.

As for some of my favourite games, they range from Silent Hill 2, Okami, Deadly Premonition, To the Moon, Undertale, Bloodborne, Bioshock... I will play anything as I find joy in the strangest of places.

Anyhow, if you actually read this (which nobody does anymore), don't ever feel afraid to start a conversation with me in the comments or on discord. I will give anyone the time of day.
So long as you aren't French of course.

Also decided to add my Games of the Year from years past, just because I can't really place my thoughts elsewhere:


2005 - Shadow of the Colossus

2006 - Okami

2007 - BioShock

2008 - Call of Duty: World at War

2009 - Batman Arkham Asylum

2010 - Nier

2011 - Portal 2

2012 - Spec-Ops: The Line

2013 - The Last of Us

2014 - Valiant Hearts

2015 - Undertale

2016 - Oxenfree

2017 - Persona 5