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Creatures of the Monstrous Variety


Let's talk monsters.

I love monsters. I wouldn't really like to meet them, much in the same way I wouldn't like to meet a lion (that's a lie, I would love that), but they're fun all the same. The thought of monsters makes us uneasy. Stories of them frighten us as children, and we take out our frustration at that as adults by frightening our children in turn.


It makes us hesitate before taking the trash out at night even though it smells and is leaking because YOU THREW A HALF EMPTY LITER OF SODA IN THERE WITH THE CAP HALF OFF YOU IDIOT. WHY CAN'T YOU FINISH ANYTHING YOU BUY?! THAT SANDWICH HAS BEEN ROTTING IN THERE FOR FOUR. WEEKS. You're human garbage. 

 I'm sorry for yelling at you. Have some candy.

This wasn't much of a talk at all, was it? No... That was me talking at you, wishing I could meet a lion who would become my friend and let me ride him, and then getting pissed because you can't finish off your Dr. Pepper fast enough and let all your half-eaten food smell up the fridge. Anyway, I got stuff to do, so let's get down to it. Monsters we need to see more of in our favorite entertainment medium: video games.



 In the distant reaches of the world, far from the safety of Rome and its legions, there lived a horrible race of headless Anthropophagi (man-eaters) called the Blemmyae. At least, that's what the Romans believed. Sounds spooky. Anything that eats people is scary, that's a primal fear. No one wants to get gobbled up. Headless stuff is scary, look at the horseman. It's just wrong, impolite really, to go gallivanting around with no head. It's like a form of cranial-based hooliganism, and we all know how terrifying hooligans are.

Now take a gander at this-

The face of terror.

Is that not absolutely terrifying and disturbing on a basic level? It's just WRONG. If you saw it, you wouldn't know how to react, would you? Laugh uncomfortably? Scream? Piss your tunic (because you're a Roman)?

That thing is going to eat you. It is going to grab you, bring your head into its bizarre chest mouth just below its sternum nose, and bite your fucking head off. Blood will dribble down its non-existent chin into its happy trail/goatee combo (one of the most terrifying aspects of the beast). Why hasn't anyone made a horror movie about this thing? Hell, they made a movie out of Ao Oni, why not make a movie starring a Blemmyae?

As an aside, this actually looks cool.



They're not scary anymore. It really sucks. All we have nowadays is sexy costumes and anime girls. I mean, don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with being cute or sexy. I just feel that it's a shame that something so feared has become so dissociated from its roots. They were once so feared that they were hunted down, they would eat children and consort with the devil! And now...

Damn, that's kawaii, uguu~

There is hope, however! I'm so glad that I watched the preview for The Witcher 3, because that had some of the freakiest, creepiest witch design I've ever seen. I think there may be a lack of creativity when it comes to witches. You have the traditional hat, and a broomstick, and a black cat, and all that boring stuff. These Polish dudes who are making this game have really have a good head for design, and I applaud them for breathing some life and uniqueness into witches by having such original designs. 

I edited the image a little. You're welcome.

(Where's my money, CD Projekt Red? You said if I plugged your game you'd pay me!)


Never make a deal with Poles, kids.


The Bonnacon

The Bonnacon is a bull that poops. Now, pooping, that goes without saying. Everybody poops, as we were taught as children. The Bonnacon is different, though. You see, the Bonnacon poops so hard it can cover up to two whole acres with its stuff. Normally this would be absolutely terrifying, especially if you had just done the laundry. This beast is cruel, however, and its poop burns everything it touches.

Two whole acres covered in flesh-burning shit. 

As stupid as it seems, that's pretty horrible. In fact, that's one of the worst things I can imagine happening. The smell, the acidic searing of your flesh. You couldn't get away from it all either. Everything around you has turned into literal shit, and you will die covered in it.

What an asshole.


The Tarasque

 The Tarasque was a weird sort of dragon that terrorized the French region of Provence. It had a spiked shell, hair, and... You know... Now that I look at it... It isn't so different from...




I'm not sure what to think anymore.


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About Orlionone of us since 2:29 AM on 05.10.2014

Please call me Orlion. I live by the beach. I like animals, good food, talking with people about random stuff for long periods of time, videogames, and writing. Thanks for stopping by!