I’ve had to do some hard stuff in my life. Preparing for and running a marathon (never doing that again, fucking legs hurt like shit). Pulling 6 all-nighters in a row with about 5 hours of sleep in total before handing in my last batch of essays (got two firsts and a 2:1, for anyone interested!). I’m working on a 7000 word dissertation right now and gathering a shit ton of data, which I’ll then crunch through SPSS and blah blah it’s hard.
But writing this list of 9 Dtoiders who I hold dear and can truly call one of my friends was…monumental. There are so many cool people on this site, for some many reasons, that narrowing down 9 was pretty tough. Hell, I’d have trouble narrowing down a Top 20! So I’m saying ‘nah man, I’m gonna go my own way’ and I’ll make a top 9 goddammit! But everyone I care about is getting a little something, as a ‘not quite top 9 but defo top 50 or something’. Yes I’m ripping of Shade, #dealwithit.
To lay some ground rules, I’m not including any FP writers on this list, as my list would pretty much just be those writers then. Without them, Destructoid wouldn’t really exist now would it? I will say though that Jordan, Steven, Robert, Brittany, Darren, Chris, Brett Makedoskjdjfrjnski the Third, all the others (you know who you are), you guys write a lot of cool stuff and I’m grateful for the chance to read it. Do keep on writing off-beat weird shit, thoughtful opinion pieces and funny news stories!
Now enough with sappy intro’s, let’s get to the big, sloppy, lube covered meat of this dumb blog!
TRIGGER WARNING: EXCESSIVE EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS IN THIS BLOG, DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE EMUTONS, DAVID CAGE WOULD BE SO PROUD BUT NEED MOAR PIXELS AND NUDITY DOE!
So much has been said about this bundle of joy. Like how he is the nicest person on this site. Like how he’s always there to welcome new people with a welcome smile, a decoder ring and a quickie behind the bins at Taco Bell. Like how he has an ear for any problem you have (something I’ve been tempted to oblige on occasion) or his reasoned, calm and respectful way of talking that makes you all warm and cosy inside, like someone turned the dial on your oven to maximum, the oven being your heart and the dial being your penis.
What I like most about this guy? He has impeccable taste in art and movies (Taxi Driver man!), a morbid sense of humour which is right up my alley and a damn sexy beard. You’re my favourite Occams and, no insult to anyone else, but it wasn’t even close to choose you for number 1. I think everyone can understand.
My sexy Australian friend, how could I possibly make a Top 9 list without you in it?! Ever since you’ve been an active contributor me and you have been making sexy talk, chatting about anime, debating the merits of Gamersgate, fapping about our love of Ratchet and Clank, chatting about more anime, derailing comment treads (usually with anime gifs) and…more anime.
You introduced me to Monogatari, which I seriously am forever grateful for. Days where I’ve been bored and tired out of my mind, you’ve been there to make it brighter with dumb talk and dick jokes so I can go to bed with a smile on my face and a boner in my pants.
Thanks man. You’re a real friend, truly. I hope we can do this for a long, long time. Only naked.
3) Mike Martin (but you’ll always be Phil the Sex Fiend to me, you creep)
God Mike, you are a legend. I find it amazing you have enough time to look after your family, work, play games and STILL do all the community stuff you do. It makes me look at my life and how ‘busy’ I am and think ‘Shit, I gotta step my game up and stop being such a lazy shit’.
Also you’ve been through so much shit. I never realised until a few months ago and my heart broke when I heard. I think out of everyone on my list, you command the most respect from me. It takes considerable strength of character and willpower to keep on smiling after all that.
If I can be half the man you are, I’ll be a pretty good man. And have one massive cock. A big, veiny, meat rod of a cock, covered in the salty tears of many forceful entries. (Drools)
4) PStoid Crew (Yes I’m cheating, shut up)
The PStoid crew consists of Nanashi, Trev, Kim, Djnealb, Cornflake and Scield and I just adore each and every one of them. I’ve been stalking Ninny-nans for ages now, popping up in all his blogs and listening to PStoid since day 1 so I hope I can call him my friend. Trev is my funny valentine and his berating of Bananners is always the highlight of the podcast. Plus he has some cool cooking facts, likes Soul Sacrifice and I imagine he’s unfathomably hawt. I hope. Kim is just a lovely person, in a ‘I hate everything and everyone, what’s this a puppy, fuck it, little shit) kinda way. Whenever she goes off on a rant about something, I strap in and prepare for a storm. It’s always hilarious though, always.
Djnealb, Cornflake and Scield are also just really cool guys who keep the podcast grounded and pull it back from whatever crazy tangent it goes off on, which happens frequently and with many funny and sexy results. Point being, I absolutely love this podcast and the people on it and it has quickly become a habit of mine to listen to them. May you guys continue to make me chuckle for a looooong time.
My brotha from another motha. The Ying to my Yang. The maple on my syrup. The condom to my penis. It was fairly recently that you started commenting on the front-page, like a few months maybe (or that I started noticing anyway) but you rose to become one of the coolest guys on the FP so quickly I still have whiplash. Seeing your stamp of approval is always nice and uplifting (though you’re giving them to everyone recently, you dirty slut) and just having some banter with you is a great way to pass the time. In a FP bogged down with stupidity, an over-abundance of old memes and bad trolling, you shine as a beacon of fun, charisma and…spunk.
Truly, you are what I am fighting for! I’m not fighting anything. That was a joke. Bet he’s never heard that one before. Hah!
6) Fenriff (Best image I could come up with, sorry dude!)
Ah Fenriff, what a guy. He’s wrote a blog a week since the beginning of time and, while I couldn’t read every single one, the ones I did read were well-written and interesting. It takes skill and passion to write that much for no money and also to write to that high a calibre. So the fact no-one has snatched him up yet is one of nature’s mysteries. Get on that Niero or whoever, allow Fenriff to join Bbain and Wrench as a FP writer!
Fenriff is also a really nice dude as well. I still regret not having that match in PSASBR with him. Maybe one day we’ll play together. Hopefully with lots of natural oils and plastic instruments. We might even play a game too!
As some background, I live with my mother and have 3 sisters, whom I adore, even if they are the most annoying people in the world. I’ve never had a brother before and have always dreamed (HAHAHAHAHA. Puns) of having a little bro. After getting to know the colourful and oh so weird Dreamweaver, I think I know what having a little brother must feel like. I wanna be there for Dream, to help with any problem if he’s willing to tell me about it. To lift him up when he’s low, share in his highs and just hang out sometime. It’s nice. Real nice. Wonderful even.
You are too hard on yourself man. And you worry too much. Just relax. I and everyone on this site like you and respect/adore/wanna fuck you. As a really funny movie once said ‘Always look on the bright side of life, do do, do do do do do do.
Also you got a friend in me.
I love History. I love well-written and funny blogs. I also had a crush on my History teacher but she was shit at teaching so when I got a B on my exam my infatuation quickly evaporated. RedHeadPeak fulfils all three criteria (though he’s not my history teacher but he probably is sexy and he’d get me an A on my test for sure). His Skyrim and History blog series is one of my favourite series on Dtoid ever, even if it did make me squirm a few times. Trepanning is nasty yo.
Another guy who needs to be hired as a writer! Or something. At least offer him a coupon for a free blowjob from Andy or something! You could even dress Andy up as a 17th century harlot! That’d be hawt.
Next to Occams, I cannot think of anyone as thoughtful and intelligent on Dtoid. In a world of derp and dumbness, Elsa shines like a sun. Of light. And fire. And stuff. I’ll admit, I read a c-blog in the hope that Elsa has written something interesting in the comments. That’s how resplendent and awesome our resident old age pensioner is.
I hope that when I’m older and greyer, I can still be as hip as Elsa. That I can talk to the kids about the latest games on their PS13’s, play online and hold my own against them youngsters and their fast reflexes and radical hairstyles and such. Turning into an old fart who complains about change sounds so dull. Don’t do that. Follow Elsa’s example.
This is where I rip of ShadeofSexiness big time. 9 is such a small number for a community filled with so many stars and cocks. So here are the people who I also adore and would snog in a movie theatre while some chick flick plays in the background. There's a lot of text here folks, I recommend ctrl+Fing this shit.
Andy (Dick) Dixon
His Royal Penis, no list is complete without his pink bathrobe and feel good attitude. What a guy. And what a cock.
The resident amiibo addict and Nintendo fan, William may be cold but he’s a cool (OH I’M ON A ROLL BRUV, PUNS 4 DAYS) guy who has a lot of truth in his ramblings. Also his daughter is OP, needs nerfing ASAP.
A rising star in the community (to me anyway), I’ve started to talk with you quite a bit recently and you’ve started blogging much more, which I’ve enjoyed. 12/10, hawt eyepatch, would molest again.
Oh Jawsh. What a delight. Gardevoir was a turning point in my life and has changed me for the better. Though Chie bro? Naoto is where it’s at man. But still, we must continue to discuss our waifu choices forever.
My fellow Playstation fan, we have some laughs together, though I’ve not seen you in a while. We gotta chat some more man!
Pretty much the only person on my PSN friends list who I talk to consistently. Great guy with a lot of enthusiasm. I always enjoy our banter.
My first harem babe, we may clash a lot on Playstation vs Nintendo but I still love and respect you a lot.
Goof is just always there, with a friendly upvote or a useful comment. He’s like the mash to my sausage and beans, he completes my meal. And he’s delicious.
Roberto Plankton and ZombieOrwell
Look up weird in the dictionary, rip out the page, burn it at midnight while chanting The Divine Comedy backwards and you’ll see an apparition of Roberto Plankton and ZombieOrwell. They will then proceed to…touch you inappropriately. Also swell guys. I always get them mixed up. No idea why.
Wrenchfarm (Or Nic Rowen, whoever the fuck that is)
I’ll admit, I barely knew Wrenchfarm before he became a FP writer. But man, what a great FP writer! His Shadow of Mordor article was a real cool read and his mechwarrior addiction is hilarious. Deserves his FP promotion, I just wish I knew him for longer!
Bbain (Or Ben Davies, also whoever the fuck that is)
I knew of Bbain since day 1. Just a really lovely guy with a lovely outlook. But now he’s on the FP and started his Experience Points series? I’m in love. (Don’t hurt me Scarritt, it’s a joke!)
Is this guy my favourite Canadian? Probably. I use lovely a lot but this guy is just lovely. Look up lovely in the diction-what I already used that line?
…Fuck. Still, love you lots TSG. Keep on trucking.
This guy is filled with so much love that I’m surprised he hasn’t exploded from it. Kinda like that gif with the exploding head from that movie. But with rainbows and unicorns instead of gore.
I’ve not seen many people put as much effort into their blogs as much as this guy. Custom headers, custom gifs, cool formatting. Step your game up guys, el Dango represent.
My favourite transsexual lesbian Castlevania and Metroid fan with superpowers who is currently under the thrall of our supreme Mistress Princess Zelda. ‘Nuff said.
This neo-nazi scum is so cynical and blunt that I cannot help but like the fuck outta him. Scary avatar though. 2scary.
You’re lucky you’re on my list. 17th place psssssssshhhhhhhhh. Just joking dude, you’re a swell guy and a big personality on Dtoid. I’d fuck you anytime.
My secret santa! I still can’t get Tron 2.0 to work man. But it’s the thought that counts and I’ll look at Tron in my Steam folder and get a nice warm boner thinking of you. Forever.
You are such a nerd Pony. And I love you for it. If you hadn’t wrote that terrible joke, maybe you’d be Top 9… ;)
You’re a lovely (there I go again with that damn word) person Hosse. Also you frequent deviantart a little too much. So much sexy Link art, so little time.
My other sexy Australian friend. You know a comment section is gonna be lewd when Zxy and Nekrosys are there. Good times man.
The artist formerly known as M.Bison, Hoff is like marmite. I hate marmite but I like Hoff. Really like your ‘Just Hoffman’ persona bro, keep that up. Also tone down the Playstation fanboyism a bit, you’re better than that.
DesertDragon and Batthink
These guys are British so are straightaway superior. But Desert like Madoka Magica and Batthink likes Evangelion! That’s special right there. We gotta meet up for drinks and anime some time guys, no joke!
Cosmo is another fairly new guy and also one of my favourites. Kind, funny, thoughtful. You can join my harem anytime dude. Just ask Nekrosys for a membership form and provide a semen sample. Clarty of .9 or better only.
Easily the funniest guy on the FP. Very punny my friend, very punny. May you make me laugh and groan for many more moons.
Shinta writes about Anita Sarkessian so I don’t have to waste my time doing so. He also has great taste in music and games. Though not liking Danganrompa? For shame. :P
If I ever went gay, it would probably be because of Dante here. Or as I lovingly call him ‘DanteKinkyAids’. Don’t let haters get you down, I got you man.
You take the award for weirdest newcomer to the site. But goddammit man, you’re so nice!
Another guy who’s posting a lot more recently and expanding into blogs. I’m loving getting to know you man, keep it up. And get naked. Now.
FMJ, besides having an amazing username, introduced me to Evangelion. For that, you are my hero. That more than makes up for your frenchness. Well…mostly.
We almost played Mario Kart together. I wish we did. L All my fault. I will make it up to you my fair lady. Do with me what you will.
Retrofaction and Long John
You both are cool guys yo. I put you together because of that podcast you made and it was fabulous. Retro, you keep being awesome! Long John, make more podcasts! And keep on being awesome! Tommy Wiseau!
We bonded over out hatred of Nintendo fanboys and that is the glue that holds up together. Also Ninezero takes no shit from no-one and unashamedly loves his AAA games. Even Battlefield 4. You have my sword.
Dat beard. Dat. Beard. Also a big part of Dtoid’s c-blogs as a recapper, blogger, podcaster, wrestler. Maybe not the last one. But a real cool guy who is perhaps underrated considering how much he does.
Robo Panda Z
Sick username? Check. Love of anime? Check. Great sense of humour? Check. Generally lovely person? Check. Do I have a boner? Double check.
Matt Damon. Matt Damon. Matt Damon. Matt Damon. Matt Damon. Matt Damon. Matt Damon.
This dude is surprisingly kinky yo. Like, almost Nekrosys and Dreamweaver levels. I like it. Another babe who’s welcome in my harem anytime.
The Laughing Owl
You get a lot of shit dude. Some may be warranted. Most is from people who need to stop being fucking babies. Keep on doing what you’re doing.
Another Brit! And a damn cool one as well! With his ‘You can’t say that’ series, his ‘Blogronomicon’ and general musings, this dude is just nice to follow and read. <3
I still don’t know if you’re a girl or boy. And I still don’t care, you’re funny and sweet and that’s all that matters. I’d still really like to know though. You know, for science and shit. Not because I’m a creepy stalker or anything, naturally.
A real quality blogger right here, his words are like liquid gold. Or the highest purity cum, either or really. I said I’d like to talk to you more and I still do. Let’s touch butts!
Pure kindness. I’ve not heard you say a mean thing…ever. Also your forum pic is great! Love it!
And last but not least, everyone who’s name is not here.
Look, this took a ridiculous amount of time to write and I started repeating myself a fair bit. Needless to say, if I didn’t mention you here that doesn’t mean I don’t care. It means my hands hurt but my love boner for you burns bright. Just to name some people: Perro, Cosmic Centipede, S_Deadalus, Barry, Everyday Legend (RIP/jk). You all make Dtoid what it is and I like each and every one of you.
Well that really is all folks. Clean off your monitors, I imagine they’re covered in strange liquids. I know mine is.
Goddammit I love you all so, so much. Till next time. May we enjoy another year full of fun, banter and cocks.