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Talking To Humans About Videogames (Occam's Electric Toothbrush Edition)

Dearest Dzord,

How many times in your life have you been subjected to people referencing Katie Couric, Tara Reid, The Zodiac Killer, Hot Pockets, MTV, and My Funny Valentine all in the same interview?

Answer: Nevers. Until now.

I bring you, most gracious and adoring public, a new edition of Talking To Filthy Humans About Video Games With Which They Are Currently Engaged In Carnality. This time we used enhanced interrogation against The Occam Who Is Electric.

Read it. Unless you enjoy being an uninformed moron idiot who shall perish in the munching arms of zombies.

1: Please state your name for the record.
Occams Electric Toothbrush

2: Why are you a human?
Because I laugh, I love, I dream of a better world for me and you. I have thumbs and use them to grip complex tools and build complex machines which allow me to bring nature to its knees. I can fly faster than any bird and move faster than any animal walking on this planet right now. Human? My friends, I am a God.

Takes a large bite out of a barbeque beef Hot Pocket

3: Who is the worst protagonist of any videogame ever?
Probably Tidus or Vaan from Final Fantasy X and XII respectively. They aren�t terrible in any moral sense, but they remind me of the youthful wonder of a tween girl stepping into a Claire�s Boutique for the first time but trapped in the body of a post double-mastectomy Katie Couric.

4: Why did you cancel Fez 2?
I was thinking about Tara Reid�s existence the other day and I felt really sorry for her. She must have self-esteem issues.

5: Have you played Deus Ex: Human Revolution or Deus Ex: The Fall? If so, surrender your thoughts.
I played Revolution and adored it! The combat was fun. I incapacitated a few of the enemies but really now, if I have crazy robot sword arms and cyber muscles, it�s pretty much a certainty I�m going to pull cyber spines out of cyber bodies and club cyber prostitutes to cyber death with them. Also, you had this ability to see through a wall and if an enemy was there, you could punch through the wall and crush their face. This was a dream come true for me. Now I did have some issue with the boss fights as they were shit and the ending was a limp dick mashed against your cheek in complete darkness while a music box plays �My Funny Valentine�. But overall, I loved the cyberpunk feel and the China setting really felt like I was playing in the Blade Runner universe. Well worth every one�s time.

6: Who would win in a chess battle: The protagonist of Hotline Miami or the protagonist of Far Cry 2?
Protagonist of Hotline: Miami because I am he.

7: Please explain why there should be a Shenmue/Final Fantasy 8 crossover.
It would be a lovely mixture of real world kung fu politics meets gun sword anger magic. I think they would balance each other out. Plus if we can wring out some of the manic menace from Squall, that would help me a lot in making him more palatable.

8: Sonic or Knuckles?
Knuckles because it makes me giggle and I was a late bloomer.

9: Why is Jason Brody (Far Cry 3) such a simpering douche?
First off, his name is two first names. If he had three first names he would be a serial killer. As it stands, he�s just a human thumb ring with a penchant for killing pirates and hanging out with the cast of an MTV reality show. He also goes from being terrified to hurt anyone to replacing his pukka shell necklace with a necklace of brown ears so he was probably a giant racist. I get the feeling he�s one of those guys that preys on slightly chubby blonde girls with chunky highlights and low self-esteem and only fucks doggy style. Oh, and I can�t prove it but I�m pretty sure he is the Zodiac Killer.

10: I wanna know: Have you ever seen the rain?
I did. It felt like angel kisses on my skin. Side note: that cover of Fortunate Son in Bioshock: Infinite is awesome.

11: What was that noise?
A music box playing �My Funny Valentine�.

Follow The Occam's twat. Tell him I am angry he escaped and will soon consume his awful flesh. Tweet his twat many things about me. And about Katie Couric.

Your leader,
Zombie Orwell
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About Zombie Orwellone of us since 3:07 PM on 03.30.2012

My fellow internet zombie brethren:

It is my specious pleasure to be addressing you in the fullness of time. My name is Zombie Orwell. You will be hearing a lot from me in the coming months as we ratchet up the intensity of our Zombie Rights Revolution.

I wish all of you safe human-hunting. Please message me ([email protected]) if you have questions or free tacos.

I love you!