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LONG BLOG

This is how Destructoid will fall. (sexy pics included)

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Dearest filthy perverts, please sit down in a chair. Prepare your cerebellums for maximum Orwellian exposure and tactical informations.

We here at Dtoid have lost many comrades. A lesser writer would say we've lost many zomrades, but I am not a lesser writer. I am a greater writer. I am a greater writer than Hitchens, I am a greater writer than that thieving bastard Hemingway, and I'm even a greater writer than EL James.

None of that matters. We've lost people. Remember when I published that review of Zombies Ate My Neighbors? I do. It was lovely and very prescient.

Since that lovely day in 2011 or whenever, we've lost about 45 gajillion people. All of this is has proven me right. You see, I wrote a Temporary Fiction book about Destructoid. It's Temporary Fiction in the way that my highly Orwellian novel of Negative Utopia, called 1984, was Temporary Fiction.

My book was called The Devastation and Destruction of Destructoid. It laid bare the events that will inevitably bring the collapse of our beloved Destructzord.

The only way we can prevent The Fall Of Dtoid is by reading the book! Plus, terrible things involving metal dildos happen to Mr Andy Dixon.

If you enjoy sex, you will also enjoy this book. It is available in the sexiest format possible on Medium: https://medium.com/the-devastation-and-destruction-of-destructoid

If you haven't heard of Medium, you make me want to vomit on Long John, but he's in Brazil, so I'll just vomit on the floor. Now, Ctrl+click that link and keep reading:

I've been thinking a lot lately. About Beyonce.

That's her probably.

Beyonce writes music and is popular amongst the youths, yet I've noticed a gaping hole in her song repetoire. You know exactly what gaping hole I'm referring to:

Beyonce has not written any songs about coffee. In my view as a marketing expert, this is career suicide for a buxom young singer trying to make it in the music biz. So, Dearest Beyonce, here's the plan I propose:

Start writing more songs about coffee. About espresso. Cortados, machhiattottosots, cafe con leche, cappucinos, etc. Sex it up a little: "Oh baby, your coffee makes me want to sex everything all the time, oh baby let's get coffee and have sex with it." You know, that kinda stuff. The kids love it.

The combination is instant success. How do I know? Well, it's a little something called market verticality. Instead of just singing about sex or just singing about coffee, we're combining the two markets. People love sex, people love coffee. So, you mix the two and BAM, you're an instant millionaire!

Plus, look at it this way, we can market the shit under the Beyonce subreddit, the coffee subreddit, the sex subreddit, and the music subreddit. It's fucking genius. Then we make a sexy little NSFW music video where you have sex with coffee and we sell it to the porn market. They're having a tough time these days. Not many women are willing to take off their clothes. The market's drying up.

So, Beyonce, think about this. This is the right move at the right time. Everybody's talking about coffee and everybody's talking about sex. Let's make you a billionaire, baby.

(Also, read The Devastation And Destruction Of Destructoid before it's too late.)

Your leader,
Zombie Orwell

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About Zombie Orwellone of us since 3:07 PM on 03.30.2012

My fellow internet zombie brethren:

It is my specious pleasure to be addressing you in the fullness of time. My name is Zombie Orwell. You will be hearing a lot from me in the coming months as we ratchet up the intensity of our Zombie Rights Revolution.

I wish all of you safe human-hunting. Please message me ([email protected]) if you have questions or free tacos.

I love you!