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Other Consoles Worried They Might Receive an Exclusive Sonic Game

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With the recent release and subsequent lambasting of Sonic Boom for the Nintendo Wii U and Nintendo 3DS, other consoles announced today they're terrified at the thought that they might receive an exclusive Sonic game next.

Sonic the Hedgehog, best known for convincing kids back in the 90s that attitude, speed and chili dogs were a suitable replacement for proper level design, has fallen on hard times recently as modern developers have failed at capturing that console-wars-are-a-thing-so-I-must-defend-any-game-that-comes-out-on-the-Genesis-as-better-than-Nintendo magic. Recent titles like Sonic Boom: Rise of Lyric, Sonic Lost World and the Mario & Sonic at the Sochi 2014 Olympic Winter Games have failed to drum up interest in the Blue Blur, with that last title struggling particularly due to bugs that made it so some characters couldn't get through their bathroom doors while others didn't have access to drinkable water. These recent failings have some consoles worried that Sega might use them to try and reboot Sonic.

"I've been on a roll lately," said the Xbox One. "The Master Chief Collection, Sunset Overdrive, Shadow of Mordor, Killer Instinct Season 2... these have all been winning titles for me in the past few months and I'd hate to see all that hard work go to waste by getting the next Sonic game."

"My customers expect only the best from me," said the PS4 when questioned about the idea of getting the next Sonic game. "Quite honestly I'd rather release no games at all than some shit from Sonic, which explains my 2014 Christmas release schedule."

It's not only the big name consoles that are profoundly scared they might receive a Sonic game. The Ouya released a statement today that said any attempts to make a Sonic game for the system would be treated as an act of war. Other systems, like Steam and Oculus Rift, have gone on radio silence, refusing to take any calls from Sega. Even the PlayStation Vita, a system in need of a big name game, has refused, saying "I've already hit the iceberg; I don't need an asteroid crashing into me right now." Currently, the only device that seems even remotely willing to allow Sonic on it is the Amazon Fire Phone; however sources within Sega say the company hasn't reached the point of desperation where that would even be considered a possibility.

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About CJ Andriessenone of us since 6:56 PM on 10.14.2014

Just what the internet needs: yet another white guy writing about video games.