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ISIS Militant Wins First Place In Call of Duty Tournament

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Scottish Gun 1, your time is up. The world’s new top gun in Call of Duty is Islamic State militant Abdullah Darvish.

Darvish, who currently heads an execution squad in northern Iraq, beat 45 other players in a round-robin style tournament Sunday. The event, held at One World Trade Center, was the first public tournament to feature Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare.

“Advanced Warfare is the most sophisticated first person shooter in the world,” says tournament organizer Phil Zucker. “We thought a great way to show that would be to bring together all the best players in the world for this one tournament right before the game launched to the general public. Obviously we didn’t think this whole thing through.”

Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare is expected to be the best selling game this holiday season. The 2014 franchise entry introduces futuristic technology to create the most advanced fighters ever. Darvish says for him the highlight of the new game is the exoskeleton, a technology he hopes to one day steal from Iraqi forces as they take off their uniforms and flee the battlefield. The Syrian-born militant dominated the tournament, easily winning every round by more than 10 points and managing to get a kill-streak that lasted nearly seven minutes. Spectators say Darvish laughed maniacally every time he used a drone in the game to blow up his competitors.

“My father always told me if you stand with Allah, no American infidel will be able to touch you,” Darvish said in a post victory interview. “Who knew that extended to video games?”

Darvish says he first started playing Call of Duty after watching a Youtube video of, in his words, “That hilarious scene in Modern Warfare where a nuclear bomb explodes and kills all the Americans.” The 23-year-old future war criminal added this is the first time he had ever played the game with other human beings. Up until this past weekend, his only Call of Duty experience had come from repeatedly beating No Russian.

With his victory, Darvish goes home with a $50,000 grand prize and a cache of guns provided by the tournament’s sponsor Barrett Firearms Manufacturing, a prize organizers say they’ll reconsider before giving away next year.

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About CJ Andriessenone of us since 6:56 PM on 10.14.2014

Just what the internet needs: yet another white guy writing about video games.