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Review: Christmas


So it's about 11:30 where I am, which means Christmas is almost over, and I feel like I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't pen a proper review for the much-loved holiday. So here it goes:


The holiday relies mostly on gift-giving as the primary gameplay mechanic, and I feel that this was in incredibly poor choice by the developers. People have to go out and buy each other gifts and figure out what they want? Seems so impractical. Why can't people just buy themselves something and cut out the middle man?

Controls are extremely clunky, especially when maneuvering through heavy traffic to buy presents. The difficulty spikes here immensely and could really use a patch.

Another point I should mention is that the game is almost unwinnable. I must have ruined Christmas about 17 times in the past few days, and that's not even counting the time I stuck my dick in the holiday ham (In my defense it was a really sexy ham)! There's just too much risk and not enough reward for the effort.


The visuals for Christmas consist mainly of cheesy decorations, multi-colored lights, and images of enslaved little people and strange bearded men breaking into houses and/or leering at small children. Not only is this extremely problematic, it's also incredibly disturbing for a holiday that advertises itself as "cheery." It would have been more accurately labeled a "survival horror" holiday.


The soundtrack is certainly the weakest part of Christmas. The same repetitive songs are played over and over, even though none of them are any good. I must have heard "Rocking around the Christmas Tree" about a hundred times, and the only good part of that song is the part where it sounds like she says "we're gonna have some fucking pie."

Seriously, would it hurt to have songs that aren't trying to be so "happy?" Maybe they can get the guy who wrote the battle theme from Devil May Cry 3 to make a song or something.


Essentially the story is this: A man named Santa lives in the North Pole and uses his slaves to make toys for children, and now everyone has to... buy presents?

There's also some connection to Christianity that's not entirely accurate and some pagan elements and some mythology from alpine countries and coca cola and shit. It's all very confusing and I feel like I've entered into the series to late to really understand the plot, much like someone playing Metal Gear Solid 4 before the other games.

Now I am become Santa, destroyer of worlds...


In short, Christmas is certainly not worth your time or money. Not only does it seem underdeveloped and rushed, but some terrible decision-making and an over-complicated story just make the entire thing feel unnecessary.

I would definitely recommend celebrating another holiday next year, like Krampus. No one expects you to go out of your way with Krampus, they're just happy they're not being tortured and eaten alive by a cloven-hoofed demon. 

They seem... oddly relaxed...

Thanks for reading, everyone!
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About Benny Discoone of us since 9:53 AM on 03.24.2013

My name is Benny. I work full time in a freak show eating live chickens, and I work part time as Brendan Fraser's scrotum cleanser.

I play video games sometimes, but most of the time I'm too poor and don't have enough free time. I still like talking about them though.