For thousands of years one question has plagued mankind. I can't answer that question, but there is a question I can and will answer: just who are the sexiest people in the Destructoid Community?! I have developed a foolproof system to determine the answer to this question using a combination of science, math, and a little bit of witchcraft. No staffers or part timers here, just good old community members. Let's get down to business!
5: Its About To Get Gay In Here
IATGGIH is like a one man video game version of the Onion. No one else brings you breaking news stories like the kid who was able to fake happiness after receiving Duck Dynasty for Christmas, or gives you the purchasing info that you really need such as the smaller New 3DS shipping to America with its buttons sold separately. If you dig that kind of info then you'll also want to jump on the DLC that the mysteriously gendered writer recently announced for his/her blogs; you're gonna want the full experience! Dtoid as a whole could stand to learn from this dedicated reporter of the gaming news that really matters.
The manly mustached Seymour comes along to grab the number 4 spot, and rightly so! Last year he gave us a lovely look at his experience at the Alamo City Comic-Con, where he met many interesting people both famous and otherwise. The friendly fella also posted other well written pieces on interesting topics, such as why it's okay for games to do things that “aren't okay,” and how he learned to take it easy in 2014. He's also constantly in the comments ready to give folks a sensible chuckle. As entries on this list go, Mr. SeymourDuncan17 is probably the most reasonable.
If you hung out in the news articles on Dtoid last year then you know this guy, or rather the feminine pokemon he represented every chance he got. The Era of Gardevoir on Destructoid was one of highs and lows, of love and loss. It came to an abrupt end when Jawsh shocked the world a few weeks ago by posting what amounted to heresy for many: his true love was not Gardevoir at all, but rather the inferior Persona waifu Chie Satonaka! They say that there's no accounting for taste, but in reality your choice in Persona waifu actually accounts for 36.2% of your ranking in my patent pending sexy calculation system. Lucky for Jawsh he has been remembered for so much more than this one revelation. Everyone makes mistakes, and the number 3 spot is proof that he can be forgiven of this particular one.
Dreamweaver is a strange guy. I say that with love though! In a community of gamers talking about games this fine fellow put up his middle finger to the man (What man specifically is unclear. Probably Andy Dixon though.) and followed his passions. His weird, fucked up, amazing passions. He gave us interspecies erotica of a pokemon nature during the Era of Gardevoir, he gave us hentai manga that far too many of us fapped to, and he's recently graced the C-Blogs with a 3 part epic about the adventurous and romantic exploits of the Ice Climbers, aka that Smash Bros character that people like in public but really no one bothers with because Ness/Lucas are obviously cooler. This man is a visionary, and is highly deserving of the number 2 spot.
He's beauty. He's grace. He probably has a face. He also has many interesting fetishes, one of which apparently being learning other people's fetishes. In fact you might call him the originator of the fetish blogs around here, so you've probably got him to thank for what is likely your most popular piece you've ever written.
I mean let's face it, you know what gets you by in the C-blogs? Hilarity. Silliness. Hentai. I mean for fucks sake I've been writing about video games every week for half a year now and what do you people like the most out of all that? Terribly written fan fiction that's what! You know how painful it is to make that stuff purposefully bad and full of not very funny jokes? PAINFUL. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE WHY WON'T YOU JUST LIKE ME HAEDLKFAJDLKHFAO;DIKFJA;SDKL
...Ahem. He also is the strongest advocate for the spread of Naoto love on this website, which is something we could all strive to live up to. He's even an overall nice dude! I mean, I guess he is. I don't actually know the guy. I almost played video games with him one time though. But the Fenriff system's numbers don't lie, and Gajknight runs off with the number 1 spot.
Did you not manage to reach one of the highly sought after spots on this list? Then maybe you should try to be a little sexier in 2015. I mean if you're gonna make a new year's resolution then it should be something meaningful like putting these five people to shame. Is your name Occams or Bbain? Then you get a gold star sticker because you've moved on to bigger things at Dtoid and were unfortunately disqualified for this list as such. Congratulations to the winners of this very important event! Now go say something in the comments that may or may not actually relate to this and perhaps I will respond to it. Go on!