Another Monday, another shitty movie I watch for you people, welcome to the fourth entry of The Shit Box, everybody. On today's chopping block is From Justin to Kelly, brought to you by our very own Mike Martin. This movie is absolute insanity, and there's honestly no way to describe what it is I went through. This movie has everything, it's got romance, comedy, anger, jealousy, betrayal, a man almost fucking dies, you guys. From Justin to Kelly so utterly batshit that I can't actually do my usual summaries on it, so for the first, and hopefully only time, I present to you all my notes, the place I write down my immediate thoughts as the movie plays out. These include brief descriptions of events, jokes I might want to throw into the writeup, or just me being completely baffled by the movie. Now, without further adieu.
Found movie. 81 minutes, but the cover shows a guy with a jewfro. God damn it.
Oh, the movie is already starting. Nice and quick.
A band playing to an empty room.
Poor Luke, he's not even in the friend zone. This lady doesn't even want to touch him. But I guess a jabroni with a jewfro is just to her liking.
I'm having difficulty determining whether this establishment enforces uniforms, and whether or not she has her initials bedazzled onto whatever this shirt is that she's wearing.
It's the fucking vacation song. Of course.
Now we get the obligatory city/landscape scroll you have to find in basically every bad movie.
This is a LONG opening credits sequence that shows a lot of random beach goers who look better than literally any actor in this film.
I'm pretty sure they played the entire song.
I immediately want to inflict harm upon the Jabroni Three, who I've dubbed Mount Jewfro, Open Shirt, and Hat Chump.
Open Shirt is a douchebag. I think he might be the original Jersey Shore guido. He certainly has the spray on tan for the job.
Hat Chump believes in anonymous online chatroom dating, and has a grandma fetish.
Mount Jewfro's only defining characteristic is his jewfro.
Generic spring breakers from various fraternities are you with me!
This beach party is just awful.
THIS IS A MUSICAL?!
I just. How will I even go about describing this?
So the Jabroni Three meet back up after... That, and suddenly Open Shirt is asserting dominance by flashing his anus at women. In public.
"The kings of objectifying women" Lady, I don't think you watched what I did, you were almost literally undressing men and rubbing up against them on that beach.
And now the ladies are discussing how they clench their buttocks during the excretion of waste.
Hat Chump. Hat Chump please. Stop. Stop pretending you think a rotary dial is a computer. You're above this. Okay, no you aren't, you're a complete jabroni. But please.
Why are these women so rabid for tickets to a bikini contest?
WHAT THE FUCK AM I WATCHING?!
I can't tell if Carlos is a player like our "heroes" or not, but he's certainly smooth.
Kelly needs to get some new friends if one is into gay guys named Carlos, and the other is a backstabbing bitch who I guess is the movie's villain.
Wow, these cellphones. I miss them.
Carlos, you betrayed me. How could you be heterosexual?
Evil von Bitch Friend, you're stone cold. If you weren't blonde, I'd probably bother remembering your name.
Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but I run boring beach parties, so call me maybe.
So they're on a boat, singing about how they love each other, literally a day after they met.
Carlos, you betrayed me again! She stood up for you against an abusive boss breaking almost every labor law the US has, she wasn't thinking about herself when she told him he overworks you.
Evil McBitchCunt rushes her way into the party and gets literally every drink poured on her "on accident." I like these servers.
Evil McRustyKuntz gets a Brittney Spears solo after extending the plot even further. Great.
Hat Chump makes a friend.
Kelly gets stood up by Mount Jewfro because of Bitchney Spearsyouintheback, and suddenly we're at a party.
When will Mount Jewfro learn that he's been texting the wrong number?
Luke shows up at the call of That Cunt and macks up on Kelly, and suddenly airboat duels.
Okay Carlos, you made up for the second betrayal. Now all you need to do is get gay.
Game Over. This movie predicted the GamerGate episode of Law and Order.
The Whore gets Jewfro and Kelly back together for the first time. I guess.
What is going on here?
The actress playing Hat Chump's internet girlfriend has changed in every appearance. That is impressive.
No, that is NOT the way I like it, movie.
So yeah, there's my shitty notes for a shitty movie. I don't want to make this a habit, so don't get used to it. Overall, From Justin to Kelly is a pretty insane movie, and the only way to really understand how crazy and stupid it is is to actually watch it yourself. It feels wrong suggesting one of these for viewing, but here you go. Watch this, hate yourself for it because none of the characters are sympathetic or even remotely enjoyable, be shocked by how weird and crazy it can be.
I hope you all somehow enjoy this entry, to make up for what I'm choosing to perceive as a lack of content despite the word count, I'll be doing my first bonus entry on Thursday, so look forward to that. Or don't. Join me next Monday as I get the saniy beaten out of me with Suckerpunch, commissioned by local hero Occams, and have a good Monday everybody.