Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sure you've all gotten the memo by now. There are forces out there conspiring and colluding to make us all want to feel bad for enjoying delicious Oreo cookies. Several weeks ago, people started speaking against those who identify as Oreo-lovers and set out to make them feel bad for being Oreo-lovers.
As an Oreo-lover I was deeply affected by this. I cried as I dipped my Oreos in sweet, delicious vanilla almond milk and continued to eat them. Words on a screen were trying to make me feel bad and I couldn't help but weep in response. It still upsets me. How dare anyone criticize my love of Oreos! That eight people had similar opinions of Oreos on the internet within a similar period of time is proof to me an anti-Oero movement is at play and it must be stopped and silenced so ethical cookie enjoyment can prevail.
Anyway, this is why I have proposed Operation Corgi Jelly Doughnut. They're at it again, and this time they're after pastries. This anti-Oreo movement is not singing in universal praise of jelly-filled doughnuts, which means they are also anti-jelly doughnut. One doughnut reviewer thought jelly dougnuts were weird, gross and not as delicious as other doughnuts. As someone that has eaten jelly-filled doughnuts all my life and looks forward to the next jelly doughnut, I am deeply distressed by this.
So that is why I am asking you to get in contact with Krispy Kreme, Hostess and Dunkin Donuts to tell them to not give any doughnuts to those that don't like jelly doughnuts.
Don't look at me weird, this is about ethical snacking. We are a group of diverse snackers, each with our own tastes and opinions and I will fight for your right to have those opinions so long as you agree with me. This is important and if you disagree with anything I think of or feel you are an anti-Oero/anti-jelly doughnut shill colluding with the enemy and will be chased out of our secret snack base.
I only want ethical snack cosumption without experiencing shame.
Also, Bob, would you come forward?
Bob did a fantastic job the other day. You see, there was a peanut butter critic that was going to speak out about Reese's Pieces to a group of impressionable college students. Bob sent in a letter threatening the college to cancel the lecture or he would dump chocolate syrup and marshmellows on the audience and her as well. The talk was cancelled!
Good job, Bob, we're going to give you a Hawaiian-style pizza with jalapenos, chicken and barbeque sauce for stopping her from talking for a day. Enjoy, my friend, for you made the world safer for people that enjoy Reese's Pieces.
As for the rest of you, I want you to email and call Krispy Kreme, Dunkin Donuts and Hostess without delay. ACT POLITE and NORMAL when you do this. Tell them to not sell doughnuts to the anti-jelly doughnut faction.
Together we will silence anti-jelly doughnut dissent. Also aggressively use the hashtag #OperationCorgiJellyDonut on Twitter to make sure your voices are heard and that criticism of snackers and the snacks we like is ended so that ethics prevail. If you find anyone that disagrees with you, swarm them, throw chocolate syrup and marshmellows all over them and then tell them this is about ethics. Find them and do it every day until they give in and praise jelly doughnuts because this is about us being respected as snackers and we will not rest until everyone eats and thinks alike.
If they dare to complain about the syrup and marshmellows you dumped on them, tell them they did it to themselves. Some people will believe you. In fact, tell the victim they should expect it for speaking thier minds about jelly doughnuts. If they continue complaining, the totally biscuts thing to do would be advocating thier silence on the matter. Biscuts have had syrup dumped on them, too, after all - just not 24/7 like the anti-Reese's chick.
I heard she hates Oreos and jelly doughnuts, too. She deserves it.
And as for choosing Corgis as our mascot for these operations, it is because corgis are adorable and the opinions of dogs are easily swayed. Give a corgi a doughnut and you have an avatar of justice for life, one that will fight and die for your Oreos and Reese's Pieces though you probably shouldn't let dogs have those. We will continue to use corgis in our future operations not only because a secret supporter put us up to it but because it helps us appear as sympathic to outsiders.
In the days and weeks to come, I will relay to you details regarding Operations Corgi Chunky Soup, Corgi Chicken Waffles and Corgi Banana Ice Cream Sundae. For now, ladies and gentlemen, you have your orders.
Commence Operation Corgi Jelly Doughnut!