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Final Fantasy VII HD Remake Announced

Final Fantasy VII HD Remake Announced in Alternate Universe

JAPAN, EARTH 2 � EnixSoft CEO Matsuke Yosuda announced at a press conference yesterday that development was nearing completion on a Final Fantasy VII HD remake of 1997's hit JRPG after years of speculation and vocal support from fans. �I am here to declare that the rumors were indeed true, and that the greatest RPG of all time is finally getting the treatment it deserves. We know this has been a long time coming, but we were always concerned with providing the utmost immersive and satisfying experience. I think you'll all agree that it was worth the wait.� A beaming Yosuda said to a room full of erupting cheers and applause.

Yosuda continued, saying �The HD remake will be available for both the PC and PS4 platforms in the first quarter of 2015. We're also very pleased to mention that the game features additional content that expands on the original game, fully orchestrated versions of the PS1 soundtrack and top notch Hollywood voice acting from premiere actors such as Samuel L. Jackson and Lindsay Lohan.�

Lohan, who reached critical acclaim alongside co-star George Clooney when she masterfully played a stranded astronaut blown off a space station in the blockbuster Gravity, will play the part of Aeris, arguably the game's central heroine and focal point. Samuel L. Jackson will voice the role of Barret, bombastic leader of AVALANCHE. �Not only have we totally revamped the combat system and exceeded even our greatest expectations, we've ensured that the game will be fully optimized and capable of running at a full 1080p at 60 frames per second.� Fan reaction was nearly instantaneous, with one long time gamer, Micheal Vanderguard stating, �I've waited so long for this to happen, I can't believe that day is finally here! What a perfect time for a remake, this is literally a dream come true.�

Another avid player of the original game, Suzy Leften remarked, �I'm so excited that a whole new generation of gamers will experience what I did when I first played it back in '97. This couldn't have come at a better time.� �Gregory DeFanning, a prominent member of Enslavist Magazine, chimed in: �EnixSoft could have just preyed on the fanbase by re-releasing the original version with no improvements whatsoever, but I knew that they wouldn't let us down like that.�

Asked why EnixSoft would remake their flagship RPG when the company is still making plenty of money and has several developers with new intellectual properties to flex, Yosuda responded, �I think after so much outcry and desire to see this game remade, it would be cold-hearted and callous of us to ignore all this passion from our loyal customers. I mean, imagine if instead of remaking this game we just shocked people with a PS3 tech demo and after raising people's hopes ended up just dashing them on the rocks by a steady stream of silence.�

Yosuda continued, �Some of our staff members suggested just continuing with the Final Fantasy series and enticing people to buy inferior products by shoving nostalgic pre-order incentives like FFVII costumes for completely unrelated characters. Can you believe how much of a cock tease that would be?�

After the conference ended, Jim Darling from Constructoid put it best:

�I can't imagine a universe where Final Fantasy VII wasn't remade. EnixSoft really hit it out of the park.�
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About Zuckerhundone of us since 9:30 AM on 12.09.2013

I'm a floundering writer who would love nothing more than to actually be paid one day for something I create. I know, it sounds incredibly brutal and honest, but I'm getting old and tired. I love video games and sleeping.

Sometimes I stare into the abyss of youtube videos and weep internally as a smile creeps its way into my face, a hollow mimicry of what happiness is.

Also, manatees.