After my admittedly serious and whiney blog, I felt I owed Dtoid something more educational. Of course, nothing can be as educational as videogames, and here are the most noteworthy lessons we can learn from them
Lesson 1: Mario Kart: Being first is the only thing that counts, everything else sucks
If you ever played Mario Kart for an extended period of time, probably trying to get 3 Stars against the frustratingly rubber-banding computer, or even played a few round online, one thing is abundantly clear. If you are not first, someone is going to fuck you hard with a shell or something.
For all the myths and horror stories about Blue Shells, driving first means driving safely away from the crowd, a banana peel safely guarding your backside. With each installment, the threat of a Blue Shell attack is nullified. When driving first, you are basically under near complete command of your own destiny.
However, just being one place outside of 1st, and you are basically under the mercy of the MK gods. Not only do you need to chase down the number one driver, but you also need to protect yourself. Unleash that red shell, and it will probably cause no harm to the leading guy, but will leave wide open to the vindictive 3rd. Other than that, the middle crowd are basically in a gangbang of violence, banana peels being thrown about like used condoms, and every maniacal raging penis like bullet bill in existence.
And to add insult to injury, the Blue Shell that is supposed to be the terror of leading drivers, end up screwing the trailing ones as well. Talk about a stacked deck.
Mario Kart clearly states it: Be first, or don’t bother.
How it feels to be in second place
Lesson 2: Uncharted: It is perfectly ok to kill Museum Guards:
At this stage, it is perfectly documented that Nathan Drake is a murderous psychopath with no regard to human lives, history, or common decency. Not only does he go in endless murder sprees against poor mercenaries all the while looking for treasure, but he also risks all humanity by keeping out the evil plots of madmen from more capable hands. Meanwhile, he goes on endangering countless innocents in his reckless pursuit of glory, and ends up causing the destruction of priceless history worse than an ISIS commando looking for a blowjob from the great Caliph himself.
We can talk all about that, but we won’t because Mr. Drake did something much worse.
In Uncharted 2, psychopath Drake showed his first ever sign of empathy by being appalled at the idea of shooting unarmed Museum guards. As such, he was happy to use a tranquilizer gun. Yet, as proof of his sociopathic nature, at the first sign of even remotely needing a stealthier approach than simply pointing and shooting, Drake shows his dark side.
Ahmet is proud Musuem guard with a son and two daughters. He feels proud that his job helps protect the history of Turkey and human civilization, while also paying the bill for his terminally ill wife. Nathan Drake put an end to all that, when without the slightest provocation, he grabbed this man’s leg, and threw him off the top of the building into his impending doom. All the while, he cracked some corny jokes about his death as he fell down to the abyss.
Is that treasure I see there or are you just happy to see me....
Lesson 3: RPGs: Personal property doesn’t mean anything:
The first thing I don in every RPG I start playing is check my own closet for Items, then I proceed to check all other closets in the world for items as well. If not closets, then jars, chests, drawers, and every cavity there could be an item in. If there are plants I could rip apart, I would do so. If there were teddy bears I could rip to pieces, I would do so.
Generally, everything in an RPG’s universe belongs to the protagonist and the protagonist’s party. Even more, through classes such as “Thief” the players are encouraged to steel from their enemies; mostly harmless woodland creatures.
To be fair, some RPGs do not have any items to steel inside the multitude of houses. Yet, even in those games, the protagonist is free to roam into all houses uninvited, with no regard to such trivialities such as consent or decency. Whether it is the middle of the night, or in the final barrage of mad maniac, if a door is unlocked you can invade the privacy of a home unchecked.
In RPGs such as Skyrim, it goes beyond personal property and into the NPCs themselves. Just by offering a single easy to find item, the player could marry almost any citizen in the game. Regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race, age, and regardless of consent. Vargas didn’t want to marry a unicycle riding dark elf calling himself Mary, but he had no choice.
Look as I break down all your dreams and steal all your Rupees, and hey....listen
Lesson 4: Mass Effect: All relationship’s natural conclusion must be sex:
If you are male Shepard, all relationships with female characters end with sex as a conclusion. The same is for a female Shepard and male characters. In ME3, a homosexual option was added. Regardless of the route you choose, the end result is a PG sex scene that is more clumsy than erotic. Like a teenager trying to grind against her much taller companion.
Its not like any of the other characters just want to be friends. If you choose the “correct” responses, you will go to bed with them. Some would even risk their lives for what would equal a one night stand.
Of course, that is not as strange as the entire galaxy wanting to have sex with Shepard in ME3. Not only does Shepard save all of the universe by the end of the game (regardless of the color you choose), but also manages to solve 10000000 years worth of universal animosities and fuck ups in less than a year. Fucking hell everyone would like a piece of that God-like power.
Sure, the ending of ME3 sucked, but in the endings Bioware have for their characters, they will include some sucking as well.
All the character devolepment you need
Lesson 5: Harvest Moon: By gifting anyone an enough amount of eggs, they will be willing to marry you:
This is similar to the above lesson, but rather than try and guess the right choices, simply gift lots and lots of eggs. Sure, you might want to be a chicken farmer to manage to get the necessary amount, but the end game must require eggs of some sort.
As a Harvest Moon farmer, you don’t need a personality, or even simple dialogue. All you need are presents to give. Eggs make a delightfully natural gift, and with enough eggs, a person will be willing to marry you.
Taking this lesson to real life, realize that relationships are all about gift giving, and that without the money or mean to give around gifts, forget about having a relationship.
You know what, this is just a nice picture
Lesson 6: Final Fantasy: Appearances outweigh depth:
At this stage, we all should realize that the design philosophy of new Final Fantasy characters start with their hair, and ends. Lightning is a girl with pink hair, Cloud was retractably reduced to boy with spike Chocobo for a head. All the new characters in FF15 are boys with different hairdos. Hell, their only black character in a while had an Afro for Kefka’s sake.
From this, and from the graphical masturbation that is FF13, we realize that Squenix is more interested in crafting the exterior of both their game and characters than the interior. Thus, we have beautiful corridors, and sleek looking systems, that crumble at the first search for depth.
Like Lightning, we are invited by Squenix to judge the world purely by its look. As such, evil looking characters are evil, and guys with fucking birds for a head are cool. Realizing that the less vocalized characters of their past generations can have actual characteristics due to fan interpretations, Squenix diligently tried to reduce them to Chibi knockoffs or characters with hair through spin-offs and Kingdom Hearts.
The ultimate lesson being: Judge books purely by their cover, who has time to read anyway.
This picture has more personality thatn Lightning shows all three games
Lesson 7: Fighting Games: Girls fight better the less they wear:
We have been repeatedly hearing about harassment to women playing videogames in professional tournaments and such. From what I gathered, they deserve a lot of that harassment for not caring to wear fighting girl uniforms while competing.
We know from the various fighting game out there that a girl is as good a fighter as the skin she shows. It is no coincidence that most of the female fighters are scantily clad, and that with each sequel, they get more outrageous in their outfits.
It makes sense. Less restrictive clothing with the added benefit of cleavage, which is scientifically proven to cause both males and females to lose concentration. True, some might say that those outfits are too revealing, and that they are actually too tight to move about. To those guys I say: have you tried doing a reverse backflip tornado kick with your pants on. I don’t think so.
Dead or Alive takes this a step further. Not only are female fighters inversely strong to the amount of clothes they wear, but they also grow their upper body with each installment. In fact, is through such boob physics that the DoA fighters manage to be so effective. Through controlling those huge mammary glands, they can control their momentum at will, causing them to be extremely agile and formidable in combat.
Back to the real world, we see how female eSport players are ridiculed and we understand why. They are fighters competing in sport, and thus, they should take inspiration from the female fighter in videogames and simply prance about in bikini outfits while kicking ass in EVO.
If it all goes well, half the competition would look for a floating button prompt to hide their raging erections.
True story, my mother thought I was searching for porn while I was searching for this picture, pretty uncomfortable
Lesson 8: Open World Game: People will ignore all your past actions:
Just fresh out of a massive massacre that cost the death of hundreds of people and the destruction of countless cars. If you somehow managed to evade the police and the military long enough for the star countdown to drop, you can go on like nothing happens. Neither the plot nor the city acknowledges the carnage you unleashed just minutes before, as if the MiB came in a reset everyone’ memories.
Sometimes, this run completely counter to the plot. Take Read Dead Redemption for example. Regardless of your conduct, which might be much worse than the criminals you are trying to apprehend, the US government doesn’t think twice about the job they gave you. Hell, south of the border, you basically massacre both sides and yet neither feel the need to even put in a remark.
In a game, the world centers around you, and the game’s society as well as the plot itself ignore all you do inside that sandbox. And for you, the player holding the controller, why give a damn.
Open world games basically teach you that you hold the controller of your destiny, and you should not give a fuck about people at all. After all, they are all just NPCs.
Still more sane than Drake
Lesson 9: DLC: If you buy a hamburger, expect to pay more for the sauce:
With games such as ME basically chopping off important story bits and selling it day one, as well as other games that peddle “optional” content that used to be standard stuff, we should prepare for the hamburgers of the future.
Be prepared to pay the same price of the hamburger to get all the condiments that come with it. Except, you don’t exactly know what is included, nor when it’s coming. Keep holding into that hamburger, thankful that they even included the buns, as you wait for the lettuce to arrive. Then the onions, and finally the ketchup.
Wait, what’s that, more has been added to the burger outside of your first payment. Well, pay again, to get the mustard, the jalapenos, and the fucking pickles (who the hell like pickles anyway).
True, some sell their DLC as if it were the dessert, nice to have but completely optional. However, most publishers are thinking of more ways to cut the meat, so that you might end up having to pay for it as well.
So, order your hamburger, and as you wait for all the ingredients to arrive, watch a movie in the local DLC Theater. Expect to pay as you watch, because some of movie’s characters are paid DLC. Hopefully, you are not wearing some of those new DLC pants, in which case, you might have trouble fitting both your feet in the one side that is already done.
Of course, the ending of the movie will be sent to your home, unless you preordered the ticket three months ago. And if you need napkins, then tough luck, those were preorder bonuses as well.
Be thankful for the buns.
I could just repost Cammy's picture again here....Am I right...anyone....