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LONG BLOG

On Length, Girth, and Stamina: Not a Blog about Cocks

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So, they say The Order (random numbers in the 18hundreds) is 5.5 hours long. Since that is nearly as much as a defective Viagra pill would cause your junk to stand up, I see how it brings forth bad memories from gamers.

The game is too short.

But its short of what exactly? Length. Chris Carter argued that there could be value in a short game, just as there could be vlaue in a longer game. Value however is a loaded word that means very little. Is value in a game 60 bucks worth? Hell, that is a movie and two lap dances, or it could be paying for your college degree that you are never going to use. For a bloody prince, value is in the time he could have spent playing another game (or more lickely getting some lap dances).

Taking one part of a game, its length, and not looking at its other merits is just ignoring the myriad of factors we know of game design.

Think of games like you are purchasing a didlo for your sex-starved mate (or yourself). It is not only about length (no one likes a long limp penis). Perhapes no dildo can have the three pillars of length, girth, and stamina. But you the consumer should realize what is your prefrence, and shop accordingly.

Here is a guide to how.

Length:

As somone who had been reviewing SNES games for a while now, this is one aspect where I found historical records to show great disparity. The ancient gamers of the 1990 were not familiar with how long a game can get. RPGs and Nintendo games probably the only games that repeatedly clocked over 12 hours.

Howver, most didn't know their games were so short. They had no skills unbottening bras, and zippers were mad of rusty iron. By the time they managed to get down to buisness, they already relaxed and couldn't judge how long their now flacid penis is.

The games got longer with age, but better zipper material and the invention of the clasp Bra gave us better impressions of length.

Here is where things get a little hairy (or actually less hairy). The rise of the Ubisoft school of derivative design makes game longer. Ass creed can be finished in less than 10 hours easily, but all the optional derivateve stuff that is crammed into it makes it longer. According to medicine, those penis extensions they try and sell you when you are at your other tabs do not make it more pleasurable.

Sorry for anyone who bought it.

Girth:

In my humble opinion, here is where a game makes it or breaks it. A good game simply demands its money. It can be the sweet release in a midsummer night, or the marathon orgies of Gommorah, you know you want it.

For some, they might feel a lengthier game better suited for their empty wallets, but a game with real girth demands replays. In the arguments in the Chris Carter piece, Metal Gera Revengance is often cited as a short game with a lot of replaybility. Bayonetta 2 and the Winderful 101 are shortish games with calls for mastery.

You see, these monsters want to be fondled, want to be mastered. It is not enough to have a qick stroke and finish, you need to explore its nether regions, even have a tickle here or there.

From what we know, the Order might still be such a game. So don't jump the ship just because of some sneak peak. As George Costanza would always say, you must account for shrinkage.

Know where your game was

Stamina:

Here is what the rowdy boys care about, all the orgying with friends, and that multiplayer bullshit. When you have a worthy dildo, its all about how long you can use it without getting bored. For me, I personally like to sleep around and rarely stay on one brothel long enough. But there are games that have the girth and the stamina to keep even me intrested (Super Smash Forever).

Stamina is more like a supporting trait, but is now slowely being introduced as the sole component (Titanfall, Destiny) in games. Not as important as girth IMO, but to each their fetishs.

Uhmmmmmm

Conclusion:

I clearly present the strngest argument for Girth, but then, I don't have problems paying retail for most of what I want. Which is why this trio is solely dependent on your own satchel. Which is why I reitiate Mr. Carter's argument for customer choice.

Knowing all you do about a game, you should be able to decide on your purchase. No one is jumping to your bedroom at knoght and shoving that London Wereworl 1886 model on you. Which is why feelings of outrage against what is basically a product is somewhat wierd.

I hope you enjoyed this out-of-character blog, and please share your favorite, uhm, toys with us.

Here is last year's games with greatest Girth:

-Bayonetta 2: The lady that can shove us all, this is on game that I see myself replaying agains and again.

-DKC Tropical Freeze: I am yet to get everything this game challanges me to, but I will keep on tying.

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About Lord Spencerone of us since 5:57 PM on 01.12.2014

Hello all, I am Lord Spencer, your friendly neighborhood royalty. Yes, the ancient bloodlines are letting absolutely anyone in these days.

Being the lurker that I am, I have been following Destructoid for more than four years. Well, its 3 AM where I live now, and I just plunged in getting HUGE in the way.

Here is hoping for a fun time.

Oh yes, here is a little more info about me that is probably not as interesting as I think it is:

-I owned and played about 1000+ games.
-I owned and read about 2000+ books (I counted comic books I read as a kid so this is not as impressive as it sounds).
-I absolutely love Legos.

Out of all the games I played, I only regret playing a few. I am a big fan of gaming, and thus I really like most of what I play.

Thanks to the excellent work of community member Dango, now I have a cool infographic of my top 20 games. This list is not my final one, but what I thought off at the moment. If you notice, they are presented in chronological order:





Oh, and here is a link to my blogs:
My Blogs