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LONG BLOG

The Shit Box volume 2: Never Belieb Never

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Welp, it's 1:30 in the morning as I write this and 2:20 as I wrap this up, I ain't going to sleep any time soon, and it's Monday. Welcome to volume 2 of the Shit Box you beautiful fuckers. On today's menu we've got a heaping pile of the Biebs, both young and out of date. For those unaware, there are two, count 'em two documentaries about Justin Bieber, Never Say Never, supposedly the 10 days before he sold out Madison Square Garden, and Believe, following his tour of the same name. This commission was put in by that sexy beast Cannibal Steven, so give him a round of applause as I vomit into the trashcan from all this pain he put me through.

So to start out, neither of these movies actually really tell you anything about the concerts they're supposed to be following. Never Say Never opens with a shot of that saucy 2006 era YouTube, and makes me yearn for the good old days before we got this "OneChannel" Google's been shoving down our throats. There are a bunch of old viral videos shown, some email reenactments, and eventually we see the baby Biebs from 2 minutes ago himself, the videos his talent was discovered from, and it fucking taunts you the entire time whenever they show the old YouTube videos his mother did, because you know all that talent he had has gone to waste.

Never Say Never was revealing of how fucked up Bieber's situation is, because he was just your ordinary kid, and then he got scouted and ripped from his home and friends, and it's pretty obvious that's stunted his maturing as an adult. But the serious talk isn't why you're here, or why I'm making The Shit Box, we all want the pure and seething anger in my summaries, so let's move on.

There's virtually nothing in the way of editing for Never Say Never, it's disjointed kid videos mixed in with fangirl videos, and it is super fucking creepy whenever they show high schoolers and adults getting moist over this 14 year old. Women and girls literally screaming over him. He even has them trained to speak and shut up on command like dogs, it's crazy. Oh, and the lies. Oh good god, the lies that are spewed. For the uninitiated, Bieber is managed by this chump named Scooter, and a Jean-Ralphio cosplayer, and they love to tell you that Bieber's the underdog and that they really enjoy his company, but it's clear that he's just some snot nosed brat they put up with because he makes money. You shut your face, Scooter, he was never the underdog.

Anywhoozle, the movie goes on, Bieber almost becomes permanently deaf, but trgedy averted just in time for the concert! It's all very mind numbing, and I could feel my brain dying. Speaking of which, let's move on to Believe, one of the worst documentaries I've ever seen.

This time around, there's actually some amount of editing, but holy shit guys, Bieber has his own film studio. I could have lived happily not knowing that, but now we all do, and it's horrible. Believe, as stated earlier, follows his Believe Tour, which he started after he went drag racing, drug doing, alcohol drinking, and bucket pissing. It's to "make people believe in me again" as he puts it. Oh, and he gets these cheap ass "angel wings" styled after instruments, it's incredibly narcissistic.

There's a legitimately interesting point in the documentary where it shows Bieber's backup dancers and the dance auditions. I'm a sucker for So You Think You Can Dance, so this was a point I actually wasn't zoned out. Oh yeah, and before I forget, Bieber and Scooter literally bullied a guy into directing this stupid concert. They played it off like this funny thing, but it just sounded mean and horrible.

Sprinkled throughout Believe is a bunch of boring stuff unrelated to the concert, from zealous fanboys, to zealous fangirls, to a music video Bieber shot, and Bieber contemplating the meaning of mustaches, and no that last one is not made up, sadly. Usher actually speaks in this one, dropping the greatest words of wisdom man will ever be graced with, "The music keeps playing until it stops." What a poet. Bieber is all about Usher's mad metaphors, but I'm not sure Bieber or Usher knows what a metaphor even is.

There's an incredibly disturbing point where it shows Bieber going to a concert and the fans swarming him like zombies and beating up the car he's in, opening his door. Creepy shit, bros. People keep making zombie games, they should make fangirl games instead, those things are much scarier, you can reason with a zombie.

The movie only really goes to show how little Bieber has grown, and how much of his talent has just faded from years of autotune. Overall, I'd say these just go to show that Bieber needs to pull his pants up and go back to having lesbian hair.

Hope you all enjoyed this volume of The Shit Box, join me next week as I bite off more than I can chew with Food Fight, quite possibly the single worst animated film of all time, commissioned by that goofy brute, GoofierBrute. Have a good Monday everybody.

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About Chistone of us since 3:28 PM on 10.26.2011

I'm your sexy local eyepatch wearing messiah. I watch garbage movies for internet points, and sometimes appear in community podcasts where bad movies/shows are watched.

I sometimes remember I have a Twitter and post horribly stupid shit in it.