Boys and girls who were bad this year won’t be getting a lump of coal in their stockings Christmas morning. Instead, St. Nick is punishing those kids with something far worse: a copy of Escape Dead Island.
Santa Claus, the immortal & obese gift giver parents keep telling their children is real in the vain hope that it will convince them not to be little shits all the time, told the press today his elves have procured more than twenty-three million copies of Escape Dead Island to give to all those, in his words, “little bastards” on December 25th. From Deep Silver, Escape Dead Island puts players in control of a complete tool who goes to an island full of zombies because daddy didn’t hug him enough growing up. The game, not available on PS4, XBox One, Wii U and Mac; was created in an attempt to translate CIA Post 9/11 torture techniques to the virtual world.
“Coal used to be the go-to gift for bad kids, but these days kids aren’t phased by anything,” said Mr. Kringle. “They can’t be bothered to look up from their iPhones long enough to truly understand the impact of that lump of coal. That’s why I have to step up my game and really punish these kids with something that is just as awful as they’ve been all year. Originally I thought it would be a great idea to put loaded bear traps in unsuspecting present boxes, but I believe being forced to play through Escape Dead Island will be a far more painful experience.”
If kids want to make it back onto the good list, they’ll have to play through the entire game once. Any bad child who refuses to play the game or, like many reviewers, gives up on it will be dragged off into the black forest by Krampus to be whipped by the ruten, choked with his chains, stomped on by cloven feet and ultimately drowned in a washtub before being taken to hell where they will spend eternity in a pool of fire alongside the developers of the game.