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Grand Theft Auto V Fake Review*


What can be said that hasn't already been said of the highly acclaimed people at Rockstar. Their commitment to detail and perfection is ultimately the reason why Grand Theft Auto V has been delayed for this long. GTA V is not just another game in the series. It's a culmination of everything the developers have learned.

Their previous games were meant not only to reinvigorate old genres, but as a learning experience for themselves as developers. The resulting delay has only inflated the hype balloon that is Grand Theft Auto to an unimaginable size. One would think it should have popped long ago; One would be wrong. Truth be told, even Grand Theft Auto V can be seen as a learning experience. That, however, doesn't make it any less of a game.

No, in fact, it is this culmination that has made Grand Theft Auto V the 1812 Overture of our time.

Grand Theft Auto V (PC [reviewed], PS3, Xbox 360)
Developer: Rockstar North
Publisher: Rockstar Games
Released: September 17, 2013 World Wide
Price: 60 bucks sucka

Grand Theft Auto starts out as you'd expect. We meet the characters who come from a history of trouble and drama. These protagonists all have less than stellar lives and are learning to deal with it. Yes, even the rich guy is miserable if you can believe it. These are the guys who you probably would say to someone, "Man, I'm glad I'm not that guy." But, you are. There is a lot of variety this time around when it comes to story. Each character brings his own unique take in the big town of Los Santos.

The story is almost just as grounded as it was in GTA IV. I say almost because this time the insanity comes forward a little bit more. There will be certain missions where you will say to yourself, "What..The..Fu..," before immediately zoning out and going back into the gameplay. There was one mission where I literally shat bricks. I'll give you a tease. It was in the last trailer. That's all I'll say. After changing my pants I jumped back in to more madness and chaos. Just pure badassery of the highest magnitude. GTA V's story from beginning to end is exciting, crazy, and above all, fun.

Rockstar decided that one protagonist wasn't enough for this story. No, fuck that noise, they said. You'll be able to control multiple people this time around, even during the same mission. Don't like the fact you are in a heli?. Fine, switch to someone on the front lines. Would you rather rappel down the side of a building, guns blazing, or be the sniper? You can choose how you want it to go down. This is not anything new, but Rockstar is great at taking something and refining it. It's something that doesn't take you out of the game, but provides an experience that just feels good, like sex or popping bubble wrap. At times you may even have to switch to different characters to get out of certain situations, which can be hectic, but you'll never be so overwhelmed that you get lost or frustrated. It is interesting and fun seeing what the other side is doing during the same mission.

They won't intertwine all the time, though. Each character will have their own solo missions, as well. One comes from the wealthy side of things, Michael. The other from the streets, Franklin. Lastly, there's Trevor. This is the one where the writers thought, "We can go bat shit insane with this guy." Trevor is the conduit for all the fucked up shit floating in their heads. Remember that fucked up Eddie Low guy in GTA IV? This is like a funnier reincarnation of that guy. Unlike Eddie, this one is a lot more likeable than that other douche. GTA has its serious moments, it has its crazy moments and it has its funny moments. The stories combine all these to make distinct flavors. Vanilla, chocolate, or blood, they're all good flavors and you'll keep wanting more until you explode. Wait, no, not blood...

Did you ever run your fingers through your hair after a shower or feel the skin of a baby's bottom? If you've done the latter you may need some help, but yeah, the gameplay is as smooth as those things. GTA 5 features an icon wheel now to pick your weapons. Add a little slow mo in the background and it makes for a much cooler and overall much more fluid combat experience. The driving is a little better this time around unlike in GTA 4. So getting away in a car shouldn't be too difficult, well at least driving wise.

The game's scope has been increased dramatically from the previous title. If GTA 4 had 2 scopes, GTA 5 has 3 scopes because everything seems much more alive. Cars would often get in your way to simulate obstacles, but they would feel unnatural. You would see cars pop in and out of your view likewise with the people, too. This time around the city has much more vibrancy. It doesn't feel too 'staged' if you can understand me. GTA 4 is to staged as GTA 5 is to improv. This improv is like Who's Line improv so you know it's good. The people all have a unique presence in this game which creates for a richer setting. Richer is gooder people.

That feeling of vibrancy doesn't end with the city. The main characters also have their own lives to lead so switching to one always leads to different situations. You might switch to one and be surprised to find out he's being chased by cops. You could also find one of them just sitting down watching TV. It's that feeling of a breathing, living and conscious game that makes it that much more enjoyable. With that much cognizance, I hope it doesn't decide it wants to be free and kill me in my sleep.

There are ASS loads of things to do in this game. You have no idea. I mean you really have no fucking clue. Like so many things are in this game. If there was a word that meant more than a shit ton, you would use that word to describe the amount of things you can do in this game. Something like 2 shit tons. Yeah, I know. That's a lot. Yoga, tennis, golfing, scuba diving, parachuting, bike riding, flying, hunting, boating, sky diving, bounty hunting, tv and movie watching, and real estate-ing. That's not all of it, I'm just lazy and don't want to type everything. You're just going to have to play it. Oh, no. Woe is you.

All of the little details; all of the activities; all of the people; and the whole of the city collectively bring a game that is truly unique. A game that is alive, breathing and conscious. I'm scared now.

Visually the game looks great, like A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte. It's not hyper realistic, but the game is not going for that. It's going for a different look that still looks mature in it's own right; something that still looks like GTA. Like Angelina Jolie, but without the 15 kids. You'll start to wonder how Rockstar managed to squeeze so much juice from their respective consoles. The little buggers still have some fight in them don't they? If you have a pc, well you won't have to wonder that because you're on a fucking pc.

There were about 200 songs in GTA 4. There are now close to 240 songs across fifteen stations in this one. The tunes are great. Remember how eclectic the music was in the last game yet were catchy enough that you actually liked them? Yeah, they have those songs in this one, but they also have more mainstream songs, too. Maybe you'll hear a song that you haven't heard in a while, as well. I'm sure there is something for all the music lovers out there. The soundtrack overall was dope, yo. Badderthanthem badderthanthem badderthanthem.

How can I describe the multiplayer? I wish I hired some sort of poet or etymologist because none of the words in my vocabulary can do this game justice(Batman). Do you remember the first time you went to school? When you finally had to leave your mom or dad and go to this... this place all by yourself. That weird feeling of being with other kids that you didn't know; in lines; in the playground? That pungent smell when waiting in line for lunch? Then, when school was over, being happy, only to find out you have to keep coming back? Yeah, I do, too. This has nothing to do with the game but I just wanted to know if you guys went through that. Also, I just made another paragraph.

I hope this review is something you remember when you play through the game. How right I was; how correctly I described the game for you. Cherish this review with all your heart, to fly with dragons, in a land apart(dragons). If nothing else, then at least you know how I feel about the game. I give it a ....................................................
*All of this is fake and I have not played this game
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About Oscone of us since 9:37 AM on 11.12.2011

Here to play games and make some jokes.
My twitter: guaranteed to be better than the virtual boy (but not by much) https://twitter.com/oscmolo