Zuckerhund blog header photo
Zuckerhund's c-blog
Posts 0Blogs 16Following 0Followers 2



World of WarCraft releases New Charity Pet


IRVINE, CA � Blizzard Entertainment has made a new minipet available for sale in the MMO World of WarCraft today, sources report. The company has a history of creating virtual companions for the purpose of raising funding for charities such as the Make a Wish Foundation or providing assistance in relief efforts during tragedies like Hurricane Sandy. Chief Creative Officer Rob Pardo says this new pet is not an exception. �Our playerbase has always clamored to our pet store to show their support for current events while using WoW as an incentive, so I'm proud to introduce the Cash Cow, a lovable pet that can be yours for $14.99 in the Blizzard Store.�

While previous purchases in the store only offered partial proceeds to the charities of the company's choosing, Rob Pardo allayed any fears of that happening this time. �One hundred percent of the Cash Cow's proceeds will go straight to Blizzard Entertainment so we can continue to release anemic, half-assed updates every four to six months.�

More details have emerged as to the reason for this decision. Tom Chilton, Lead Game Director, stated, �We never thought World of WarCraft would be this successful. However, to all good things must come an end. Our subscription numbers are down and to maintain our lavish profits we need to milk the remaining players for all the money we can possibly get our hands on.�

Over the past several months, Blizzard has introduced more virtual goods in the WoW store, such as an ever increasing cavalcade of premium mounts, account-bound cosmetic helmets that don't fit with any existing gear and various boosters that increase experience gain or chances at rare loot that will become outdated in the next patch. �Clearly this wasn't enough.� Tom Chilton continues, �We really think the Cash Cow will fix all of that. It's a really great item. I'm hoping everyone buys it!�

The Cash Cow appears as a bloated bovine creature that bleats weakly and has a particle effect of dollar signs shooting out of its massive, caved in anus. Sources confirm that it will assist in creating the revenue needed to keep the MMO's archaic, coal fed servers running. Despite a recent upgrade to better infrastructure, it was recently revealed that the new machines enabling WoW to function were imported from an abandoned warehouse in Chechnya.

An anonymous employee added, �Tricking people into thinking this isn't a sinking ship is really difficult. Instead of shutting down inactive servers, we've lumped them into a convoluted system where you share space with other low population realms which creates the illusion that everything is okay. It gets to be very expensive.� As a sign of continuing the trend, Rob Pardo added that this was just the beginning. �We're planning on further pets that continue to provide people with a lazy, cheap version of selflessness in the near future.�

Rumors have revealed that the next promotion may end up giving half of the proceeds to allow aid in the form of free WoW time to the war-ravaged population of Syria. Increased violence is expected as a direct result, due to the many Rift players currently fighting in the rebel forces embedded there.
Login to vote this up!


ShadeOfLight   1



Please login (or) make a quick account (free)
to view and post comments.

 Login with Twitter

 Login with Dtoid

Three day old threads are only visible to verified humans - this helps our small community management team stay on top of spam

Sorry for the extra step!


About Zuckerhundone of us since 9:30 AM on 12.09.2013

I'm a floundering writer who would love nothing more than to actually be paid one day for something I create. I know, it sounds incredibly brutal and honest, but I'm getting old and tired. I love video games and sleeping.

Sometimes I stare into the abyss of youtube videos and weep internally as a smile creeps its way into my face, a hollow mimicry of what happiness is.

Also, manatees.