Welcome to the first time, bi-sexual, annual, anal Philly awards. These awards are designed to showcase games this year that I gave a shit about or hated, or jerked off to/on. Disclaimer: I was definitely paid at some points to showcase these games. I get lots of money from doing this and live better than you. You are a sad, pathetic creature and should take off your clothes and allow me to penetrate you. Now on to the awards.
Best Fuck You To The Person Sitting Next To Me Award: Nidhogg
Nidhogg is a fast paced race to the end, featuring some of the best mind games, trickery and sword throwing I've ever expierenced. The game is an absolute blast online or local. I personally prefer local due to the look on my brothers face when I nail him with sword from across the screen or slip one in his gut after a quick feint. No other game has gotten me punched as much this year.
Runner-up: Samurai Gunn
Best Graphics That Made Me Want To Cum Award: Child of Light
Oh God. Did I just put cum and child on the same line? Fuck it, we're this deep already. Child of Light is jaw droppingly gorgeous. I played on Vita and much like Rayman Legends, the screen makes them graphic just pop with vibrancy. Also like Legends, she isn't just a pretty chassis. Child of Light tells a heart warming (if cliche) tale of a little girls journey to do something and to save some shit. I don't fucking know but dem graphics.
Runner-up: The Vanishing of Ethan Carter
Best Game From Early In The Year That You All Fucking Forgot About Award: EDF 2025
EDF!EDF!EDF!EDF!EDF!EDF!EDF! Pure mindless, rampaging, b-movie bliss. Earth Defense Force 2025 is a masterpiece of awesome. There's not much to really say about this game (other than fuck yeah!), either you are enlisted or you are ant food.
Runner-up: Steel Diver: Sub Wars
Best Reason To Ignore Your Crying Children Award: Persona Q
Etrian Odyssey and Persona came together and splooged an amazing game into our 3DS's this year. with Persona Q. Two things pretty far apart and yet feel like they were made for each other came together in an addictive cocktail of fan service, great art design and tough battles. Allowing users to choose between the teams from Persona's 3 & 4 was a smart move that added at least one more playthrough for most and will likely keep many glued to their systems until Persona 5 hits.
Runner-up: Endless Legend
Best Game That Had No Right Being So Good Award: Wolfenstein
Who expected this to be so damn good? I mean sure Wolfenstein is a storied name in gaming. We all nodded when we heard ex-Starbreeze and that was pretty much it until we got our hands on it. Excellent gun-feel, great art direction, decent story and a damn solid campaign later and my mind was blown. I truly was not expecting such a great experience to hit me from these folks, but there it was. I mean these folks actually made me care about fucking BJ. That weird floating head I've stared at since before I knew how to flog my dolphin. The one with the bloody nose? Yeah I care about that guy now. Fingers crossed for a sequel and looking forward to whatever these guys pump out next.
Runner-up: Hitman Go
Best Game That Was Only Useful As Cum Catcher Award: Sacred 3
What a steaming pile of shit this turned out to be. Sacred 3 is what I imagine happens when a room full of dipshits decide on how best to make a digital abortion of a decent franchise. Everything you liked from the first 2 is gone and shat upon. Don't even look at this game's case or it will give you AIDs.
Runner-up: Counter Strike Nexon Zombies
Best Laugh Out Loud Award: Jazzpunk
Quirky art style, excellent writing, silly gags, pigeons, funny npc's, poop, this game has it all and as far as I'm concerned, it doesn't get enough love. A truly funny adventure through the absurd, Jazzpunk takes off immediately and doesn't let up until it's over and you want more.
Runner-up: South Park: Stick of Truth
Best Reason To Own a Flannel and Fake Reading Glasses Award: Door Kickers
Yep, my favorite indie game of the year has no pixels in it folks. Door Kickers is what happens when Swat/Rainbow Six and Frozen Synapse have a mutant baby. This baby is however, fucking amazeballs. Editing loadouts, planning strategies and head shotting drug dealers will keep you up well into the night. The top-down interface keeps you aware of the entire level and great sound design and easy to understand controls top off the package. Best strategy game of the year. Would suck it's dick/10.
Runner-up: Sir, You Are Being Hunted
Best Game With Floppy Dicks Award: Outlast
Talk about a scary, unwashed dick. Those fucking creeps had some nasty, swinging salami's. Outlast had some great creepy moments and some decent jump scares, but those dicks haunt me. Awake and asleep. Hard and soft.
Runner-up: Far Cry 4
Best Reason To Stroke Your E-Peen Award: 1001 Spikes
Talk about a game that doesn't hesitate to make you feel like a failing bitch. Old Aban Hawkins has it in his mind to bend you over and ram you real good. Jokes on him as you have 1001 lives to clear this game and promptly spike your controller/handheld off the ground and do a victory dance. Through the use of observation, tight controls and memorization, this feat is easily acheivable for anyone who doesn't suck. Oh sorry, you haven't beat it yet? Yeeeaaaaah.
Runner-up: Binding of Isaac: Rebirth
Best Shit Nintendo Did This Year Award: Kirby Triple Deluxe
I love that little pink son of a bitch. I love how gobbles up enemies, like Dixon's mother gobbles up dicks. I love the new abilities. I love that I was able to play a real fucking Kirby game again. The extras in the box were great too, including the Smash-like Fighters mode. Only thing missing was angry eyebrows. Way to fail North America on that one guys. Sheesh.
Runner-up: Tomodachi Life
Best Shit Sony Did This Year Award: Support Indies
I can't single one Sony developed game out this year due to the incredible support they have given to indies. They threw on the flannel and shined the light on: OlliOlli, Don't Starve, Binding of Isaac, Unfinished Swan, Dustforce and many others that are great games and deserve to be shown to a wider audience. While Xbox has also given indies love, Sony actually puts them in their customers face and pays the devs on time. Zinger!
Runner-up: Releasing Suikoden I & II
Best Shit My PC Did This Year Award: HD Footjobs
I upgraded my rig with parts from my departed step-father (thanks!) and now can run almost anything out there at at least medium specs. Its fucking nice let me tell you. But more than that, I got a 2TB HDD as well and man the size of porns I can download now..... WOOOOOOO! I also ordered a google cardboard vr kit to try with some 3D porn I downloaded and man am I excited.
Runner-up: Save me money through lot's of sales and bundles.
Best Reason To Stop Reading This Shit Award: It's Over.
Seriously, get the fuck out. I mean thanks for reading, please post nude pics below, but don't let the door hit ya, where the good lord split ya.