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LONG BLOG

Top 5 Ways Destructoid Should Ring in the End of the World

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Earlier in the week, a video leaked of what CNN, the cable news enterprise, would broadcast as the world as we know it crumbled around us. People flocked to the web to see what Ted Turner and his pederast moustache would air during civilization’s final moments.

When the Cable News Network launched 34 years ago, its founder Ted Turner, made a solemn promise stating that “Barring satellite problems, we won't be signing off until the world ends.”

In anticipation of this, he had a final video prepared that would usher in the end of days. Turner went on to say, “We'll be on, and we will cover the end of the world, live, and that will be our last event. We'll play the National Anthem only one time, on the first of June and when the end of the world comes, we'll play 'Nearer My God To Thee' before we sign off.”

Many thought this was just the ramblings of a crazy rich person with way too much time and money on his hands. Well, those who thought that way were wrong. An end of days video was created, and put on standby titled TURNER DOOMSDAY VIDEO. The last living CNN employee would air the video, most likely right before being attacked and eaten by zombies.

Only one word can be used to describe this doomsday video. That word is LAME. Do you hear me Ted Turner? I SCREAM IT FROM THE MOUNTAIN TOPS!


LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME!

I don’t know about you, but when the end is nigh I would want to air the most metal and “meta” video possible. This is going to be broadcast out into space, eventually reaching the Mon Calimarians in some far off galaxy and I don’t want to leave the impression that we were a bunch of panty waists.

IT'S A TRAP! Oh, never mind, just a lame video.

The final broadcast is an important statement. It’s the same reason that your mother wants you to wear clean underwear when you go out. God forbid you get in some serious accident; the condition of your underwear will leave a lasting impression on the paramedics or even worse, the mortician. Your mom didn’t want someone cutting away the clothes from your lifeless body to find filthy underwear. If this CNN video is ever to broadcast, it would be an intergalactic shit skid mark on the underwear of humanity. NOT THE IMPRESSION I WANT TO LEAVE.

So, without further ado, I give you 5 SUPERIOR doomsday videos that I recommend Destructoid should post in the event of an apocalypse.

5. Black Sabbath – Black Sabbath

This is the song that I want blaring in the back ground when the world ends. It’s perfectly suited for the occasion, especially if we encounter a biblical end of days.

Just a bit of background of this song’s dark pedigree, here’s a quote from Black Sabbath’s bassist Geezer Butler on what inspired the lyrics:

“I'd been raised a Catholic so I totally believed in the Devil. There was a weekly magazine called Man, Myth and Magic that I started reading which was all about Satan and stuff. That and books by Aleister Crowley and Denis Wheatley, especially The Devil Rides Out...I'd moved into this flat I'd painted black with inverted crosses everywhere. Ozzy gave me this 16th Century book about magic that he'd stolen from somewhere. I put it in the airing cupboard because I wasn't sure about it. Later that night I woke up and saw this black shadow at the end of the bed. It was a horrible presence that frightened the life out of me! I ran to the airing cupboard to throw the book out, but the book had disappeared. After that I gave up all that stuff. It scared me shitless.”

4. Scanners Head Explosion

One of my favorite all time scenes. Just 11 seconds long and yet, it's the perfect analogy for the situation... Probably. Any far off civilization that receives this video would think that we had some actual telekinetic superpowers and would be scared shitless of us.

3. Ric Flair Going Nuts

A million years from now, when the Lizard People of Alpha Centuri receive this video of Ric Flair, they will know that mankind was badass. WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I wonder what they would think of him. Maybe they’ll assume he was our ruler? That would be sweet! WOOOOOOOOOOO!

2. Slayer – Reign in Blood

Just listening to this makes me want to run through a fucking brick wall. What better way for humankind to make an exit than having this shit blasting out at an eleven when the sky starts falling. No marching bands for me thank you very much. When I sign off for the last time, I want it to be to the sounds thundering drums, rumbling bass, and mind-blowing guitar riffs.

1. Rocky & Apollo Creed Training Montage

Nothing represents the human spirit better than a top notch training montage. Rocky III is by far the pinnacle of training montages, many films have tried to imitate it, but none have come close to duplicating it. Every eighties movie had a montage and some of them are done very well, like in Karate Kid, or even Rocky IV, and yet, they all fall short to Rocky III.

Also, Rocky and Apollo training together is not in any way homoerotic.

So there it is, my Top 5 ways I think Destructoid should usher in the end of the world. Think you can do better? Of course you can, so let’s hear it in the comments section.

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About SpielerDadone of us since 5:24 PM on 02.08.2013

I'm just a dad writing about games, technology, movies, and geeky stuff that tickles my fancy.

A little background:
- I'm the youngest of two children with one older sister.

- I'm first generation American as my parents were born in Italy.

- Married to a wonderful wife and have two amazing daughters who makes me laugh, smile, cry, and scream every day.

- Hobbies include exercise, reading, writing, sci-fi, film, and of course, video games.