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LONG BLOG

The Shit Box volume 7: It Is Okay Little Queer Boy

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Happy Monday to all you lovely folks, it's raining outside, so what a time to talk about some shit. In today's volume we'll be looking at Kaboom, a movie whose tone you can never quite place as taking itself seriously, or acting as a parody. Either way, it's astonishingly terrible, inconsistent, and stupid, which may or may not be the point. As mentioned last week, thanks go to TheKodu for bringing us this little slice of awful.

For the past couple days, I've been debating if I even should do a summary of this because of its nature as a parody, but no. It doesn't do its job as a parody well enough for me to care, so let's get into this thing. The movie opens immediately with dialogue without context or pause, and we're shown a recurring dream of the protagonist who, like most of the cast of From Justin to Kelly, is a jabroni without equal, but hey, at least he doesn't have a jewfro. The dream becomes incredibly pathetic when we learn that all the important people in this kid's life are his roommate, his singular friend, and his mother. What a loser. This dream is meant to be cryptic foreshadowing, but it just comes off as pretentious and stupid.

So our leading jabroni wakes up, horny as any 18 year old, and starts "sensually" sliding his hand over his stomach like some kind of weirdo to indicate he's about to masturbate, when his roommate comes in and puts a stop to that nonsense. The roommate strips naked, and the two start having a discussion about what it's like to kiss and fuck men, this is to establish that our jabroni is a little queer boy, but I legitimately thought TheKodu suggested a gay porn and didn't mention it. But then the next second, it turns out to be a dream again, as the roommate comes in and turns the film into a straight porn.

The roommate is introduced as Thor, a metrosexual jock little queer jabroni has a high school crush on, which somehow segues into introducing the lesbian best friend, which makes 2/3 of the cast at this point gay. Despite being frends with this lady for years, and roommates with Thor for presumably a few months, the two somehow have never met before, and Thor hits on what's-her-face. The movie uses a lot of odd language to emphasize that the characters are all mostly homosexual, like fag and dyke, and I just don't get it.

Ladyfriend invites jabroni out to a party so he can act as her winglady, and then immediately ditches him for a mysterious red herring we're shown in that stupid dream. Jabroni makes the mistake of taking eating any of the food being served at a rave, and starts tripping balls when the second mysterious stranger from his dreams walks up and pukes on his shoes. He goes to clean his shoes in the bathroom, and meets some party girl in a fez. Man, gotta wonder how Phil Fish got into acting when he can't even handle Twitter. The two have sex, little queer jabroni is now little bi jabroni, and nothing is well in the world. On his way home, jabroni witnesses a murder while tripping and passes out.

He tells ladyfriend about what happened, and she, logically and rightfully, assumes he was just tripping, but jabroni won't have any of it. No amount of drug cookies could make him trip someone being killed! But before he launches his investigation, we're caught up with ladyfriend's new lady friend, and given a lesbian sex scene that establishes the red herring girl is a witch. Whoopee. Back to the non-red herrings, jabroni discovers the name of his murdered lady and starts digging for more info. Astonishingly, a quick Google search yields nothing, despite him knowing her age, height, and location. Learn to Google Fu, jabroni just, just stop being a disappointment.

Fuckbud shows up and it turns out she conveniently had a class with murdered party chick, and that she's gone missing. To celebrate this, jabroni goes to a nude beach and fucks a guy he's known for five sentences like the little harlot he is. Jabroni comes home to Thor wrestling a man, and neither is wearing anything but their underpanties, and jabroni downloads something from an unknown sender in sorrow. Why? Why would you be that stupid, jabroni? Luckily it's not a virus, just some creepy gay boi's video letter asking jabroni out, but come on man. Use your fucking head.

Jabroni and fuckbud talk about Thor and his friend, and how jabroni already has yet another love interest in Thor's friend. Fuckbud decides to be a bro and begins the short process of turning the guy bisexual, presumably by exposing him to her awful haircut long enough. The movie becomes a sex ed film as fuckbud teaches Thorfriend how to give head, and there's a long stretch of nothing interesting happening. Fuckbud's birthday gift to jabroni is Thorfriend, all nice and properly bisexual, because nobody's allowed to be completely straight in this film.

Suddenly, jabroni finds the woman he though was murdered, passed out in the men's bathroom, almost OD'd. He discovers that the woman he thought was murdered was actually her twin sister, who was abducted as a child. So I guess that solves that problem. We catch up with ladyfriend's red herring love interest, turns out the bitch is crazy, so there's a short subplot of her trying to free herself of the relationship, and it's all very stupid, out of place, and poorly acted.

Jabroni gets an IM on his encrypted, DOS based computer, and discovers the secret website of a cult, where he discovers his dead father is the leader, and the girl he saw get murdered was an excommunicated member. Turns out fuckbud knew about the cult all along, and involved herself with jabroni to find out more. Turns out her father was a cultist too, so they have that in common. Some of the details of the cult are divulged, and the movie rapidly turns into a commentary about scientology, it's all very odd.

Jabroni gets a call from his mother to come home because the cult was after them, but he and fuckbud get there too late. They discover his mother's phone, which for whatever reason has an entire database of the cult on it. Jabroni and fuckbud are half-siblings, meaning the majority of his sex scenes were incestuous, and pretty much every male love interest in this movie except one turns out to be a scientologist, except the one who's part of an anti-scientology rebel figher group. The movie biefly becomes Star Wars as all the poorly thought out plot points are hastily explained, and then the movie abruptly ends with the nuclear destruction of the world.

There's a lot wrong with this film. It tries to be everything, action, suspense, supernatural, slasher, romance, parody. But after a point(around the five minute mark) it tries to reach too far, and falls apart. Rather than making a commentary about the state of young adult films and books, the movie just ends up as shallow and vapid as the shit it's trying to make fun of, without being charming or funny like it seems to think it is. The cast is unsympathetic and annoying, the acting is about on par with fish jerky, and there's no real substance to the parody. Still better than Sucker Punch.

So there you have it, that's this week's slice of shit. Hope you all enjoyed it and have a good Monday. Join me in next week's epic journey with Seventh Son, commissioned by Commander in Beard, Jed Whitaker.

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About Chistone of us since 3:28 PM on 10.26.2011

I'm your sexy local eyepatch wearing messiah. I watch garbage movies for internet points, and sometimes appear in community podcasts where bad movies/shows are watched.

I sometimes remember I have a Twitter and post horribly stupid shit in it.