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LONG BLOG

God Flees Heaven Over Death Threats On Anita Sarkeesian's Continued Existence

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The FBI is investigating a string of threats sent to our Lord Almighty over his continued insistence that Anita Sarkeesian be able to go on living. Sarkeesian, known for her strong feminist views on how women are treated in video games, was scheduled to wake up, have breakfast, go for a run, play a little Animal Crossing New Leaf and maybe go on a date with the new guy in 5C. The threat, from an anonymous source, demanded God strike Anita down or else suffer the consequences.

"I'm okay with you keeping Assad alive," a portion of the note said "and I can see the value not slaughtering ISIS, Kim Jong Un, Robert Mugabe and David Hasselhoff; but your unrelenting resolve to not put an end to the life of a woman who has an opinion that is different than mine has left me with no other option. She's ruining video games with her talking and thinking and opinionating and vaginaing."

"I have at my disposal the Oceano Sword and Gaiala Armor from Dragon Quest VII. I know from playing you can in fact kill God using these weapons and if you don't put a bolt a lightning through her skull in the next 24 hours, I will turn my sword on you."

God said his evacuation from Heaven was only a precaution and he doesn't believe the anonymous source will go through with his plan, saying "I know who this asshole is. I'd love to give him herpes or something, but that would require him to have sex first." When asked if God plans to smite Sarkeesian, he responded "Why bother when it's so much easier just to ignore her?"

[UPDATE] - Anita Sarkeesian did indeed have breakfast this morning. It was French toast.

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About CJ Andriessenone of us since 6:56 PM on 10.14.2014

Just what the internet needs: yet another white guy writing about video games.