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Benny Disco's Holiday Survival Guide

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Ah, the Holidays! That magical time of year when Krampus rounds up all the bad boys and girls and takes them to his lair to roast them alive! What a wonderful time!

Sadly, the holidays can be a dangerous and tiring time as well, so to help you keep the magic alive, I've made this little handy-dandy survival guide. 

Hopefully by the end of this, the Holiday Spirit will be deep inside all of you!


Thanksgiving



The famous American Turkey Day, celebrated by gorging yourself with home-cooked meals at your granny's house! A great tradition indeed.

But Thanksgiving can also be full of peril, especially if you're in a relationship. Whose Granny will you visit. Both? You can't eat that much food! Also, your sister in law decided to have her own Thanksgiving dinner, and she's very cross with you for not coming over!

Oh boy, you're in a real pickle now!

What to do instead:



Stay home and play Galactic Wrestling for he PS2! It's one of the few Kinnukuman games to come to the United States, and it's simply brilliant

What about Thanksgiving dinner? Hmmm... Just order a pizza or something. Yeah, do that.


Black Friday



Black Friday is a celebration of pure American consumerism. Stores lower prices for random shit and people go and trample other humans to death for them. Nothing will make and American punch a baby faster than a $10 discount on a dvd for the first season of Whitney.

It's the most dangerous of all the holidays, and basically the all-around worst of them. It's the "Whitney" of holidays, so it's a given that you should just skip it entirely.

What to do instead:



Play Dynasty Warriors 7: Xtreme Legends!

What's that? A relatively new game is only $30 on black Friday? Well guess what: DW7XL has always been $30! And it's probably better than your shitty game to boot!


Christmas



At last, you've reached the much anticipated holiday that is Christmas! Christmas spirit is in the air, and children awaken from their extremely light slumbers to creep downstairs and hopefully see a pile of undeserved presents under the tree and not the more deserved "groggy father in his underwear trying to stack up presents neatly under the tree."

When I have kids, they're going to wake up to find me under the Christmas tree with binders full of spreadsheets, and I'll say "Welcome to reality, kids!"

Anyway, if you're like me you're too poor to take part in the gift-giving and people are going to hate you for it, so it's best to just hide out all day and do something alone.

What to do instead:



Play Hatoful Boyfriend Holiday Star!

It's the Christmas-themed sequel to my Game of the Generation "Hatoful Boyfriend." I'm gonna play it this year, and you should too!


New Years



Americans don't usually need a reason to get sloppy drunk, but they make them up anyway. New Years Eve is one of those reasons.

So I get to look like an idiot in front of everyone and wake up the next day having to go to work feeling like shit? No thank you.

What to do instead:



Play Deadly Premonition Ultimate Edition!

It's Deadly Premonition on PSN with all the DLC for only $5 more! Is the extra $5 worth it? You bet it is! You get to dress York up in goofy suits, make Emily wear a leather ca outfit, and drive a car called the Chibi Chibi Bang Bang!

So much value!


BONUS HOLIDAY: Hanukkah



Hanukkah is a Jewish holiday that actually lasts 8 days. It's about lighting candles or spinning tops or something. I don't really know. They make something called "potato pancakes" too, which sound really delicious, so that's the only thing I really remember about it.

What to do instead:



Well, it'll probably be pretty hard to avoid Hanukkah entirely, since it's 8 days. You'd probably need a really big game and a lot of potato pancakes to last you. 

For this reason I chose The Elder Scrolls: Daggerfall, since it's the biggest game ever made. Seriously, check this out. And this

Legit!


Final Note:

Unless Krampus gives you the sweet release of death this holiday season, just do the smart thing and become a video game-playing hermit until next year.

Thanks for reading and Happy Holidays!
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About Benny Discoone of us since 9:53 AM on 03.24.2013

My name is Benny. I work full time in a freak show eating live chickens, and I work part time as Brendan Fraser's scrotum cleanser.

I play video games sometimes, but most of the time I'm too poor and don't have enough free time. I still like talking about them though.