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Developer Admits He Can't Stop Sexualizing Women in Video Games

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Game developer Randy Suede admitted today he can't stop objectifying women in the games he creates.

Suede is the lead developer at Ubisoft Scranton, which just released its highly anticipated title Donkey Punch-Out. Donkey Punch-Out was supposed to be the first game Suede oversaw that didn't include the objectification of women, however his uncontrollable urge to see bikini clad ladies in compromising positions led to a game that features nothing but busty bimbos.

"It was a real struggle trying to make this game without creating a big-breasted, barely clothed female character to sexualize, but in the end I failed. I can't help myself," Suede said, a tear rolling down his cheek. "I start with the purest intentions with my games, and somehow it spirals out of control to the point that I'm creating a mini-game where the player uses the hilt of the Sword of Aragoth to pleasure a woman; and if you cause her to have multiple orgasms you get a C-C-C-C-C-Cumbo!"

Suede says this problem manifested itself with his very first game. "I was hired to create an educational game for kids, but what started as Dolly's Division Challenge ended up as Tina's Tit-tastic Adventure Through Labialand. It was only in development for five weeks! How the hell did that happen?"

The issue for Suede isn't confined to video games. He admits his problem is now starting to affect his home life.

"My family hates me. My wife pointed out to me yesterday that when I sign my checks, I don't sign my name. Instead I draw a pair of massive breasts on the signature line. My daughters don't want to be seen with me because I took them school clothes shopping last summer at Fredericks of Hollywood instead of the Gap like they wanted. I'm not even allowed on the campus of my youngest daughter's school because last month at Parent-Teacher Conferences, I motorboated her third grade teacher instead of shaking her hand."

Suede says he plans to chronicle his struggle with objectifying women in a new indie game called Sexual Aggression Quest.

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About CJ Andriessenone of us since 6:56 PM on 10.14.2014

Just what the internet needs: yet another white guy writing about video games.