I'll be honest with you dear reader. I'm sick and tired of writing about VGX. I've thrown witticisms at this sexy stripper of an article like so many dollar bills and I'm just about broke. It would be a disservice to everyone if I continued sniping at the many faults of the tectonically challenged awards show. With regards to the Joel McHale and Dorito Savior aspect, I've extensively explained what went wrong and how everyone�s patience and soul was beached on the shores of a once cheerful outlook. Thus, I feel this last blog post shall be the finisher to this epic saga. I thought about continuing the play by play, but this body of work is already 4,000 words long, sure to be 5,000* by the conclusion.
This merits greater effort than the script Joel McHale wiped his well-paid ass with, as the original transcript for VGX was just a series of bloody scribblings and claw marks along with a few malformed pentagrams drawn in. By now, you must have grokked that this is how the event continues. "Imagine a man who had no shoes. Then he met a man who had no legs. Then he met a man who had no arms. Then he met a man who could only speak in riddles. Then they all ganged up on the man with no shoes and stole his wallet, for he was on his way to the market to buy some." Words to live by, friends. Words to live by.
It can be surmised that VGX 2013 was a demonic summoning ritual that only managed to bring forth a spectral middle finger and a half-hearted laugh from a lesser imp. However, some details still need to be addressed. What follows are tidbits of information to better remember that cold 7th of December. Godspeed, pilgrim.
Geoff Keighley and the Sorcerer's Earpiece
During the live broadcast, you'll notice that our host with the most unhealthy sponsorship deals was fiddling around with his earpiece. In the first hour, it's a safe bet that his handlers were telling him to get the conversations back on track, to ignore Joel's adlibbed abstract ruminations, and mitigate the ever encroaching darkness that was settling in on everyone's consciousness. His earpiece readjustments were the most noticeable during the Titanfall interview.
At that point, his producers were gone. The only sounds coming from the other side were the shrieks of banshees and church bells ringing ever louder in his mind, the whispers telling him that the Mountain Dew Mystic had foreseen this day would come, and that no amount of Dew would do. He had to become the toothless hillbilly of ancient times and hide in the Ozarks, until the Dorito Bandito would round up his followers with his legendary flavor lasso, and take them down to crunch town.
Geoff tried his best not to listen, which is why he kept fidgeting. Rumors are when the event was over and he reached in to finally rid himself of that frightful earpiece, it was gone. Was it ever there to begin with? What of the crew? Had they been there? Was it all a dream? All he could tie to that event was a name. Joel M. Who was Joel M.? The phone rang. It was a man named Teddy. He claimed he was an undercover police officer. Would he be able to help?
The Night of the Living Feckless
During the interviews, live demos, and hastily edited videos, Geoff kept mentioning that there would be an awesome concert based off of the music of GTA V. Sounds great, except whoever scraped the bottom of the barrel searching for musical talent must have injured himself, because his replacement found something underneath that barrel and considered it a job well done. The "Loiter Squad" is a gaggle of monsters from the blue lagoon that trick people into thinking they do work that merits laughter. What came out of their mouths I cannot fully articulate. Watching them disables all higher aspects of thought, motor functions, and bladder control.
I determined that whenever they were on-screen, the livestream had somehow been invaded by a broadcast from another universe, in another time. A place where Earth had suffered from a full-scale nuclear war, and the only survivors were awkwardness and disdain. The atmosphere was covered in a thick layer of sarcasm as flakes of comedic winter set in. Not a single titter flourished in this desolate place. Not a single crop of laughter could be raised. All was silent.
One of the Loiter Squad members did jumping jacks while a few of them tried to find words that sounded human. He also screamed "Potato, Potato!" They all chimed in on what they loved doing in GTA V. One liked shooting up cars. Another said he liked killing old people. It was an avant-garde re-imagining of the Dadaist movement of the early 20th century with a splash of nihilistic irreverence.
The concert itself was a continuation of despondency in motion, or lack thereof. Literally no one in the crowd was excited for any of the acts. A few phones went up in the air. The scant hands that were raised were there to ask a question, or for permission to go to the bathroom. If VGX had cardboard cutouts outside, no one would have been able to tell the difference. The reception was so lukewarm that it could curdle fresh milk while breaking the sound barrier. Speaking of breaking the sound barrier, that's what Chain Gang of 1974 did when they sleepwalked through their song. Fun fact: the lead member is fluent in pigeon.
Their hit, which was used in one of the GTA V trailers, was well done in the studio. I loved it. When I heard the live version, I felt betrayed. At one point, even the audio doesn't want to be there, it just cuts out and the lead singer screams silence for a few seconds. If the final band was just a bunch of Japanese tourists that had gotten lost and were looking for a hotel and becoming increasingly horrified how passive the crowd was, I would have been more entertained.
Oh, and here's this little gem. What follows is the A++ effort a man with nearly 18 million YouTube subscribers did for VGX. This is why a computer will destroy mankind and remove the mouths of the last survivors. This is the sole reason why we have a dark future ahead of us.
Below is a compilation video which highlights the life stream of anguish. Good luck out there, reader. See you next time.
Three day old threads are only visible to verified humans - this helps our small community management team stay on top of spam
Sorry for the extra step!
About Zuckerhundone of us since 9:30 AM on 12.09.2013
I'm a floundering writer who would love nothing more than to actually be paid one day for something I create. I know, it sounds incredibly brutal and honest, but I'm getting old and tired. I love video games and sleeping.
Sometimes I stare into the abyss of youtube videos and weep internally as a smile creeps its way into my face, a hollow mimicry of what happiness is.