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LONG BLOG

50 Shades of I'm Going to Fuck you... Hard

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[Update] Sadly, it would appear I'm shut in for today due to a sudden turn in weather. While it's reltively calm now, I have no means of getting to the theater beyond walking at the moment. I will try to get to a showing of the movie as soon as I can, but no V Card Day special.[/update]

Hello all you lovely people of the Dtoid community. Today I'm going to the theater and committing suicide. By which I mean I'm going to watch 50 Shades of Grey, so I may as well be committing suicide. Sometime today or tomorrow, I'll put up a cblog about the film, but today, I thought I'd give you a smidge of a history lesson on how this literary atrocity came to be.

As some of you may know, 50 Shades didn't start out as a novel at all. No, it was in fact a fanfic of Twilight, titled Master of the Universe, in which Edward Cullen was the titular Christian Grey, and Bella Swan was the protagonist Anastasia Steele. The "author" of 50 Shades, E. L. James wo I will refer to as The James from here on out, wrote this fanfic under the pen name "Snowqueen's Icedragon." No, I am not making that up.

The differences between Master of the Universe and 50 Shades are very minor. It's very evident that only a handful of entries were rewritten, and the rest was a thorough find and replace. Most character relations remain untouched, and the only real difference is that Bellastasia Stweene works at a hardware store instead of some stupid camping shop, and in the fanfic was in labor for 36 fucking hours as opposed to the 15 of the book. Good lord, child, get the fuck out of your mother's basement.

All of the differences are very minor and arbitrary, but what you're probably wondering is how the hell this piece of garbage became a book. Well, easy, a publisher offered The James a publishing deal under the table, some editors switched out afew words, and did some minor tweaks, and bam, 50 Shades of Grey is released as a self published success story, banking millions daily thanks to an aggressive ad campaign, and we normal folk are left to bear with the consequences.

These books are by no means good, they are the typical cringe-inducing shitfests fanfic is thought to be, written by a talentless amateurwith no understanding of BDSM. They misrepresent playtime, anatomy, the human limits, and loving relationships, and it's all quite awful. Don't be like me. Don't go see the movie out of morbid curiosity. Don't even read the books. It's just not worth. I'm only doing it because I want some funny lines to share with you guys. To end this little entry, Dorkly has the best possible representation of what 50 Shades is.

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About Chistone of us since 3:28 PM on 10.26.2011

I'm your sexy local eyepatch wearing messiah. I watch garbage movies for internet points, and sometimes appear in community podcasts where bad movies/shows are watched.

I sometimes remember I have a Twitter and post horribly stupid shit in it.