6 months have passed since Andy Dixon, the bathrobe wearing bastard, was run off by the robotic police officer Sephzilla, who came to the rescue of Gajknight, Dreamweaver, and their Uncle Chris. The city of Destructville has returned to it's old bustling self. People filled the streets, going back and forth every day; none of them suspecting that in the shadows of their fine city a war was taking place. A war that they would soon be unable to ignore.
Though to be fair, Seph had had like 6 months to catch Andy, who was for all intents and purposes just some dude in a bathrobe. I mean, he's obviously not the best robot cop around. Maybe if he spent a little more time apprehending criminals and a little less time bitching about spectacle fighters on the internet the city would be safe by now. But-thats-none-of-my-business.jpg
Leaving work for the day, a young psychologist named Jonathan Holmes was fumbling with his keys in one hand, holding a stack of papers in the other, trying desperately to lock up his office and head home. Finally turning the correct key in the lock, the stack of papers slipped from his arms and flew off with the wind down the busy street. His palms slapped onto his head, “Oh man, what a sucky day it's been.” Jon was the kind of guy to get walked over pretty easily. Soft spoken and with opinions that no one really agreed with. You know what I mean; “Pokemon X/Y wasn't that great”, “Let's all get along”, that kinda stuff. SJW's, amirite?
He gathered up what papers he could and crossed the street, heading to his car, when suddenly an explosion went off in the building high above him. Just before he could get his car door open, SMASH! Who should come crashing onto his car but a large robotic man. People on the street shouted and scattered. “My car! Oh my god, sir are you okay?”
“Please step away citizen, it's dangerous here. I'd suggest returning home as soon as possible.” The robot pulled himself from the wreckage and looked up to where he had fallen from. “You'll not escape today Andy! I've finally tracked you down, and I'll tear this city apart to get to you if I need to!” Without another word he leapt up and grabbed onto the side of the building and began scaling it! A dark haired stranger ran up to Jonathan, “Woah dude, was that Sephzilla? THE Sephzilla? Oh shit, he fuckin' totaled your car, that's rad! I'm Steven by the way. Steven Hansen.” Jonathan sighed, “Jon Holmes.” The two looked up the side of the building to find the cyborg cop just reaching the hole he'd flown out of.
There was silence for a few seconds until once again someone came flying from the building, but this time it was two figures instead of one! Landing on his feet this time the robot officer now had his hand around the throat of one Andy Dixon, who, despite the bloody nose and lack of non-bathrobe attire, was smiling rather than showing fear. “I don't need to run from you today Seph. I have a surprise for you. It's time you got a taste of your own medicine.” “Look out officer, someone's behind you!” came the shout from Jonathan. A metallic tap fell upon Seph's shoulder, and when he turned his head to see the source a robotic fist smashed into his face.
Andy Dixon went flying to one side while Seph's body fell to another. Andy stood up and brushed off his bathrobe. “I believe you know each other.” He smiled, showing his bloodied teeth. “Long time no see Seph.” If Seph's eyes could be seen through the weird visor thing that covered the top half of his face, his eyes would no doubt be wide. “Hyper!”
“Hyper? I hardly know her!” came a call from the sidelines. Very clever Steven. No, really.
Standing above Sephzilla was another robotic man, this one more mega than Seph. His white and blue metal armor covered all but his face, which seemed to show that he had been a young man at one point. Upon his helmet was a large red crystal. Code name Hyper Lemon Buster Cannon, a.k.a. HLBC, or Hyper. Former partner of Sephzilla. They were once a force of good in the city of Destructville, but obviously something had changed. “I watched you get crushed 10 years ago!”
“You sure did, but Mr. Dixon here fixed me up. Improved me even. I ditched the old armor for something a bit more slick. Now it's Hyper Lemon Buster Cannon X, and you're about to be X-terminated.” His fist flew towards Seph, who rolled out of the way just in time. Hyper's fist smashed into the ground with such force that his arm was dug into the ground up to his elbow.
“What the hell is going on here?” asked Steven. Jonathan's face took a serious turn. “...A Robot War.” “Umm, a who-de-what?”
Seph pulled out his gun, but as soon as he pointed it towards his robotic rival Hyper was already in arms reach and snatched it out of his hand, flinging it into the distance. The officer wouldn't be disarmed so easily though, his whole body was a weapon, and the two robots began a fist fight like none the world had seen before. Metal clanged against metal and Andy Dixon laughed maniacally from a safe distance away, loving the chaos he had fueled right in the center of the city. It was some real life Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots bullshit.
“What are they fighting about?” Steven asked Jon. “I don't know...but I feel like, whoever wins...we lose.” Steven looked to Jon, absolutely dumbfounded. “Really? The AvP tagline? That's what you're going with?”
Tiring of the games, Hyper shoved Seph back and in one fluid motion his right hand dematerialized and his whole right arm became a large cannon! It started to charge with a satisfying hum and you didn't need to see Seph's face to know that he realized how totally boned he now was. Suddenly a voice shouted from a nearby alley. “HOLD IT!” Hyper froze, seeming to recognize the voice. A smile broke across Seph's face for the first time. “Looks like you're not the only one coming back from the dead today.”
Out from the shadows strode forth a slick, dark haired man in a fantastic blue suit and red tie. “Bullshit!” Andy began. “No fucking way. Hamza Aziz?! YOU'RE DEAD!” The stranger adjusted his glasses and smirked. “I'm afraid not, Andy. I mean, that's what I wanted you to think. I let you win that battle 15 years ago, but you'll not win the war!”
Seeing his opportunity to strike, Seph rushed for Hyper with unbelievable speed and smashed his metallic fist into the red jewel on Hyper's helmet, shattering it. Beneath where the jewel once sat now shown a broken circuit, one that must have been integral to Hyper's functions because his entire robotic body was now seizing up, unable to fight back. Why was such an important piece of Hyper's physiology placed where it could be easily punched by another robot? Well you see-Oh look, Steven has something important to say!
“Wait, isn't that Hamza Aziz? Didn't he die in that explosion 15 years ago?” “Yeah I thought so too.” answered Jonathan. Good talk guys.
“Dammit!” shouted Andy, his plans quickly falling apart. “It is just IMPOSSIBLE to find good help these days.” He pulled out a small remote and pressed the button on it and off in the distance from between the buildings a strange object flew onto the scene. It was like a large flying bowl, with a propeller on the bottom and a clown face on the front. It came flying down towards Andy who hopped in, but Hamza wouldn't let it end that easily. He sprinted for the flying machine as it started to take off again and was able to grab onto the edge, pulling himself in.
All control of the machine was lost as a battle broke out within the cramped flying space between the suited savior and the robed rascal. Punches were taken and knees rammed into abdomens as the flying machine crashed back and forth between the buildings like a pinball. Finally Andy got ahold of the controls and flipped it upside down, causing Hamza to fall out down onto the street as Andy cackled and taunted “Should have worn your seat belt Hammy!”
Hamza rubbed his head, bruised but okay (fuckin plot armor, eh?), as Seph helped him up. “There's nowhere to run Andy!” Hamza was right, and Andy knew it. This was the final showdown. “Grrrr, when you're right you're right old pal. I guess I'll have to call in the cavalry. You may have bested me, but you'll not best my true master!” Andy reached into the machine and pulled a strange cyndrical machine with a handle on each end. He twisted each end in opposite directions and began pulling it apart slowly, and as he pulled the very earth seemed to quake below them. The sky darkened and Andy's cackle howled through the air over the sound of the tectonic plates moving in the ground. Hamza's face became terror stricken. “Dear God, what has he done?!”
Suddenly all of time seemed to stop around the heroes. The quaking earth, Andy and his flying machine, all were frozen. Hamza and Seph looked around confused. Their eyes fell upon sweet innocent Jonathan Holmes, straining his mind to keep them all safe. Hamza smirked, “He's a psychologist! He's using his mental powers! I never thought I'd see one in the flesh.”
Poor Steven, completely lost now, was at his wit's end. “Wha...but...THAT'S NOT HOW PSYCHOLOGISTS WORK! Are we stealing a fucking joke straight from Anchorman 2 now?!” “Quiet, you'll break his concentration!” demanded Hamza. “But...ugh fuck this. I'm going home.” Steven's hands fell to his sides and he turned to leave. “The rest of you should flee too!” shouted Jonathan. “I don't know how long I can keep him held back!”
“There's nowhere to run friend. Only one thing can save us now. The chosen ones...and look, they've just arrived.” Hamza smiled and took a step forward and pointed beyond Jonathan to where a new car had pulled up, and out of the car came the twins: Gaj and Dream. Their Uncle Chris followed suit, stepping out of the car. “I brought them Hamza, just as you asked.”
Hamza stepped towards them. “I'm afraid there's not much time young ones. Only the two of you can save us from the fate that now approaches.” “But we don't know how to fight!” replied Dream honestly. “With some help from your father that should change.” answered Chris, leaving the boys confused. “But we don't even remember our dad!” replied Gaj. How convenient.
Hamza adjusted his glasses. “Gaj. Dream. I am your father.” Motha fuckin plot twiiiiiiiist!
TO BE CONTINUED
IN THE CHILLING FINALE OF THE DESTRUCTOID SAGA: