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LONG BLOG

The Shit Box volume 6: Zambinating

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Happy Monday folks and welcome to your weekly dose of garbage and fecal matter. On today's plate is Zombie Nation brought to you by OpiumHerz, a baffling tale of murder, and that's pretty much it. I put this movie off way too long, and only watched it today. I usually give myself a buffer period so I can process things and give a good summary, but fuck it. I'm doin' it live. Koby!

The movie opens with a pair of cops riding along doing nothing in particular. For whatever reason, they weren't provided with any police vehicles, so they're stuck in their shitty civilian car from what I'd guess is the mid 90s. Our dashing duo is comprised of some generic rookie cop, and an older veteran cop who sounds a lot like Tommy Wiseau. The two pull over a woman for going 0.001 miles over the speed limit, and Tommy takes her to a warehouse, one of the central locations of the film, because it's their only set. The generic guy doesn't bother questioning why Tommy drags their speeder into the warehouse and disappears a few hours only to return alone with a large bag he didn't enter the building yet. During this whole time we're being subjected to a cut of some weird cult or something where a naked fat man is getting his booty slapped with a stick.

Our designated protagonist tells his wife about the experience, but neither of them is particularly suspicious at this point, which turns out to be bad news bears, because the next day it happens again. This time, our protagonist confides with not only his wife, but his two best friends, Boring Lady and Greaser Cop. Greaser Cop confronts their district's captain about it, which leads to four things. First, a hilarious figt scene in which neither fighter touches the other plays out in a garage. Second, a scapegoat is pulled in to cover for Tommy's murders. Third, our generic protagonist and his wife die for some reason. And finally, a voodoo ritual in which some hooker gets a snake and tarantula shoved up her vagina takes place. What.

So Greaser Cop takes over as protagonist and becomes Tommy Wiseau's new partner. On their first day together, Tommy places Voodoo Hooker under arrest for jaywalking, and we're taken through a boring driving sequence in which we learn half the cast is Romanian. Tommy Wiseau does the usual routine of taking her to the warehouse, but this time we actually get to see the process in full. It's mostly just Tommy looking into the nose, ears, and mouth of his victims, and then giving them a shot of some sort of liquid straight in the butt, after which he watches Christian Broadcasts. Tommy tries to have sex with the corpse, but is reminded of his mother and his erection nopes on away.

During this sequence, Greaser Cop has actually been doing things, and gets internal affairs involved, simultaneously displacing every crooked cop who knew about Tommy's actions and freeing the scapegoat. Not a lot of attention is given to our new protagonist's accomplishments, they're mostly just mentioned in passing and don't really mean much. The whole subplot about what Tommy's doing and why the cops are involved is never really touched upon, and becomes completely irrelevant once we get our first dose of zombies over 50 minutes into this 80 minute film

But as fate would have it, these aren't actually zombies, they're "intelligent" undead. They open up implying becoming undead warped their personalities into blood hungry psychopaths, but no. They can think and talk for themselves. Each of the girls rises and eats someone on their way to the voodoo witches and find out that oh no, they are of the undead, and the people from their former lives won't accept them. The girls contemplate a community of undead waiting to connect to them, a Zombie Nation if you will, which is what the title is derived from. The voodoo people tell the girls they have to get revenge, which sets off the ending sequence of the girls applying for jobs at the police warehouse and cannibalizing Tommy Wiseau. We then find out that, whoops! They didn't need human flesh at all, these girls are just disgsting.

I'm not really sure what to think of this movie. Sets bleed over into each other, there's no attempts to cover up that most of the movie is shot in a single warehouse, and plot points and characters are brought up and forgotten about within seconds of each other. It's not bad enough to love, and it's not good enough to hate. The titular zombies end up making the film more boring, and there's just not a lot that goes on. The movie isn't bad enough to love, or good enough to hate, it's stuck halfway between so bad it's good and so bad it's bad. Overall, 10 out of 10, would masturbate to again.

So there you go, that's my summary of a movie I have no strong feelings for. At least it's not Sucker Punch. Next week I'll be getting my mind blown by Kaboom, a young adult youth culture film apparently about "the sexual awakening of a group of college students." Fun times. This movie was commissioned by TheKodu. As always, have a good Monday and look forward to joining me next week. Or don't.

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About Chistone of us since 3:28 PM on 10.26.2011

I'm your sexy local eyepatch wearing messiah. I watch garbage movies for internet points, and sometimes appear in community podcasts where bad movies/shows are watched.

I sometimes remember I have a Twitter and post horribly stupid shit in it.