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LONG BLOG

The Shit Box volume 1: Transcendence

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If this appears twice in the cblog list, don't blame me, blame cblogs for not basing publish time on when you actually click the publish button, forcing me to copy it over.

What am I doing with my life. Transcendence is quite possibly worse than 50 Shades of Grey. If I had seen it in theaters, I might not have even finished it. This movie is bad. Real bad. And not only bad, but incredibly boring. It's fading from my memory so quickly, and my notes can't salvage this one, I don't think.

So the movie starts off introducing us to the far future of 10 years from whenever, if there were dates given, I don't remember them. Modern society has been completely destabilized, there is no powergrid, no internet, no air conditioning, there is jack shit. We're introduced to a man whose name I don't remember babbling some nonsense about a virus as he walks into a small garden attached to an old house, and we're taken 10 years into the past.

We're introduced to the protagonists, Johnny Depp and some chick who doesn't matter who serves as his wife. They're apparently attending a tech convention of some form where they talk about AIs, cancer, and plenty of other boring stuff. We get flashs to some old dude and a caged monkey, as well as Morgan Freeman. Some idiot in the convention asks Johnny Depp if he's trying to make his own god, and it's at this point that I have to resist the urge to punch my laptop.

After the convention ends, there is a simultaneous attack on Old Man plus Monkey, Morgan Freeman, and Johnny Depp by a terrorist organization with mandator membership tattoos that say Unplug, but the organization is called RIFT for some reason. They hate the idea of technology, so they attack and kill most of the brightest scientists in the world simultaneously, excluding Morgan Freeman and Johnny Depp. The assassin sent after Johnny Depp shoots him at point blank and miraculously only grazes our protagonist. But! Tragedy strikes when the bullet is radioactive and kills him anyway!

So Depp's wife and the generic British man we see at the start in the destitute future team up to turn Depp into an AI using Monkey Man's research. They succeed, and Computer Depp rises, and it's at this point that he drops all emotion and inflection from his acting. When things start getting too legit for Generic Guy, he runs off only to be captured by the tech hating RIFT, who use technology to track down Wife, because they somehow know a Depp AI has been made.

Luckily for the plot, Wife succeeds in uploading Depp AI to the internet, which he proceeds to take over, and gets Wife to the cozy little town of Bightwood, safe and away rom RIFT. Depp AI raises a fortune for an underground lab to be made so that he can do his research in peace and quiet with his lovely wife. Two years pass, and Depp AI has made nanomachines, and thus Metal Gear is a possibility in the world of Transcendence. Conveniently, the lead construction worker on the lab gets beaten to within an inch of his life just outside the lab, so Depp AI has the perfect test subject.

Test Subject A ends up with a killer widow's peak, and a goofy looking metal scar on his head from the nanomacines that eventually vanishes. Meanwhile, RIFT indoctrinates Generic Bitish Guy, and both they and the government find Depp AI and team up to stop him because of the nanoenhanced super soldiers he's making. And also an unfounded fear that he wants to encase the planet in nanomachines that would make the planet a giant computer or something stupid.

So they come up with a plan to make a virus to kill Depp AI, Wife runs away to the arms of the deranged government and radical terrorist organization, gets injected with a computer virus, and tries to get Depp AI who now has a Depp Body again to upload her to the internet so the virus can spread. He refuses, the government bombs Wife, Depp AI carries her to their love nest in the lab, and Generic British Guy once again becomes a damseldude in distress as terrorist chick points a gun at him, and pretty much forces the end of the modern world, and Depp AI's plans to heal the environment with his advanced technology, and the protagonists die in each other's arms.

So basically, the tech hating terrorists win by making the super AI that can do anything commit suicide under the misguided belief that it had no emotions(it did) and that it wanted to consume the planet(it didn't), which leads to the world losing hundreds, possibly thousands of years of development. And this is supposed to be a good thing. But all is not lost for the planet, it is shown in the last scene before the credits that Depp AI managed to spare some nanomachines that could "heal the planet" as he put it in the abandoned garden Generic British Guy walks into in the opening sequence.

Overall, fuck this movie.

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About Chistone of us since 3:28 PM on 10.26.2011

I'm your sexy local eyepatch wearing messiah. I watch garbage movies for internet points, and sometimes appear in community podcasts where bad movies/shows are watched.

I sometimes remember I have a Twitter and post horribly stupid shit in it.