An anxious Dtoider gets out of his mom’s car and takes his first steps towards his promising academic career at DIC. (Destructoid’s Institute for Cumming). Along the way to his first class, he walks by what appears to be a pedophile dressed in a pink bath robe; the student promptly increases his pace as he starts to feel the heat emanating from the large man’s breathe as he passes by.. After a few minutes or so of constantly checking over his shoulder, the young adult reaches the large green double doors to his first class. He creaks open the door to see a wide variety of creatures, and quickly takes his seat in the front row.
Moments later, a young boy with a backwards orange hat walks into the room with a sullen expression on his face. Surprisingly though, he sets his belongings down at the Professor’s position in the front of the room, and quietly beings to scribble on the chalkboard..
HOW TO FINISH YOUR GAMES …….. STUPID
The historic lecture had begun
Alright, alright, enough with the cheesy introduction. Let’s get one thing straight; my advice is law, and stems from years and years of grueling research. Professor pk is here to answer all of your enthralling questions about the world of gaming, and today’s lecture will be no different.. However, since this is actually the first lesson into an (probably not) ongoing series, I’ve brought it upon myself to tackle a problem that I’ve had trouble with for years: finishing games.
It’s not even that I don’t start games and leave halfway through, I frequently plow through 85% of a game’s main features and flat out drop it.
Here’s a sample list below to help you understand my condition:
- Persona 3: Reached the last dungeon, didn’t bother completing it or even youtubing the ending.
- MGS Snake Eater: My game froze in the ending scenes of the game, and never bothered to go back and fully watch the rest.
- Final Fantasy IX: I’ve reached the ending of the 3rd disc…. TWICE.
- Dragon Age: Origins: Played 40 or so hours, did most of the side stuff, then never finished the main questline.
- Twilight Pricess: Reached the last dungeon then stopped playing.
- Dark Souls: Probably the worst, I've got ~80h into the game with multiple characters and contantly stop playing for whatever reason.
What the fuck is wrong with you Professor?
SIIILEEENCE!!.. Now that I’ve opened myself to you, let me tell you that I’ve since taken a step back and reevaluated my life, and have come up with a Four Three Step Plan to help ensure you fragile creatures that you do not flail along the same path I once walked.. Professor pk is here to guide you.
Step 1: Play halfway through Fallout 3 then stop (Boner et al., 2006)
*readjusts glasses* Now, I know this may seem a bit drastic, but the results always point to the same conclusion.. The pain you feel is enough to get you through just about anything. Going through a nasty divorce because your significant other was blowing some stranger in the apartment next door? Just failed an exam that has the potential to completely decimate your college career? No problem! Subject yourself to one last bit of torture before taking the high road; it’s what Jesus would have done. By commanding yourself to not complete the greatest game of all time, you are essentially building a mental endurance so strong that you could literally stare at your twitter feed for minutes before giving into the thought of suicide. Once this obstacle has been passed, only then are you ready to take on even the longest of jrpgs.
Step 2: Steal paint buckets from your local hardward store (Dick & Danks, 1998)
*sighs..* Again, the feeling of disbelieve hangs in the air. Have I not already told you that this is backed by years of research?!? In 1998, Dicks & Danks performed a landmark study in which they demonstrated a positive correlation between buckets of paint stolen and felonies charged per individual.Note: The subject who was told to steal 20 buckets of paint was promptly excuted by the store owner via shotgun wound to the torso before we were able to gather any meaningful data. He is considered an outlier for the purposes of this experiment. (Dick & Danks, 1998)
Now, the connection may not seem obvious to you, but that is because you are the student and I am the Master. With more warrants out for your arrest, you’ll be significantly more likely to stay indoors evading law enforcement, thus, limiting access between you and the outside world. This way, you’ll be forced to complete the games you already have and dig out those old shitty systems from your closet that you buried five years ago when your wife “had enough” of your "filthy" habit.
I'm sure this guy has a perfectly healthy relationship with women.I bet he's only hit two or three!
Step 3: Binge on desired game until sick (pk fire, 2015)
Take it from our gym rat friend above, and play that fucking game straight until it's over. Now I must admit, this is the most obvious step. However, true focus can only be achieved after you’ve completely broken yourself via steps 1 & 2. Once the previous tasks have been completed, only now are you ready to fully ignore bodily needs in order to beat that game that’s been holding you back for so long. Like a knight mounting his noble steed, you’ll flop yourself onto your cough with a bag of Cheetos in hand and truly conquer your sacred enemy. Good luck my young disciples.
Bell Rings and confetti shoots out from under each students’ seat into their assholes.
Thanks for reading! I’ll take topic suggestions for next time if you’d like to express them in the comments.