How the fuck is someone like me supposed to sit down and pick just nine of you to feature in a list like this? All the friendships I've made, those I've tried to help, those that have helped me.... man. As a longtime member I have to say it is not easy and I do not intend to cheat. Much like Strider I want my list to have integrity, unlike Strider however, I don’t know what integrity means. So before I single out nine of you, I would like to add some honorable mentions (in no particular order). Don't worry honorables, I'd fuck the shit out of all you as well. Except for Elsa. I always feel bad saying dirty things around Elsa.
My Top 9 Dtoiders:
7): M Randy Dixon
My first impression of this guy was one of wonder. Here was someone who liked talking about boners as much as I did. You don’t find such kismet often. In the years since we crossed paths, I have harassed the fuck out of Andy in a variety of terrible ways. If it wasn’t about him not doing his job enough, it was about fucking his wife or mother. Andy has always kept his cool with me though and despite being an ass, I have always respected the fuck out of him. It’s not easy doing what he does here, working a full time job, being a husband and most importantly: being a Dad. Yet, Andy balances all these things and does an exemplary job of it. The thing that secured him on this list though (and a place in my heart) was a simple text message. I will never forget that when I was ready to do something incredibly stupid, this fucking guy shoots me a text out of the blue and completely disarms me in the following conversation. Thing is, you ask around and many others have similar stories about Andy just popping up into their lives. This guy loves us and I am honored to call him a friend.
6): The Last Fucking Time I’ll Type Out a Long Fucking Name for You Lion
Lion is so sweet and genuine it will make you fucking sick. You’ll think he’s a fraud, or he’s just trolling you with it. He’s not. I have never known anyone like you man. You are a light in this world of shit and I wish more people like you existed. You remind me why I used to be nice and why I should strive to find that part of me again. The things you have done for my family have made you a part of said family. My door will always be open to you and I look forward to the day we meet. I am so happy you can breathe regularly now as well. You deserve nothing but the best my friend. Now, shut the fuck up Lion.
5): Mein Fuhrer OpiumHerz
It’s not often you get a package from a German that’s not covered in shit and cum. It’s even less common for a German to reach out to you, without trying to take over your country first. Yet since he’s exploded onto Dtoid, that’s exactly what Opium has done. Brash, blunt and beautiful, Opium is an amazing guy and I really wish our timezones/schedules were more in line. If I ever make it over there, or you come to New York, we will have that beer.
Saying Tubbs takes trolling to the next level is a disservice to his artform. Able to rustle anyone’s jimmies in a single bound, an amazing father, a true friend, a purveyor of the finest midget porn (bless you) and one incredibly funny guy are just some of the accomplishments this guy has made. Even more amazing is that he has been able to achieve these things while having no neck. Tubbs has helped me over the years in many ways, whether it be monetarily, spiritually, giving me a chance to write my silly words for others and rescuing my broken podcast, Tubbs has always been there. I wish I had been half as good a friend back to him, but he understands that I’m half Mexican. Next time I’m in Texas, I’ll look you up Tubbs and buy you a beer, that you so deserve. I might even finally pay you back.
I don’t even know where to begin with this guy. He knows why I love him and why he is on this list. An crazy talented artist, great friend and incredibly smart young man. I am so proud of the person you’ve become over the years. You are going to do great things in this world man. Thank you for always believing in me, even when I didn’t. *hugs*
2): Kyousuke Nanbu
My second internet wife and a truly special person to me. Blunt, rude, smart and pretty as hell. Kyo has it all going on. What she has going on the most though, is that she is one of the best friends I’ve ever had (internet only be damned). Always there with an open ear and a picture of a cute kitty when you need one. Always understanding when I disappear for long periods of time and never judgemental of the stupid shit I say. She will kick your ass in any game, rub your face in it and you’ll love it. She will also drop truth on you in a heartbeat and not blink an eye. Some people can’t stand how rough she is in comments and some find her incredibly rude. Her incredible love of animals only makes the few rough edges more precious as a friend to me though. It’s rare to find someone so honest, blunt, unafraid to speak and refreshing these days. Thank you for always being there Kyo and thank you for being you.
When I first saw that username I laughed out loud. So perfect. Since then we went on to become close buddies, then close as family and more recently to painfully drift apart. How much I love this guy can’t even be put into words and I have a feeling he feels the same. I am beyond proud to call you my little brother from another mother, am honored to call you my friend and am overjoyed we are talking again. Brown and I share a brotherhood in this world that was forged from pain, mistakes and being cunts who wouldn’t stop fighting against the shit trying to bring us down. It’s no secret that I have lost my way in recent times, but Brown’s words reminded me why I used to fight this shit. He reminds me not only of who I am inside, but what I stand for and why I need to continue fighting. Below his gruff, shit talking exterior is one of the most genuine, sweet people I’ve met this side of Kyo and Lion. You awkward, shit talking cunt I love you. You are the first person I’m coming to meet once my kids are grown and we gonna ride on some mothafuckers.
There you have it. My top 9, those I wish I could add and a huge list of all those I respect/love/miss/thank/bonerfloss. I hope it was an entertaining read at least. I look forward to reading more of these circle jerks as the month goes on. Huge thanks to everyone that has/had me on their list. Until the past couple weeks, I never realized how much my words and actions meant or effected some of you. I'm beyond happy if I ever helped you or made you smile. That's all I want to do at the end of the day. It's the beginning of the day that you have to worry about me sexually defiling you.